WAKE UP! The 10 different types of parent wake ups (baby & toddler edition)

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From the minute you become a parent, waking up is never the same..at least for a long while. Once upon a time it was a matter of setting the alarm, and waking up. Pretty much one type of wake up. Standard. Being a parent brings with it a ridiculous 10 different types of wake ups (that I can factor anyway – perhaps you have more?), each bringing with it different chances of grumpy fuckness in the morning. And so without further ado, I give you my 10 different types of parent wake ups (warning: frequent –  but given the subject – probably not surprising over use of the word fuck):

  1. THE WHAT THE FUCK TIME IS THIS?! WAKE UP

The dulcet tones of crying stir you from your sleep. It’s pitch black. You blearily fumble for the time. Holy fuck it’s 3am. You lie in silence as you try to work out your next move – ignore? hope it goes away? or do the right thing….

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 7/10

  1. THE BUGGER I WOKE UP BEFORE THEY DID WAKE UP

You slowly slide into consciousness. It’s light. But there’s no noise. No screaming. Not a peep. You wonder whether they slept late. Could it be? You suspiciously fumble for the time. A cruel trick. You are wide awake at 5.30am whilst everyone else is still asleep. At least it means you can have a shit in peace.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 2/10

  1. THE OMG I WOKE UP AND THEY ARE STILL ASLEEP! WAKE UP

You wake up, you feel fresh as a daisy, but it sounds like someone turned the mute button on. You hear cars leaving for work outside. What is this folly? Fuck me, you’ve hit the jackpot! It’s 7am and they are still asleep. Next thought: Oh God, are they still alive? No chance of enjoying the lie in now that you spend these precious moments angsting over whether they are still breathing. All chances of enjoying this rare state of affairs are now down the drain.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 1/10

  1. THE FUCK THEY ARE STILL NOT AWAKE!! WAKE UP

This one usually coincides with classic sods law events such as road trips for which you have to leave early or important early appointments. You practically stand guard outside their door checking your watch every second because yeah right, a watched kettle never boils you dummy. Oh life can be so cruel sometimes.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 2/10

  1. THE OH I WOKE UP AND THEY’VE JUST WOKEN UP WAKE UP

Said nobody, ever.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 0/10. Because it never happens you fool! 

  1. THE SHHHHHH IT’S “THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT” WAKE UP

It’s 5am. They are howling. You know they are not going back to sleep. They know they are not going back to sleep. Technically speaking, 5am is still the middle of the night, so you slink off and try to play that card, even though the light has still managed to find a a way of winding its way round the black out blind, totally exposing your “middle of the night” lie which finally keels over and dies as a lone bird starts tweeting outside the window. Worth a shot if it gives you another half hour in bed.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 7/10

  1. THE WHAT THE FUCK I ONLY JUST GOT BACK TO SLEEP! WAKE UP

Commonly associated with teething, sleep regressions and night feeds. You have just managed to wind your brain back down 2 hours after they last got up and OH FUCK FUCK FUCK are you kidding me?

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 9/10

  1. THE OMG MY BREAST IS LEAKING! WAKE UP (for mums only)

You’re dreaming that your swimming in the ocean, the waves lapping, the sun glistening down on you…except you begin to realize in your dream state that it is not the ocean, but in fact a big patch of leaking milk which you are floundering around in. Nasty.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 5/10

  1. THE WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SOUND?! WAKE UP

Coined as the “Phantom Cry” by the DADventurer (see more here), you awake startled. What, why could they be crying? Oh hang on that’s not them – it’s a fox / drunk person / siren / insert other possibilities here. Pissed off to the max.

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 7/10

  1. THE IT WASN’T THE BABY/TODDLER WAKE UP

As if you don’t have enough sleep problems you also have to deal with snoring, starfishing, itching, coughing, duvet stealing from someone else who shall not be named…come on now, will somebody please give us parents a break?

Chances of you being a grumpy fuck in the morning = 9/10

I’m pretty sure we could take this list to 20, if you lovely lot club in with any additional types of parent wake ups… so over to you in the comments!

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59 comments

  1. Haha, great post and love the excessive use of fuck. I’ve experienced most of these unfortunately too (apart from the leaky boob). Thanks for the mention 🙂

  2. Yes, had most of these at one point or another. Except the one where everyone wakes at the same time. Obviously.
    We also play the ‘I’m asleep, honest’ wake up where both my wife and I pretend we’re still snoring so the other will get up and deal with the baby.

  3. One for the early days: the oh fuck my bed is drenched in sweat wake up. But I can’t turn the duvet over as that’s still damp from the last wake up less than 3 hours ago. Eurgh postnatal night sweats. Had them for a week with number one but for over a month with the twins. Yuck yuck yuck!!

  4. I’d say the old bladder isn’t as strong as it was pre-children, I’m always waking up needing a wee and then spend the next 2 hours getting back to sleep until 5 minutes later I heard “muuuummy is it morning!” #sharewithme

  5. I have erratic sleep. I dont know if I really woke up when I woke up as I have been waking up all night. In the end I wake up because I have been checking my phone all night and I need to continue chatting with my sister who is in another country and another timezone. This is such a nice read =) #mmwbh

    • Oh yes there is definitely the I don’t know whether I just woke up or ever went to sleep in the first place variation should have factored that in! Glad you enjoyed it. You should stay tuned for my confessions of a sleep obsessed mum which is largely to do with erratic sleep! x

  6. Ha fab post. My toddler has taken to sleeping in my bed so I get woken up by a kick in the ribs or a cough in my face, lovely!!
    #Sharewithme

  7. Experienced them all, except for number 5 and the leaking boobs – my boobs never really did work! I have however moved on and my fave wake up is now the one where the four kids get up, put the TV on quietly and make their own breakfast – this too will happen for you! Linking up with #MMWBH Mel xx

  8. Haha brilliant! I hate 3. I have that concern with naps too sometimes. Toddler is having a tantrum & then she is suddenly silent. & I have the dilemma of did something happen to her or is she just asleep & will wake up if I go & check! #TheList

  9. Howling and nodding at this – I have the boob leak one a lot. Was woken up by the eight year old at 5am this morning, ready for school! I had fed the youngest at 4am lol #TheList #FridayFrolics

  10. The worst is number 2, this happens to me all the time! Desperately try to get back to sleep but by the time I’m dozing off the baby wakes. I’m glad im not alone in this hell ☺️

  11. That’s the funniest post I’ve read all week! Agree with No. 2 and No.9…… My mummy’s days usually start at 5am….. and she is a grumpy *#%! Thanks for making me smile #TheList #SharewithMe

  12. AHH this literally made me laugh out loud. I think I can relate to ALL of them (except the leaky boob one, that is why I moved to bottle-feeding!) Oh sleep, I love sleep so much. #sundaystars
    Sabrina xx

  13. The wake up and discover you are all out of coffee wake up..Chances of me being a grumpy fuck all day 10/10.

  14. Oh I love this so funny. I usually can add a few hundred to this list of wakes up sadly its not frommy two toddlers but the hubby as well! Grr. hahaha Great post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

  15. Hilarious!! You’ve totally nailed it – we have all of the rubbish ones in this house. It is a very rare occurrence indeed that I’m up unless I have been woken. Grrrr!

    Thanks for linking up to #TheList xx

    • I should have added another one to this list which I experienced this morning – waking up with your period and feeling like you’ve been in a car crash – chances of being a grumpy fuck in the morning 10/10

  16. Brilliant post! I hate the 5am wake up. Especially now the four year old will usually open her curtains and be shouting “It’s morning time” and you are trying to explain why it isn’t actually morning time despite the light and birds singing.
    Thanks for linking up with #SundayStars

  17. Love this… And realised I quite often have several of these wake ups in one night.

    Another one from the early days – the ‘where did I put the baby?’ Wake up when you’re so sleep deprived that you can’t remember putting baby back in the Moses basket after feeding that you wake up looking for them under the duvet. (Should probably also clarify that the baby was always in the Moses basket rather than under the duvet.)

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