Mornings are often the most farcical, intense time in our house (and probably yours too!) as everyone tries (and mainly fails) to get their blurry-eyed shit together…I’m often stifling the urge to laugh out loud at the sheer ludicrosy of some of the demands and reactions of the morning from a certain little person…leaving me often wondering, as I’m sure many of you do, just what on earth is going on in my little girl’s head during that time?!
Let’s take a hop, skip and a jump then and dive right inside the head of a toddler in those crucial morning hours….
6am: I’ve been awake for all of 1 minute. I’M AWAKE. The birds are awake. Where are those lazy MOFOs. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Wahhhhhhhhhh! MUMMMMMMMMY!
6.03am: I’m still sitting here in the dark like a numpty thanks for those stooopid blackout blinds the olds put up on my window. Do they think they can fooooool me? Noooooo way. Bloody bored out of my mind here. I mean how long do they possibly think I can lie in here by myself for? Wahhhhhhhhhh! Wahhhhhhhh! MUMMMMMMMY!
6.05am: (Mummy opens door) What bloody took you so long? 5 minutes? That’s a disgrace. Make with the milk, mamma! And turn that blimmin’ light off which is getting all up in my eyes with its annoying squint-inducing ways.
6.07am: (Inside the olds bedroom) Get this straightjacket of a sleep sack off me NOW! Where is Daddy I can’t see him? Oh under the covers, what’s he doing hiding under there anyway silly codger! Think I’ll give him a whack over the head just to make sure he’s awake like me. Oh and give me some more milk NOW! Read me a book NOW. No, not that one, or that one, or even that one. THAT one!! You silly.
6.15am: I can’t believe we’ve only read Goldilocks and The Three Bears three times so far. Don’t you know I’m trying to learn it off by heart ??! Mum didn’t seem to be putting enough effort on the last reading. Better get her to do it one more time, with gusto, for good measure. Slacker.
6.30am: Don’t want to eat that rubbish mum cooks up for breakfast, think I’ll just toddle off n go and make me some pretend food in the play kitchen whilst the poo in my nappy continues to fester and smear its way across my butt. Mmmmm, SQUIDGE!
6.45am: Gonna slide down the stairs just to fully make sure that poo really resembles a big muddy slip and slide. Oh YEAH! Now carry me to the bathroom UP MUMMY UP MUMMY UP!
7am: I hate this nappy change malarkey. I can’t be doing with lying down for one minute, much better standing up and hanging off mummy while she puts those horrible cold wipes on my bum. Don’t know why that potty’s knocking around for anyway when I can just pee on the floor…..ahhhhhhh sweet relief….
7.05am: What’s with all these weird pieces of clothing? Mum makes it look so easy when she puts them on and now my head is stuck in the arm bit and I can’t pull these tights up and I’m about to loose it – ARGHHHHHHHH!
7.15am: Into the kitchen, except wait, only mum’s in here – where’s Dad and more importantly, where’s Peppa Pig gone? Daddddddy? Me see Dadddddy NOWWWWW!!!!!
7.20am: Right, what can I get into in here? Hmmm let’s get busy with the tupperware cupboard and then for shits n giggles, I’m going to empty the entire contents of my “Magic Box” all over the floor. Mwah ha ha! Not so magic now, huh?
7.30am: Hmmm starting to feel a bit hungry and cranky pants but WILL NOT ADMIT IT. Think more effective would be to just hang off mummy’s pyjama bottoms and whine until they are floating around her ankles.
7.35am: Don’t you dare put me in my chair, I want to do it myself!! and if you even TRY and get anywhere near the fastening clip, you are going to feel my wrath big time! What’s this stupid piece of plastic shit you keep putting around my neck like a dog collar – do I look like Lassie to you?
7.40am: Ah breakfast, except…hang on a minute, I strangely don’t feel hungry any more…and what are those weird bits in the porridge anyway? They don’t look familiar and YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE CHANGE grrrrrr!! Besides, I didn’t order porridge did I?!
7.45am: SIGH. OK if I must sit down and eat with you losers then at least indulge me in a little light entertainment and I might just indulge you. MUMMY READ BOOK NOW!
8am: Phew! Finished with that breakfast shenanigans. What a pointless exercise that was. It’s all about the snacks as far as I’m concerned. Now let’s get out of the house NOW!!!!! Me GO GO GO!
What do you think goes on inside the head of your toddler in the mornings? Something similar? Or perhaps there’s a completely different toddler show being staged?