Before becoming a mum, you know, a parent, I used to think myself a bit “cool”. Not exactly a hipster, but perhaps a little bit happenin’, you know – down with the kids (excuse me while I prise my tongue out of my cheek).
Anyway, fast forward 2 years down the line and that now ridiculous notion of being ‘cool’ in any way, shape, or form let alone a cool parent has very much erased itself from any aspect of my being. I mean, how does anyone who is a parent, even have the time to be cool in-between wiping s*** off their child’s bum and food off the floor? Hmmm is that the sounds of uncool parents wonderland calling?
In case you are in any doubt whether you may in fact, still bit holding on to a shred of coolness, here are 10 signs that you are in fact, probably not:
- You have started listening to BBC Radio 2 and think you are somewhat cool for doing so – is this cool? Probably not.
- You think the theme tune to Rasta Mouse is actually pretty cool and can be found singing along and busting out some wannabe Dance Hall moves to it. About as cool as a lizard on a hot rock.
- You think ASOS and Boohoo are as cool as it gets when it comes to clothes shopping, purely because it saves the time of having to actually go into a shop. A fashion icon you are not.
- You have no idea what festivals are cool to go to anymore. You have no idea what music is cool to listen to anymore. And the idea of camping without a Travel John to pee into in the middle of the night turns your blood cold.
- You think those Johnny Depp glasses which turn to shades are cool and have a pair of your own. Only cool on A-listers, not you.
- You keep on remarking on how inappropriately young girls are dressed and how they must be freezing in that crop top. Move over cray cray grandma and grandpa!
- You realise that if you’re a woman: you are never going to get wolf whistled at by a builder ever again and if you’re a man: the only person who is probably going to eye you up is a gay guy on the make. OK so maybe this never made you cool in the first place, but at least it meant you had some sort of game!
- You no longer spend any flying solo public transport journeys catching up on all your fave Sound Cloud playlists but instead can be found thanking god for feeling bored or drowning in a pile of dribble as you fall asleep. Whatevs.
- You do not book any gig, film, night out or similar if it starts at 8.30pm or later and leave well before things start hotting up so you can sneak off back to bed. You have officially forgotten how to chillax; and you officially have no FOMO (fear of missing out – if you didn’t know that, you can double your uncool score).
- Your once cool dancing now falls safely into the mummy/daddy dancing category. Whatever happened to those moves? Down the shitter, that’s what.
So how did you score? Seriously uncool, or just a bit lame ass? Of course, I do all of the 10 above so we know what that makes me….