For months on end, my daughter could not stop talking about how much she wanted to go to nursery, that is…until she actually went to one and promptly decided she hated it and didn’t want to go to nursery at all. Of course, a toddler’s expectations of nursery are probably a far cry from reality, namely for the reason they only have their wild imaginations to go on.

A quick scour of forums sees endless numbers of mums angsting over what to do when their child cries in desperation as they leave them at nursery, or worse still, all throughout the day when you are gone. Not exactly our finest moments as parents but there are things that you can do, which I’ve found, help a long way to helping your little one feel more comfortable about settling into this new and let’s face it, very overwhelming experience.

Reasons your child doesn’t want to go to nursery

here could be several reasons why a child may not want to go to nursery, including:

1. Separation anxiety: This is a common problem for young children and occurs when they become attached to their caregivers and are afraid of being separated from them.
2. Fear of the unknown: A new environment, new people, and new routines can be overwhelming for some children.
3. Negative experiences: If a child has had a negative experience at nursery, such as being bullied or feeling neglected, they may not want to go back.
4. Change: Children may have trouble adjusting to change, even positive changes like going to nursery.
5. Homesickness: Some children may miss their family and feel homesick when they are away from them.

It’s important to understand and address the root cause of your child’s reluctance to go to nursery. Talking to them, offering reassurance, and involving them in the transition process can help make the transition smoother.

Things to try when your child doesn’t want to go to nursery

1. Build excitement and talk about it….a lot!

A big part of the unease of settling into nursery is that it is just so different from life as they knew it before, and a far cry from their expectations. Make a point about talking about nursery every day, what happens there, the exciting things they will do, the friends they will make, trying to draw similarities in activities they do there and elsewhere, the people that work there, any other children you might have met.

Try to look up photos on the nursery’s websites if they have one and talk about all the things the children are doing there, whether your child has enjoyed that activity at nursery. Ask others in your family to talk about nursery with your child in a non-pressurising way. The key here is to make it all sound part of normal life, and make it relatable to your little one once they have left the nursery environment.

To support this, you can look up videos of other children going to nursery and reading the numerous books out there about children going to nursery.

2. Make a point to pass by the nursery

As part of trying to make nursery seem like an everyday part of life, try and weave it into your weekly routine for the days when your child is not there. If you have errands to run, try making a detour to pass by the nursery, giving it a little wave, and making chit-chat about what might be happening in the nursery at that point in time. This will help to familiarise them with the environment in a no-pressure type situation. If your child hasn’t started yet, needless to say it’s important that you take your child for a visit to the nursery before their first day, so they can see the place and meet the staff.

3. Focus on something good

This for me was what really turned things around for us with the nursery hating. I knew my daughter did French every morning and had seemed to pick up a little bit, so instead of making nursery about “not leaving me”, I made it all about doing French.

I am lucky enough to speak a little French, and started counting in French with her at home, putting on French songs, and watching French nursery rhymes with her. Nursery then became all about doing something positive that she enjoyed rather than being something to be upset over. It worked a treat! And of course, this strategy can be transferred to pretty much anything.

4. Give plenty of notice

This relates to the point about talking, but I find that prepping little ones for what to come and when goes a long way. Don’t just spring it on them that morning that it’s nursery day…(how scary is that!), but let them know in an unpressurizing way how many sleeps it is to nursery, or that particular days of the week are nursery days and that the day is tomorrow, for example. The more opportunity you allow them to prepare for the experience, and know that it is coming, the better.

5. Have patience

I have to admit, there are time when I have wondered whether I should pull my girl out of nursery. But what would be the point? We would have to start all over again at some stage, and there’s no guarantee she would be any more ready for it them. At the end of the day, most children of nursery age, given the choice, and quite likely want to spend time with mummy over going to nursery – I still find this amazing given how independent my little one is and just think that one day, it will morph into trying to bunk off school with a sore throat!

6. Validate their feelings

Although we might be fire fighting a thousand other things, it’s important not to belittle your child’s concerns and anxieties around going to nursery. Instead, it’s important to effectively say – “I hear you”. In other words, you want to validate their feelings. This can be as simple as letting your child know that their feelings are valid and that it’s normal to feel nervous or upset about going to a new place. Sometimes all small children need is to feel hear and understood.

7. Offer comfort – but consistency is key

When your child is bawling their eyes out saying they don’t want to go to nursery, it can be all too easy to let guilt get the better of you, and before you know it you’ve given to letting them stay at home. But this will only do more harm than good in the long run. You can offer comfort and reassurance that they will have a positive experience, that you will come back to them at the end of the day, and that they will be well looked after and cared for there. However, it’s also important to maintain a consistent routine for drop-off and pick-up, so your child knows what to expect, no matter how dreadful you feel about it all. Be sure to take a deep breath and remind yourself that this too shall pass! If things are particularly painful, try gradual separation by starting with short sessions at the nursery and gradually increasing the length of time your child spends there.

8. If all else fails – ask for support from the staff

If you have tried all of the above and things are still a painful battle, there’s no need to suffer in silence. Remember you are not alone and this happens to thousands of parents everywhere. It is no reflection on your abilities as a parent, or the behaviour of your child. There’s absolutely no shame in asking for help and you should talk and work with the staff at the nursery to create a positive experience for your child and to address any ongoing concerns about your child’s willingness to go to nursery.

Does your little one hate going to nursery? What strategies have you tried to win them over? Do leave a comment and share your own experience.