The Inside The Head of a Toddler series (see here and here) has kinda been taking the blogosphere by storm (hurrah!). The lovely Al of The Dad Network has now set something alight by questioning what a baby version would look like. I’m not sure what you’ve started Al…but here it is!
Listen up mamma, I know you think I’m just a stoooopid baby with da nada going on in my head, but let me tell you ….I KNOW things! And when I get a wee bit older, boy am I gonna show you…and then you’ll be sorry. Yup I’m gonna really let rip when I can walk and talk just you wait and see!
But for now, I’m cooped up in this stupid baby body and all I can do is leave you this puny little note to tell you why I’m pissed off this week, one reason for every day. So let’s get this show on the road:
- I am so utterly pissed off because you keep on getting all up in my face with this, that, and the other…I am so sick of seeing that shaky shaky thing all the time. The reason I keep batting it away with my hands is because I want it out of my face! Not because I want some more – geddit? And while we’re on the subject, what’s with all those stupid noises you keep making like you think I’m some monkey out to perform in a circus? Enough already!
- I am so utterly pissed off because when it comes to making with the milk, mamma, you are soooo slow you are practically geriatric! Don’t you understand that when I need my milk, I expect to snap my fingers (otherwise known as a scream in baby language) and it be there in, like, an instant? Duh!
- I am so utterly pissed off because just when everything’s rosy, BOOM! I get this explosive pain in my gums that just makes me want to turn inside out! You think you’ve got teeth problems with your fillings and schmillings? Well I got a whole fucking mountain range coming up in my mouth. Beat that.
- I am so utterly pissed off that I got to sit here, bundled up, like a schmuck, in this pram like a glorified invalid. One minute it’s hot and I’m burning up man! The next it’s artic and I’m wondering where the polar bears are. Can you please sort this temperature malarkey out yeah?
- I am so utterly pissed off that you think it’s some big fucking drama when I’m awake at night. Look mamma, I have problems sleeping and it’s not like I can just slope off and make myself a chamomile tea or pop a pill (don’t pretend I haven’t see you) or something. Just suck it up ok?
- I am so utterly pissed off because sometimes it seriously hurts to poop. I mean, I feel like a flipping volcano inside. It’s like all this stuff is building up, swirling around just ready to go – and then BOO YAH! And let me tell you mamma, when it does, it feels soooo good, the last thing I need to see is a look of disgust all over your butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-your-mouth face. I mean, it’s not exactly like you shit strawberries, is it?
- And lastly, I am so utterly pissed off because quite frankly, life is just one big disappointment these days. Back in the day, I was so happy chilling inside that lovely warm bubble of a womb, living the dream, cosy n’all and then you had to turf me out, and just expect me to adapt like it was nothing. It was a lot to deal with and you know, I kinda feel a bit scarred from it all. So just cut me some slack will you, and find me a counsellor.
OK, so now that’s settled, no more balking at the baby rage ok?