6 reasons why I won’t be getting a designer vagina

designer vagina, labiaplasty

Unless you have been living under a rock of late, you may have heard that getting a designer vagina is the latest trend swooping over from those clever (aherm) LA folk who love to create a hang up about everything under the sun.

Touted as the new nose job, if you’re wondering what on earth getting a designer vagina means quite simply it is this – surgical enhancement of the vulvar structures, labia minora, labia majora, mons pubis, perineum, introitus and hymen to achieve the patient’s desired “look. Lovely!

Apparently, there has been a dramatic increase in the number of girls and women having cosmetic surgery on their vaginas, and it’s now the third most popular procedure in the UK (holy moly!), according to search engine Whatclinic.com.

Fuelled apparently by our obsession with mind numbing TV shows like Embarrassing Bodies and allegedly our need to look neat and tidy in yoga pants (seriously?!), I do wonder just a LITTLE bit that perhaps people might need to have some larger issues in life to occupy their concerns, rather than worrying what their lady bits might or might not look like under close inspection.

Here are 6 reasons why I, for one, won’t be getting a designer vagina (or labiaplasty):

  1. I don’t even have the time to pluck my eyebrows or shave my legs, let alone worry about the shape and size of my lady bits.
  2. I don’t think I have been brave enough to look down there since childbirth, preferring instead to adhere to the mantra, out of sight, out of mind.
  3. My stream of conciousness is mainly concerned with a) I hope I am not messing up my daughter and b) What am I going to make for breakfast tomorrow and c) Did I make enough money to cover the childcare this month or d) World peace – not whether my noo noo is picture perfect.
  4. C’mon now, nobody is even looking down there! It’s not like it gets a regular enough outing for this to even be an issue.
  5. If I was going to spend in the region of £1,300 – £3,700 on something, I could think of a lot better things to spend it on – namely, a week’s luxurious yoga and meditation retreat where I would’t have to talk to ANYBODY, or a five star holiday of some description.
  6. There are other areas of my body which are far more likely to require the attention of a surgeon’s knife if ever – for instance, my deflated grape-like boobs or my wrinkly sack of a stomach.

So over it already.

What do you think of this recent phenomenon to sweep over from the States? Love? Hate?

**Did this post tickle you? Please go on and give it a little share on Facebook or Tweet on Twitter or Stumble below! **

49 comments

  1. Ha! Ridiculous! As if we need anything else to worry about. No one even sees it, and if people who do don’t like it, maybe they shouldn’t be seeing it!

  2. A vagina that’s had stuff pushed in and out of it like kids, dicks and plastic rabbits are meant to resemble a kebab aren’t they? Mine can stay as it is. I wear leggings and look like I have a mini-widge. No problem. That’s what big t shirts are for!

  3. I’m quite stunned that this is the third most common cosmetic procedure in the UK – I can’t imagine that I’d ever be tempted to have something like this done. I’m always a bit surprised by the level of obsession on Mumsnet over having a tidy lady garden – especially by pregnant ladies. Seriously, I was a midwife for ten years and I can honestly say that the state of someone’s bits (FGM aside) was never something I even thought about! If I had that kind of money to spare, there are a million other things I would rather spend it on – it’s not as if anyone other than myself and hubby (and the occasional medical professional) tends to get to see it anyway!

  4. Yep, I’m also shocked that this is a thing, and the third most popular procedure in this country!! Actually, considering a near 10lb baby, I think mine faired considerably well! And even if it didn’t, I think the gp who fitted my coil was the last person to see it!! Flippin coil wasn’t really necessary…! Definitely would NOT waste my money on this! Although I have been looking into tummy tuck costs… I won’t lie, I probably wouldn’t pass one of those up…!

  5. I would be questioning WhatClinic’s stats with a capital Q. What was the sample size and were they all women in the maternity ward who had just had forceps deliveries???? Regardless, it is a vanity procedure. Without being too graphic, have you ever met a man who has turned down sex based on the appearance of a woman’s labia? No, neither have I. In terms of whacky procedures, however, googlewhack anal bleaching. Arguably even more pointless than getting a designer vagina (oooo, wow, it rhymes, only just noticed that!).

  6. 4 and 6 tickled me a lot! I’ve heard of it but, for pretty much the same reasons as you, I will not be partaking in this new trend! my foof is fine as it is! #CoolMumClub

  7. The last time I saw mine was before childbirth. Sometime in the summer around 2012. If I was spending that much money of a designer vagina I would have to just walk around with it out all the time…its lucky I am poor.

  8. You know what puts me off the most? If it all goes wrong for sex if you get me? Trimming something they shouldn’t?! HAha. Mine isn’t perfect but not risking that one! Thanks for hosting xx

  9. How much for a designer vagina!! That is crazy. That is like a mortgage payment or many, many months of food shops. For that price I would want to move into my vagina. Nah, think I will give that one a miss. Out of sight and therefore out of mind. 🙂 #coolmumclub

  10. I am crying with laughter – I love your writing! What an insane idea – I can’t believe this is even a thing! We’re lucky if we remember to do the odd pelvic floor!!! A great post as always xx #coolmumclub

  11. Haha great post – again! I blame porn; ver-jay-jays are supposed to look different to each other, and grown women should look different to children!!

    But then really this is just another way of “enhancing” via surgery. Should we really judge one form of cosmetic procedure over another?

    Promoting good body image is great but possibly too idealistic these days… Worries me, the pressures my girls will face to conform…

  12. I seriously cant believe this is now the 3rd most popular cosmetic surgery – I clearly have been living under a rock! Its kind of crazy and absurd that girls and women feel like 1; they need to get it done 2; its going to make a difference. Some people clearly have too much money, or not enough sense – I like you would much rather spend that money on a holiday or better still some clothes! Emily #coolmumclub

  13. Oh Lordy. I can’t believe this is even a thing. I bet the women who are doing this have not pushed a baby out of there. I just can’t comprehend how it really matters anyway! X #coolmumclub

  14. The closest I’ve got to a designer vagina is remembering to have my wax done! Although, I think the one plus of having a c-section is probably not needing to have a designer vagina any time soon! #coolmumclub

  15. Oh good god – really. I swear at the TV when I watch those Real Housewives programmes – where they are all sad – even though they don’t work, have amazing houses and more money than they can spend. Not matter how much people have they will find an area lacking – my foo is well down my lacking list haha. Great post #coolmumclub

  16. Agree with Mrs Lighty… WHY!?? It’s a sad state of affairs if women are obsessing about the way their fannies look! What a funny post too 🙂 Brilliant! Sarah and Louise

    #coolmumclub

  17. I can’t comment, I think I just “pee’d my pants”… Rolling on the floor, hysterical laughter… This is the FIRST time I am hearing about this.. What world am I living in that I haven’t heard of the DESIGNER VAGINA 😉 …. Oh.. I must be raising 4 kids.

    Hilarious!

  18. Good grief, some people have more money than sense! And I totally agree, I have more pressing concerns than worrying about that! Ha ha this did give me a laugh though x #coolmumclub

  19. I completely hate this whole trend and think it’s one of the dumbest things my country could have ever come up with. It sends such a bad message to young girls and women that the most sacred parts of their bodies aren’t good enough if they don’t look a certain way and I’m with #dadbloguk on this one – I don’t know ANY man who would give up sex because a woman’s vagina didn’t look a certain way. They won’t even turn it down if the woman isn’t shaved. It’s all such nonsense. When I read things like this and these crazy trends, I think of my 16 year old niece and her friends and hope that it doesn’t damage their already fragile teenage self-esteem because some ignorant asshat decided to make women even more uncomfortable with their bodies. I am totally against this. What is this world coming to? I love your article and I’m here to tell you you are definitely not alone! #coolmumclub

  20. Bleuugggh! Having had my noo noo sliced and diced trying to get tot one out of me, I have no desire whatsoever to have any sharp implements in the same room. I certainly would not pay for the privilege! I like to keep my vajayjay nice and cosy under a warm and fluffy ‘lack of intimate grooming’. 😀 Definitely not for me thank you!

    Thanks for hosting xx
    #coolmumclub

  21. Haha I love this! I too have a list a mile long of things I would much rather spend the money!! In all seriousness, I think that this craze is setting a terrible example to young girls and distorting the expectations of young men too. Vaginas are supposed to come in all different shapes and sizes and I would hate for someone to feel that theirs wasn’t “normal” or feel self conscious that it didn’t look like these designer vaginas. Great post! #coolmumclub

  22. Hahaha…loved it (the post, not the trend). Classic reasons why you (or most mums) wouldn’t go for it… can so relate!
    #coolmumclub

  23. I think designer vaginas are an effing crazy idea! If anyone who sees my vagina is that shallow then they don’t deserve to see it! Haha, and as you said there are far better things to be spending money on. I’m with you on avoiding looking at it these days though, I made the mistake of peeking about two weeks after birth and I think the phrase ‘war zone’ came to mind! #coolmumclub

  24. Really?!! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at how depressing these statistics are!! I totally agree with you on all points, particularly the “out of sight out of mind!” Thanks for hosting #CoolMumClub xx

  25. I can’t believe people pay that kind of money to let a surgeon near their lady garden with a scalpel?
    Nah, you’re alright ta…OUCH!
    Brilliantly funny as always Talya, keep em coming! x
    #coolmumclub

  26. I have clearly been living under a rock! What on earth are people thinking? Some people clearly have more money than sense. There is no way I would ever get this done, are we really supposed to care what our vaginas look like now, on top of all the other things we have to worry about?This made me laugh xx #coolmumclub

  27. Oh my goodness how unbelievable is that. I am with you on all 1-6 of the above particularly number 2, I am a big believer in out of sight out of mind. #coolmumclub

  28. Why is this even a thing? It’s one of the craziest things I have ever heard. Totally with you on not even having time to shave or pluck, why would we even think about slicing and dicing our lady bites for any other reason than childbirth? Pure madness! #coolmumclub

  29. Wow, this is crazy! I live in the US and, though I’m not sure what the popularity for surgical vaginal touch-ups is, I’ll bet it’s just as high. So sad that women are that self-conscious that they’ll allow someone to go near their lady bits with a knife-just because! Definitely agree with you, I will NOT be getting a designer vagina. Haha #coolmumclub

  30. Brilliant. Totally with you – what you can’t see can’t hurt you. If you’re getting no complaints from stake holders (bad choice) then allllll is good. Great read. x #coolmumclub

  31. Sadly I have heard about this being from CA. Although I’d like to rep my city up in SF we aren’t as superficial. This is ridiculous and scares me that people have become insecure about private areas now, WTF. It’s bad enough people are hiding behind plastic faces and warping young girls perception of beauty, do they really have to do down there too??! Blah. #coolmumclub

  32. Popping back from #coolmumclub… I still don’t understand why why why why why why people would think of this, nevermind consider surgery. Surely the doctors could be doing more meaningful useful surgery anyway?!

  33. Haha, love this… what a crazy thing to do! When other cultures do it we call it FGM and say it’s torture (and I’m inclined to agree) then when we do it and pay a fortune for it it’s cosmetic surgery!!! I’m with you on all the reasons NOT to do this!

  34. eeekkk….running away now! Nope, I definitely won’t be going near that. But I am not really surprised at what people will pay for though. Thanks for hosting #coolmumclub

  35. Crikey, HOW MUCH? A few people have commented on this eye-watering figure but what is actually more shocking is how ‘normal’ it seems to have become. I guess plastic surgery to improve self-confidence is never black and white but this does seem COMPLETELY ridiculous. Think I’ll pass. Thanks for giving it such a refreshingly (ahem) humorous facelift. #coolmumclub

  36. A designer vagina? What a horrific idea. I wonder whether you can get one that withstands labour and the rips and tears that come with childbirth. I most definitely will not be getting a designer vagina. #coolmumclub

  37. Ha ha – love this! And I couldn’t agree more! What a complete waste of money that we could be treating ourselves with in other ways and I do think pretty much all surgery is just a replacement for something that would be better treated in therapy IMO. Thanks for sharing x #coolmumclub

  38. I agree with absolutely all of these! I understand where people have had actual damage like prolapses that needs rectifying because it causes problems, but anything else is ridiculous to me! #coolmumclub

  39. Visiting from #coolmumclub!
    Shared this on Twitter, I loved it so much. How is this even a thing? I’m totally with you and your “inability” to even groom eyebrows and legs on a regular basis! Great post. 🙂

  40. Wowi have never heard of this. Yet again smother American crazy idea. Why was you do it, if you can’t really.display it to anyone lol X #coolmumclub

  41. […] Now, how much this bothers you depends to what extent all of the above is affecting you. For some, it might be only just noticeable, so we march on with life. But what if things down below are REALLY bothering you? What then? In my opinion, I wouldn’t touch any kind of invasive surgery down there with a barge poll – more on that here about where I wouldn’t want a designer vagina. […]

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.