*NEWSFLASH* Why having a baby WON’T save your relationship

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Every now and then I am appalled, horrified and pretty much agog as I stumble across some unknowing person in some magazine somewhere who seems to have brainwashed themselves into the single most crazy thought in the world – that a baby will save their relationship.

Related to the thought I want to save my relationship so I better get married (Noooooo!) the notion can often be found to be bounded around by people who think it’s a good idea to tell “all” in trashy magazines and Z list celebrities who have more children then they have TV credits.

Oh yes, we fight all the time but I really want to have a baby and think that in doing so that will save our relationship. And of course that must be a good idea seeing as that’s pretty much where the storyline of the incredibly highbrow and recently released movie Ted 2 starts.

Oh he cheated on me a zillion times but I really want to have his baby. Yes, obviously once you have a baby he is never going to do that ever again. Obvs!!


I literally want to find these people and beat them over the stick shouting…

NOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t you understand, having a baby is the hardest thing in the world.

Then I want to shake them and say….

NOOOOOOOOOO! If your relationship is on the rocks before having a baby, your chances of surviving thereafter are close to zero. That even if you relationship is good beforehand it can be pushed to the brink of everything once you have a baby.

If you don’t believe me let the stats do the talking – family researcher John Gottman of The Gottman Institute’s (which specializes in relationship research) findings say it all, “40 to 70% of couples experience stress, profound conflict and drops in marital satisfaction” after having a baby. If you’re not already coming from a good place, then that extra friction is not going to send you straight to happy land, believe me.

Our first year of baby tested us beyond belief, and if we hadn’t had pretty solid foundations to begin with, I don’t know where we would be today. And while becoming parents is absolutely without doubt the most amazing experience, it is the hardest upon hardest thing a couple can experience in my humble opinion (read my 10 reasons why having a baby is the greatest test of all time here)?

For sure, although having a baby can bring you closer, I strongly believe you need to have a decent basis to build on in order for that to happen. It’s not a magic wand job. Off the top of my head I know a few people who have unfortunately discovered this first hand for themselves (not that they were under any delusions in the first place) but they would probably be happy to back this up having not made it through themselves…

So in case you have found this article and are that person who is wondering whether having a baby will save your relationship.

No. Just. No.

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  1. Well said! I had a friend who pretty much said that and I shouted NOOO DON’T DO IT! We were in a cafe and I did get a few stares but I didn’t care. For the rest of our coffee date I just kept muttering ‘no seriously don’t’.. It’s never come up again. #momsterslink

  2. I think the first few months after a baby are so intense and so hard on your relationship if you’re relationship is shaky anyway it’s going to break you. Completely agree with all of this! #momsterslinkup

  3. Yeah, because nothing helps solve relationship issues like one of the most stressful life events you can go through … Facepalm. Excellent and very sensible post. #momsterslink

  4. What a great way to put it! I hate when people who shouldn’t even be together in the first place then decide to add some kids to the mess. Marriage is hard and like you said adding kids can put even more stress on it. Great post! Thanks for sharing with #momsterslink.

  5. Very true…not sure why so many people think this will be the ticket to long-lasting love! It’s one of those phenomenons I guess…! Great blog. Now following!

  6. Agree. I don’t think some people realise that in the first few weeks, months even a woman becomes this emotionally charged, highly strung, ridiculous monster who men would flee from in an instant…or was that just me?
    Not to mention the later years when parents have different views in boundaries/discipline.
    My partner was filming when I first had my son and to be fair it was the best thing he could have done, kept well out of my way. I think every woman I have spoken to discusses the strains that a new baby puts on their relationship. As you say though, if you start on solid foundations, it all comes good in the end and does eventually bring you closer, but I too do not think my relationship would have survived if it had been rocky to start with #TwinklyTuesday

    • Do you know…funny you say that. I think if we ever have a number 2 then the idea of a partner being well out of the way is going to be our only chance of surviving! It is sooo weird looking back at that woman I was in the first few months…and year even. Quite pleased she has crawled back into her cave for all our sakes lol. Although at the time it was no laughing matter. Thanks for reading.

    • Absolutely love that line – They’re not the anchor to put down in a storm, they ARE the storm.I know…it’s crazy how people can even think that! Must be because we are not sharing enough of the horrors and challenges publicly lol!

  7. I completely agree. I think the trauma of parenting has ultimately made our relationship stronger but it has also tested us to the brink. If I’m brutally honest one of the reasons I’m not pushing for no.3 is the strain it would put on my marriage. #TwinklyTuesday

  8. I didn’t comprehend how hard it is with a stable relationship let alone a rocky one! It just makes me want to hide my head in my hands when i see this! Thanks for linking with #effitfriday sorry it’s taken me so long to get here this week!

  9. Oh I completely agree with you on this. Exhaustion and difference of parenting opinions can cause uproar to a relationship. Anyone who thinks it can be a healer is just dumb! Great post – Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

  10. I 100% agree it can test any relationship and is not a solution to relationship problems by any means! Xx

  11. If you don’t get along well now while you’re still getting a full night’s sleep, just wait! I think having babies is awesome (obviously, I’ve had five) but it’s definitely not a substitute for marriage counseling.

  12. Wise words indeed. If people think — in a hazy and romantic way — that a baby is the way to cement a relationship then they’re sadly misled. Whilst having children can unite a strong couple — a less than unified couple can be pulled apart by the stresses and strains a baby can put on a relationship. Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday — hope to see you again next week! x

    Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk

  13. Totally agree with your post and I often want to scream this at people too! In the Indian community, it’s very very common for the elders to make statements like this and I want to shake some sense into them because sadly there are still people my age who believe them?! Crazy!!! #TwinklyTuesday

  14. Hilarious but so true – what are these people thinking!? It’s the biggest strain on your relationship apart from maybe both losing your jobs. Having said that it does also, assuming you work out a new way of being together, bring you closer in other ways. You’re not simply two people who fancy being with each other – you’ve made a human and they need you and all the little things you used to worry or argue about seem pointless. I wouldnt go back – well maybe for a weekend! #twinklytuesday

  15. I couldn’t agree more with your post here and I have seen it with some of my family and friends couples thinking a baby will bring them closer together and they couldn’t be farther from the truth. Love my babies and have a great relationship myself but it’s tough on a relationship at the best of times if that relationship is already hindering it’s going to be disaster. Eeek. Great post. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

    • Yup it is so painful to see. I am definitely not coming from a position of feeling high and mighty because we found it SO hard and came out the other end, and I have friends who have just had the babies and literally about to kill their partners so it really brings it all back again…

  16. Oh, this is so very true. My relationship was okay but only okay. Deep down, if I was honest with myself I knew it wasn’t right. We didn’t have a baby to keep things together but I did really want a baby and thought we’d be able to make it work. So very wrong – a baby puts ever crack, fissure in a relationship into sharp relief. It has done me a favour really, I was in the wrong relationship … Having a baby makes you do what is right.

    • Yeah it’s so hard. I thought we had a really good relationship but on a few occasions we have been on the brink from the pressures!

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