Listen up mum! And dad for what matter…you total fools! Why can’t you understand my annoying toddler behaviour? I am getting sick and tired of all this dumb ass stuff you keep imposing on me and my toddler lifestyle. Seriously, there’s some majorly freaky stuff getting into my space and that’s just NOT cool.
So listen, and listen carefully unless you want to stay in the living hell that is mummy and daddy boot camp for, like, ever. These are things I absolutely detest and it is now YOUR responsibility to make sure you eradicate them, one by one, from my life unless you want a big hot toddler volcano mess exploding right in front of your eyes every time one of these hateful things cross my path…Don’t mean to be a hater or nuttin’…but, well actually, I do.
Seriously, could there be anything more annoying? Some kid who I’ve met, like, maybe once comes in to MY house and gets into all MY toys and I’m supposed to sit there and just be happy about it? How would you like it if some person who you only met once came in and started trying on all your clothes? Enough said.
- The beach
What is it with you and beaches? Don’t you get that I just DON’T LIKE them? All that crazy wind whipping around my face, that scary infinite mass of howling water that I could drown in just like that…are you insane?
- The supermarket
How can you bring me into a place that has so many things I want to touch and pick up and then not let me touch and pick them up?? Could there be anything crueler? No – that’s right, it’s too cruel for words!
- The car wash
Possibly the scariest of all monsters – how do I know that all that soapy water isn’t going to come through the window and get in my eyes like in the bath? And then there’s all that crazy whirling hairy shit that looks like it’s about to come and sweep me away. TOO SCARY MAN.
- The car seat
I don’t care if we’re going somewhere exciting. You might as well put me in a straightjacket for an hour and be done with it.
- Wind up toys
Creepy creepy creepy! I don’t care if it’s some cutesy little caterpillar or ladybird or whatever this freaky excuse for a toy disguises itself – that noise is like spiders crawling over my soul.
Er big black moving things? Everywhere? Are you nuts? How can you let these things into our house and be ok with it? I don’t care if everyone has one. I’m done with them.
Robots are some special kind of spooky shit. I mean, what would happen if the world was ruled by robots, they would all try to come into my room and get into my bed at night. I’m crapping my nappies just thinking about that!
Hats. Really? Come on you know I have hated these ever since the day I popped out. Stuffing up your hairdo for one, and then making your head unbelievably hot. That shit is just unnatural!
10. The blender
Seriously, have you seen the way that blade rotates like it could just cut your head off? And that noise? It’s like it’s trying to grind my very bones.
- Hand dryers
As if going into a public toilet is not enough with all these weird types of people here there and everywhere, just when I’m starting to feel like I’m getting a bit relaxed WHOOOOOOOOOOSH! Off goes that damn handryer like it’s trying to sweep me away to the moon. This ain’t no rocket ship. Oh no.
Whose cruel invention was this anyway? It’s like the curse of toddlerdom – all these cute looking bricks everywhere which I just can not get away from and I’m supposed to fit them together like I’ve got some magic dexterity whilst the truth is I might as well have sausages for fingers. You cruel bastards.