Mind my lady bits! The 10 worst names for a vagina…

close up of a woman body with flower on her pubes

You may have seen on the internet grapevine recently that a lovely new term for vagina  is making some waves at the moment –  “snippa” (read more on Netmums). We have the lovely Swedes to thank for this newly adopted word for our cherished vaginas which has been catching on amongst certain folk. I can’t say I am a massive fan (although some seem to think it’s adorable, apparently), although I do rather like their word for a willy – “snopp” (not to be confused with Snoopy).

Anyway, it got me thinking…as far as I’m concerned, the vagina has had to suffer some of the most ridiculous and down right horrid names in its poor existence as part of human kind. And so here for your amusement, are my top 10 worst names for the sacred vagina…surely they should be more sacred than this?

1. Cat flaps – If you think entering into a vagina is like going through a cat flap, well then…probably best stay out in the first place!

2. Beef curtains – Meaty upholstery? I don’t think so. They’re not yours to open anyway.

3. Axe Wound – Last time I checked that was not how the vagina was created. This ain’t no horror movie!

4. C*%T – Wrong. Plain wrong. That is all.

5. Vag – Imagine Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses saying this and then you’ll understand why I hate this term so much.

6. Bearded Oyster – Enough to put anyone off the sea’s favourite aphrodisiac for life. Doing it with a hairy mollusc? Ewwww….

7. Minge – The minge is cringe. Enough said.

8. Gash – The urban dictionary sums this one up perfectly – “I just blasted a load in your mom’s gash”. *Shudder*

9. Panty Hamster – Last time I looked, I didn’t have a pet rodent residing in my knickers, thank you very much. Don’t know about you.

10. Hairy goblet – Harry Potter meets pubic hair. Not in the slightest bit sexual or flattering.

Why couldn’t we just stick with the far less offensive fanny, vajayay or …or even the ridiculously romantic honeysuckle? Why does our part which many consider to be sacred, valuable and quite frankly, a secret weapon, get all the SHIT words attributed to it. I think it’s time for a rethink here.

Which of the above do you think is the worst name for a vagina? Are there that you hate which I haven’t listed above? Do share….

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My Random Musings


  1. For some reason cat flaps makes me wince. Maybe because I have a cat… I have a soft spot for minge, it just makes me giggle. I kinda hate that everyone hates the C word and that essentially a vagina is the worst thing you can call someone. I think it’s a misogynist conspiracy. Since I realise I’m in a minority, I don’t throw it around.

  2. I don’t think it was so much the names themselves, but your humorous commentary that left tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks. Thank you for that. All the names are quite awful, the “C” word being the worst. One that I can think of that wasn’t on your list that I have heard before and makes me cringe is…


    This is so not a pretty reference to the lady parts….

  3. Hahaha! After my little boy referred to mine as a monkey I asked what people said.

    The hilarity that ensued after a bottleof wine one of the guys I went to school with polled the women in his living room (mum and best friends) and Google. And came back with ham wallet. I spat the wine… x

  4. Oh dear God! Imagine trying to describe thrush to your doctor with some of THOSE names! Our “family friendly” version is Bits, but it’s not uncommon to hear “they’re riding right up my mary” or “she popped ping pong balls out of her whatname” (this refers to a holiday we’d rather forget, not me obv). #anythinggoes

  5. I prefer “cookie”. It’s sweet, sounds like a treat. And you can say cookie in public and no one is going to assume you are talking about anything other than a baked good.

    Some of those names cracked me up though. #anythinggoes

  6. I think c**t and beef curtains are the worst! I don’t really mind vaj, or at least I didn’t until I now picture Del Boy saying it lol 🙂
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes

  7. There are some really awful names out there. As a child I called it a Doodee. My favourite though, was my Gran called it her Rose, and when it was her time of the month, her Rose was “shedding petals”

  8. Our toddler knows that Mama has a vagina and daddy has a Penis. Some seem horrified that he uses those words, but I think it’s way better than winky and flower, or pee per stick and twinkle or whatever other words people come up with!

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