Inside the head of a toddler: 12 things I love to hate

Young boy having a fit of anger portrait

Listen up mum! And dad for what matter…you total fools! Why can’t you understand my annoying toddler behaviour? I am getting sick and tired of all this dumb ass stuff you keep imposing on me and my toddler lifestyle. Seriously, there’s some majorly freaky stuff getting into my space and that’s just NOT cool.

So listen, and listen carefully unless you want to stay in the living hell that is mummy and daddy boot camp for, like, ever. These are things I absolutely detest and it is now YOUR responsibility to make sure you eradicate them, one by one, from my life unless you want a big hot toddler volcano mess exploding right in front of your eyes every time one of these hateful things cross my path…Don’t mean to be a hater or nuttin’…but, well actually, I do.

  1. Playdates

Seriously, could there be anything more annoying? Some kid who I’ve met, like, maybe once comes in to MY house and gets into all MY toys and I’m supposed to sit there and just be happy about it? How would you like it if some person who you only met once came in and started trying on all your clothes? Enough said.

  1. The beach

What is it with you and beaches? Don’t you get that I just DON’T LIKE them? All that crazy wind whipping around my face, that scary infinite mass of howling water that I could drown in just like that…are you insane?

  1. The supermarket

How can you bring me into a place that has so many things I want to touch and pick up and then not let me touch and pick them up?? Could there be anything crueler? No – that’s right, it’s too cruel for words!

  1. The car wash

Possibly the scariest of all monsters – how do I know that all that soapy water isn’t going to come through the window and get in my eyes like in the bath? And then there’s all that crazy whirling hairy shit that looks like it’s about to come and sweep me away. TOO SCARY MAN.

  1. The car seat

I don’t care if we’re going somewhere exciting. You might as well put me in a straightjacket for an hour and be done with it.

  1. Wind up toys

Creepy creepy creepy! I don’t care if it’s some cutesy little caterpillar or ladybird or whatever this freaky excuse for a toy disguises itself – that noise is like spiders crawling over my soul.

  1. Shadows

Er big black moving things? Everywhere? Are you nuts? How can you let these things into our house and be ok with it? I don’t care if everyone has one. I’m done with them.

  1. Robots

Robots are some special kind of spooky shit. I mean, what would happen if the world was ruled by robots, they would all try to come into my room and get into my bed at night. I’m crapping my nappies just thinking about that!

  1. Hats

Hats. Really? Come on you know I have hated these ever since the day I popped out. Stuffing up your hairdo for one, and then making your head unbelievably hot. That shit is just unnatural!

10. The blender

Seriously, have you seen the way that blade rotates like it could just cut your head off? And that noise? It’s like it’s trying to grind my very bones.

  1. Hand dryers

As if going into a public toilet is not enough with all these weird types of people here there and everywhere, just when I’m starting to feel like I’m getting a bit relaxed WHOOOOOOOOOOSH! Off goes that damn handryer like it’s trying to sweep me away to the moon. This ain’t no rocket ship. Oh no.

  1. Duplo

Whose cruel invention was this anyway? It’s like the curse of toddlerdom – all these cute looking bricks everywhere which I just can not get away from and I’m supposed to fit them together like I’ve got some magic dexterity whilst the truth is I might as well have sausages for fingers. You cruel bastards.

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Mami 2 Five

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  1. my daughter hates the automatic flushing toilets at the store. In her defense, they are pretty loud, but she hits the ceiling every time they go off. Never gets old

  2. Haha – love it! My toddler has just discovered the evil of shadows – not happy! She also agrees that shops where she wants to touch everything and can’t is cruel! #sharewithme

  3. My son hates the sound of hairdryers, planes and the hoover. I blame the last one on his dad as he switched one on right next to him when he was only a few days old. He screamed the place down and I reckon has never got over it. It makes cleaning the place up a nightmare. I am interested by the car wash one though……might give that a go soon to see how he reacts just for my own amusement!

  4. Haha! I’m with you on the playdates and the hand-dryers! But I’m lucky that Tyler LOVES going to Tesco, he’s a bit of a shopaholic 😛 #sharewithme Sabrina xx

  5. Lucas says – Being 6 I can honestly say you’ve hit the nail on the head here lil’ dude. They never learn, do they? Hand dryers – that is some scary stuff but it gets better, I promise. Hand in there 🙂 #wineandboobs

  6. Awe, this is so funny! My toddler is afraid of coyotes…granted she’s never met or seen one, but she’ll tell you that coyotes scare her!

  7. Haha, that’s hilarious. We can add hair washing, nappy changing and tooth brushing to the list. You know, all those activities that you have to do every day…

  8. Haha, my kids actually love most of the stuff on the list except hats – my youngest hates hats! Heaven forbit I try to put one on his head! Visiting from #TheList

  9. Hah what is it about hats and kids!! My son will bregudgingly wear a hat now (hes almost 3) but only if its on back to front! #sundaystars

  10. Yes hand dryers do appear to be the devil to toddlers, although Baby loves hats! Thanks so much for linking up to #TheList x

  11. So funny! One of the things about having very early talkers is that they could tell me exactly what they didn’t like as toddlers, and why. Even to this day, my 9-year-old M tells me that she is scared of, to be precise, full body costumes with a headpiece that hides the face specifically when she does not know who the person inside it is. And there we have it!

    Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday!

    • I find it incredible some of the things that early talkers come out with – me daughter is in overdrive at the moment and I just can’t believe some of the things coming out of her mouth just hilarious, but I have to admit, I’m loving the communication. Thanks as always for hosting x

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