Brilliant parenting: How to be the best mum or dad in the world in 2023

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If you’re of a certain age you might remember ‘Little House on the Prairie’? If you’re not old enough, Google it. It’s right up there with ‘The Waltons’ as the classic clean-cut wholesome family unit. Now I don’t know about you but our house doesn’t resonate with a cheery ‘Night Jim-Bob’ at light’s out. And try as we might, we hardly ever manage to sit down around a huge table, slicing into generous helpings of hearty home-made pumpkin pie and the ideal of brilliant parenting.

The real world kind of gets in the way of brilliant parenting.

That said, there are wellbeing lessons (very simple ones) that we can steal from the science of Positive Psychology. We wrote them in our child-friendly ‘Brill Kid: The Big Number 2’ (published by Capstone, October 2021), but here’s the adult version.

Introducing the 4 minute rule

First the bad news. Life is exhausting. Life with children, quadrupally so! Emotions are contagious so I think it’s fair to say, ‘You’re only as happy as your least happy child.’ But you can implement strategies that will enable your family to function brilliantly, most of the time.

The four-minute rule is the smallest change that can have the biggest impact and brilliant parenting hack. If you can be your best self (genuinely positive, upbeat, smiley, interested, and present) for four minutes, other people will ‘catch’ your emotions. For example, the first four minutes of coming home from work… breeze through the door, oozing positivity, smiles and energy – and maintain it for four minutes. The concept of ‘para-sympathetic arousal’ means your family will catch your emotions. Instead of asking ‘How was your day?’ why not twist it to ‘What was the highlight of your day?’

It’s not a guarantee, but it massively improves the odds of getting them to share something good, the conversation veers towards positivity and the household is vibrant and chatty. Note, most families do the exact opposite. They fall through the door grumbling about the traffic, weather, school, work, whatever… and the family atmosphere becomes toxic.

A word on chores

Here’s another brilliant parenting pearler, this time from Dan Pink. He says you shouldn’t pay your kids to do chores and on no account should you bribe them with cash for exam results. According to Dan, it’s a slippery slope that kills their work ethic and love of learning. Let’s examine the sub-text of your well-meaning GCSE ‘payment by results’ system, carefully devised in consultation with your year teenager. What you are effectively saying is, ‘I understand that studying is a horrible thing to do. And I appreciate that you will only do it for money.’

Bang goes their love of learning. You are teaching them (albeit innocently and subconsciously) that learning is a chore.

Kim Cameron’s superb book on ‘Positive Leadership’ has so much cross-over with parenting. He uses some big words, like ‘affirmative bias’ and ‘heliotropic effect’ but, at its heart, his principles are total genius. Put simply, an affirmative bias is an orientation towards your child’s strengths rather than their weaknesses, optimism rather than pessimism and support rather than criticism.

And the heliotropic effect is ‘the tendency of all living things to grow towards that which gives life and away from that which depletes life.’ In short, all living things have an inclination towards positivity. Plants lean towards the light. Kids lean towards encouragement. I’m struggling to find anything that I can say that is simpler or more enlightening than this?

Do as I do, not as I say

Oh, and one last thing. If you’re a new parent, I’d better warn you of what the established parents

321 already know – your kids won’t do what you say!

But they absolutely will do what you do!

So, can I leave you with a very big thought? When you’re thinking of passing down your inheritance, be sure to remember that it’s not just a lump of cash and a bit of jewellery. You are passing down habits, knowledge, mind-sets and cognitive traits. Your positivity can set your child up for life!

-ends-

About the author:

DR ANDY COPE is co-author, with Gavin Oattes and Will Hussey, of Brill Kid: The Big Number 2 (published by Capstone, October 2021).

He is a qualified teacher, best-selling author, happiness expert and recovering academic.  His PhD was 12 years in the making and while he appreciates that his ‘Dr of Happiness’ label is terribly cheesy it does afford him an important media platform. In times of rising depression and an epidemic of anxiety, Andy believes there has never been a more appropriate time to raise the wellbeing agenda.

He is a sought-after keynote speaker and authority on employee engagement, wellbeing and human flourishing, and is lucky enough to work with some very large businesses. He has recently tailored his workshops to meet the needs of children and teachers – now delivering to audiences from age 8 upwards!

He is also a best-selling children’s author. His ‘Spy Dog’ series has sold in excess of a million copies worldwide (he bigs himself up by telling everyone he is world famous, if you’re 7).

For more information visit www.artofbrilliance.co.uk and follow Andy on Twitter @beingbrilliant.

People photo created by bristekjegor – www.freepik.com

10 comments

  1. Little House on the Prarie was just on TV last weekend! Oh the memories… simpler time, great life lessons.

  2. These are great tips for all the parents out there. I think I need to watch the Little House on the Prarie with my kids. Thank you!

  3. These are what parents need. I think its important to teach our kids with our actions and not only words because we all know they dont listen to what we say. They do what we do!

  4. Such a great advice for for new parents and a great reminder for all. I love about what you said about passing inheritance. We don`t just pass money, its more important to pass them knowledge, values and traits.

  5. I agree we are our children’s biggest influence. If we do what we say, they will follow suit. If We are not doing what we say, they will follow suit with that too.

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