Why is my child so angry: 2023 guide to dealing with anger in children

Why is my child so angry
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Let’s face it. Little people are prone to BIG emotions and anger is one of them. As parents, this can be one of the most difficult emotions for us to cope with, because one minute our little baby is all sweetness and light and the next – BOOM! They are a raging ball of fire. If you have been wondering “why is my child so angry” then this article, my friends, is for you.

Causes of anger in children

There are many reasons why some children may experience anger more frequently or intensely than others. Some possible factors that could contribute to a child’s anger include:

  1. Developmental factors: Young children may have difficulty controlling their emotions as their brains are still developing, and they may not have developed the skills needed to regulate their feelings effectively.
  2. Family dynamics: A child’s family environment, such as experiencing conflict between parents, neglect, or abuse, can contribute to feelings of anger and frustration.
  3. Trauma or stress: Children who have experienced trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse, may experience anger as a coping mechanism to deal with their emotions.
  4. Mental health conditions: Children with conditions such as ADHD, anxiety, depression, or autism spectrum disorder may be more prone to experiencing anger as part of their symptoms.
  5. Learned behaviour: Children may learn to express anger from the behaviour of those around them, such as parents, siblings, or peers.

Why anger is normal

It’s important to note that anger in children is a normal and natural emotion, and it’s not necessarily problematic unless it is interfering with their daily life or causing harm to themselves or others. If you are concerned about your child’s anger, it may be helpful to speak with a mental health professional or your child’s pediatrician for further evaluation and guidance.

In this article, we will share some wonderfully useful extracts from Help Your Child Manage Their Moods by Louise Baty to help you better understand and cope with your child’s anger when it strikes.

Why is my child so angry
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Ways to cope when your child is angry 

It can be hard to know what to do in the moment when your child is angry, but here are some simple dos and don’ts:

Do:

  • Remember that this is about them, not you, so don’t take it to heart
  • Ensure that they’re safe – remove any sharp or heavy items from their grasp or reach
  • If you’re in public, try to ignore any onlookers – your child is your priority
  • Give consequences for their behaviour (such as throwing or hitting), not their feelings. Teach them that anger is a normal emotion and that you will help them learn how to deal with it.

Don’t

  • Freeze or panic – stay calm
  • Raise your voice as this will only antagonize them further
  • Try to reason with them or ask them to explain why they’re angry right then and there as that’s only likely to make things worse
  • Get physical with your child, shoving or manhandling them

What to say while they are angry

When your child feels overwhelmed with emotion, it’s your job to stay calm and guide them safely through it with soothing language and actions. 

Use simple, positive statements to show them that you’re on their side: “I can see you’re angry and it’s okay to let it out.”

Be firm about what is and isn’t acceptable: “I know you’re cross but I won’t let you hit me.”

Reassure them that you’re supporting them: “I’m here and I love you.”

Explain what you’re doing: “I’m going to wait until you’ve stopped shouting and then maybe we can talk.”

Offer comfort but don’t force it: “Do you think you might like a cuddle? I’m here if you do.”

What not to say when they’re angry

Don’t shout back or tell them off for feeling angry. 

Don’t say “You’re making me cross.”

Don’t dismiss or minimize their feelings by telling them to “calm down”, “stop screaming” or “stop whining”. Try saying: “I can’t understand you when you’re talking in that way – can you talk more calmly please?”

Don’t try to shame them by calling them “spoilt” or “naughty”.

If you’re in a public place, resist the urge to hiss “You’re embarrassing me!” Your child isn’t having an outburst to show you up; they’re overwhelmed with emotion. Try saying “Shall we go and talk about this somewhere quieter and try to work it out as a team?”

Why is my child so angry
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Don’t take it personally

It’s hard not to feel hurt when you’re bearing the brunt of your child’s latest angry outburst. But try not to take it personally. 

Your child isn’t deliberately “playing up” to ruin your day. In fact, this really isn’t about you and it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent

But when your child has lost control of their emotions, they will look to you for calming reassurance. So if you find yourself asking “Why are you doing this to me?” or losing control of your own emotions in response to their behaviour, it may be time to briefly step back.

Providing your child is safe, it’s fine to momentarily turn around or retreat to another room to gather your composure.

How to express emotions in a healthy way 

Teach your child that it’s okay – and perfectly normal – to experience strong emotions but that some ways of expressing them are healthier than others. 

Be your child’s role model by demonstrating how to positively handle strong emotions. Speak calmly rather than shouting or yelling around them. 

Explain to them how you deal with your own feelings.

For example, you could say: “I felt really cross the other day when I lost my keys. But instead of shouting, I took a breath, counted to five and tried to remember where I’d left them. It really helped me feel better. Do you think it would help you too?”

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Take a breath

Teach your child one of the simplest mindfulness techniques around – taking a deep breath.

When emotions threaten to overwhelm us, it can be really helpful to take a moment to breathe in deeply and exhale out slowly.

This gives us time to momentarily gather our thoughts and, hopefully, stop anger in its tracks. Also, it’s so easy and can be done by adults and children alike. 

When you notice your child demonstrating the early warning signs of anger, try calmly telling them to “Take a deep breath and then let’s talk about how you’re feeling.” Try it yourself and see the positive effects.

Count to ten

You may remember being told to count to ten as a child yourself because it’s a technique that has been used for generations. 

Now research* has found that in certain situations, the count-to-ten method can help reduce aggression. Counting methodically is familiar and accessible to most children from the age of five. It’s also a simple distraction method, a way of teaching your child to take a few moments when they sense their mood changing. By counting – either aloud or in their head – they give themselves time to calm down and allow their anger to subside.

*The Journal of Applied Social Psychology, Jeffrey Osgood and Mark Muraven at the State University of New York.

We hope this guide to dealing with anger in children has given you some tools and strategies to help you deal with your children’s emotions.

If you are looking for more related content what not check out:

Parenting a child with intense emotions: 7 effective strategies to use

How to make a child resilient

Exploring mindfulness with your child

How to support children’s mental health

Parenting a defiant child: 10 tips for positive parenting

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