Right, listen up mum, there’s some things you and I need to get straight. I know you think I’m being a totally unreasonable individual, a drama queen and bordering on obsessive most of the time, but there’s some stuff I just need to get off my chest.
I am just so pissed off at the moment. Like, I mean, unbearably pissed off! In fact, I am SOOOOOO utterly pissed off at being stuck in my toddler body when all I want to do is just own it in the real world, that I wrote this list to you of all the things that have been pissing me off this week, so you can take mental note, and correct the error of your ways. Pop it on the fridge if you think it would help?
So let’s get this show on the road. I’m going to lay down my top 7 reasons I’m pissed off at the moment (yes that’s one for every day of the week), right here, right now.
- I am so utterly pissed off with everyone trying to help me out all the time, like I am some totally helpless douchebag. I mean, if one more person tries to either a) put my shoes on b) put my coat on c) put me in the pram d) do up the car seat belt for me or e) put me in my booster seat when I can quite plainly do it all myself, I am going to literally EXPLODE into a million particles by way of tantrum!
- I am so utterly pissed off that you get to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and all by yourself while I have to just suck up whatever is on my plate, whenever it arrives (half the time it makes me want to PUKE!) and to add insult to injury you keep on trying to take control of the cutlery. BACK OFF ALREADY!!
- I am so utterly pissed off that you won’t let me indulge my favourite hobbies of opening and closing doors, gates (especially the baby gate, which by the way, is a total insult to my being!) and taking things out of the dishwasher whenever I please. I mean, what are you? A total fascist dictator or something? That’s my job, don’t you know!
- I am so utterly pissed off that you can still only understand 98% of what I’m saying to you. When I see that blank, puzzled look on your face I literally want to body slam you. I mean, I came from inside you so how the hell can you not know what on earth I’m saying? GET A GRIP WOMAN!
- I am so utterly pissed off that I still have to wear those geriatric nappy pants. I mean seriously, how am I supposed to work my sassy toddler stuff whilst I’ve got those bulbous atrocities suffocating my butt cheeks? You offer the potty as a solution…I mean, have you ever tried sitting in one of those things lately? Yes, I thought not.
- I am so utterly pissed off that you keep moving things and changing stuff around. You know I hate change and that it just sets all my nerves on total edge. I can feel a migraine coming on just thinking about it! JUST DON’T MOVE ANYTHING, OR DO ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY, and you and I will be good buddies.
- I am so utterly pissed off with Dad. For some reason, Dad keeps on trying to be you. I don’t know what kind of idiot he thinks I am – as if I’d fall for that – but if he gets in the way or even tries to do anything that you normally do just one more time, my god, will he be sorry!
Phew! I feel so much better now I’ve got that off my chest.