15 kid-inflicted parental injuries every parent has

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Parenting is tough, no doubt about it. But alongside all the emotional knocks and challenges of being a parent to a little one come the physical ones too. It is without question that at some stage during your tyke’s earlier years, you can expect to notch up every one of these kid-inflicted injuries, as issued by your very own kiddo:

1. Scooter Shin

You think you’re being clever by hooking the scooter over the pram after your little sproglet has decided a split second after leaving the house that they no longer want, nor require it. You’re damned if you’re going to be found schlepping the god-foresaken thing around with you all afternoon, and smugly hook it over the pram and then promptly un-smug yourself after it rudely thwacks you in the shin in rhythmic sync with the pram, leaving your shins a battlefield of bruises

2. Lego Foot

Dear god, is there any foot injury more painful than unwittingly standing on a piece of lego? Is this what the cruel Danish designers had in mind for our feet when they dreamed up the design? Killing parent’s feet in a home near you soon.

3. Pesky Pinch

I blame the grannys for this one – all their pinching of cute chubby cheeks is finally revenged by our little ones as their little fingers pincer our not so chubby ones. Extra injury points if it’s Daddy’s nipple.

4. Put It Together Punch

Being a parent means being an engineer of sorts. Suddenly, what should have been an easy afternoon of putting together the latest toy set becomes blood central as you try to prise the wrong combination of parts you have ridiculously forced together in the vain hope that “it’ll do” apart, only for them to give you a full on blow across the face once you finally prise them free. Bosh!

5. Elbow-Boob

Hey mummy! Let me crawl over you and give you a cuddle, and in doing so dig my boney little elbow with full force into your wizened boob which no longer provides the shock absorbtion it once did, and leave you mentally effing and blinding in pain thereafter.

6. Nose-Headbutt

One minute you’re minding your own business, the next it’s like someone has bopped you over the nose with a caveman club…except that club is actually your child’s head. Lovely.

7. Wonky Hip

You’ve been carrying a child who to the untrained eye looks WAY too big to carry around, firmly lodged up against your hip for most of the afternoon. Could it be that your hip is actually descending down to your knee? Because that’s DEFINITELY what this injury feels like.

8. Hair Yank

From babies to toddlers and preschoolers…there’s something about our hair that just makes it so yankable! As if our hair was not traumatized enough by turning a shade of grey one strand followed by another, it also has to fight for its life to actually stay on our head too!

9. Eye Jab

One minute you’re going in for a glorious cuddle, the next you’ve been blinded by a wayward pointy finger which seemed to get lost on the way. Proving that the phrase better than a poke in the eye is absolutely 100% correct. Because, yes anything IS better than a poke in the eye it hurts so much. More on what that feels like here!

10. Glasses gash

Reserved exclusively for the lucky (or unlucky) square eyes amongst us, you may think that glasses in fact help you duck out of injuries, especially number 9 in this list, but there is nothing like a pair of glasses being thwacked back further from your nose then they ever should be, to give you some serious ouch! factor.

11. Brutal Bite

Blame it on the teething, blame it on the animal instinct, or blame it on pure toddler rage. Whatever the circumstances or excuse, a bite has to be one the most degrading, uncomical injuries in my book!

12. Tyranical Trampoline

Last time you looked, you seemed to be a human. However check in with your child and they seem to have confused you for a trampoline. Being bounced on with full force without any prior warning may be a kiddo’s idea of fun, but let us parents tell you..we are a far cry from a bouncy castle you rascals!

13. Earring Laceration

Look at those dangly pretties in your ears! Don’t they look so pull-able? Yes, in fact they do, and boy does it hurt when someone thinks it’s a good idea to see whether if they just yank down on them really hard, they will just come off…errr…and almost take your whole earlobe off along with it!

14. Cat Scratch

Maybe we should all get our children scratching poles? Because last time we counted, we have received more scratches from their innocent looking nails than any cat in residence has ever probably dished out.

15. Busted Back

Nights spent bending over a cot trying to settle your baby, dragging a toddler-laid pram over some steps because “you thought you could manage it”, and playing horsey relentlessly for your resident tyrant. You can bet that at some point, your back will be well and truly f*****!

How many out of these 15 injuries have you experienced? Leave a comment and let me know what you scored.

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  1. Oh yes I have several of these currently! The best so far has been him grabbing my phone and smashing it onto my nose as YouTube didn’t appear as if by magic, that one bled, a lot!

  2. Hahaha! I’ve definitely had most of these. I’m so glad my girls are a bit older now. But a 5 year old lap daughter is perfect for the nose headbutt and the elbows everywhere. Good thing she’s cute! Great post!!

  3. Hahah so funny! I’ve mostly experience hair yank and busted back as he is still a baby, but looking forward to the other injuries! ; ) #coolmumclub

  4. ha ha so funny – 5,6 & 7! I remember them so well number 5 – ouch, ouch, ouch – actually the wonky hip still seems to come in to play many years later! #Coolmumclub

  5. Only 13/15! I’m feeling good about that! But explained by the fact that I don’t wear glasses and we’ve not reached the scooter age yet – he’s a master of all the others, particularly the pinch! His favourite comfort habit is to stick his hand down my top and pinch the skin – yeowch! Also, I’m more familiar with lego foot than anyone should ever be after working at Legoland in my youth! #coolmumclubw

  6. I can relate to all of these – although we haven’t entered lego territory yet! I literally almost lost my finger the other day trying to get some other piece of crap from her mouth – it is really not funny…fab post x #coolmumclub

  7. This had me laughing the whole way through 🙂 as a mum to a can’t-keep-still 4 year old, I am not ashamed to admit I score a whopping 15 out of 15!

    Damn kids and their shenanigans!

  8. The hair pull and eye jab are very popular with the Popple. I try not to wear long earrings anymore because she can’t resist the temptation to pull on them, taking half my earlobe with her. #coolmumclub

  9. Omg the nose- head butt is SO blimmin sore- and that thing where you bend down to kiss them at exactly the same time as they jump up to kiss you- OUCH #coolmumclub

  10. You’re missing the testicular blow familair to all fathers that take their child to swimming lessons. Thanks for hosting #coolmumclub and highlighting my blog post!

  11. This is brilliant 🙂 I did a post about co-sleeping injuries but this hits all the parent pains perfectly.I’ve had most of these…its a dangerous game this parenting. #coolmumclub

  12. haha yes I’ve had a few! I often get run over by the trike, step on bits of lego, cars -that kinda thing. fun times #coolmumclub

  13. At least 10. Probably more, but I drowned them out with my pal Shiraz. I can’t quite get past the wizened boob – have you been watching?
    Ah if only they were the fluffy pillows of yore.
    Brilliant – you know how to nail a list. x #coolmumclub

  14. Let me share with you that I was subject to a number 11 on my bare nipple (through PJs) yesterday. No, not breast feeding, that ended a LOONG time ago. Just a malicious toddler tantrum teeth attack. OUCH.
    Thanks for being my #coolmumclub wingman!

  15. Oh, the head butting. It’s BRUTAL!!!
    My 13 month old busted my lip open yesterday with his noggin, it was the worst. I am always so sore at the end of the day, and I NEVER work out…haha. Parenting is a very dangerous job. Thanks for the laugh x #coolmumclub

  16. The nose headset is the absolute worst! It brings tears to the eyes. When one of my boys was around 2 he gave me a black eye by head butting it. That was by far the worst injury I have had to date from them. #coolmumclub

  17. Ooooh yes all to familiar had my fair share of these in my 21 months in the job. Although I do not look forward to scooter shin or Lego foot, I am sure they inevitable but for now we’re stuck on elbow boob, nose head butt and definitely hair yank. Fab post xx #coolmumclub

  18. Yep. Pretty much had all of these I think. I love the names you’ve given them – makes them sound like *proper* fighting/boxing moves. I might feel a bit less pathetic tomorrow morning when NC bites me hard on the neck in a ‘loving’ way … #coolmumclub

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