I hadn’t planned potty training. In fact I hadn’t even read one thing about it. My 2 year old seemed to be ready, the sun was shining and bang! Something clicked in my head and I whipped the nappies off and simply said – “You need to wee or poo, do it in the potty”. And miraculously the little munchkin only blimmin’ went and did it time and time again, and seemed to be loving every minute of it.
So there is probably something to be said for not over thinking potty training given this…however…jumping right in without so much as a peek at what other mums have said on forums has left me slightly agog at certain discoveries of the nightmare of potty training which manifested in the first 24 hours. Namely…
1. Woah there! How many wees???!
In the first 24 hours it felt like my toddler had the smallest bladder in the universe – she must have weed 10 times in the morning and 10 times in the afternoon (not counting accidents). Was she just anxious to get it all in the potty? Was it all just a game? Do they really need to wee that many times during the day??? you start fretting as you envisage being a potty slave for the foreseeable. Should you just glue the potty to their behind and be done with it??!
2. You will develop a deep seated fear of being weed on
Please don’t wee on me! seemed to play on silent repeat in my head throughout the first day. And so was born the obsessive compulsive Please Don’t Wee on Me Disorder (PDWMD).
3. Just because they have just weed on the potty doesn’t mean you won’t have a wee accident
Score! They’ve weed in the potty…you go away to clean the potty feeling all smug, and then you come back to a puddle. Seriously, WTF?!!! Not so smug now eh mama?
4. The potty will become your third arm
Coming to a toddler mamma near you soon – an unhealthy attachment to the potty. For the first 24 hours, namely because no. 1, the potty feels like some kind of lost puppy following you around. You seem to spend your entire day carrying the potty from here to there, and then back again, all on fast forward like in a comedy Benny Hill sketch (cue farcical music in the background) just to make sure it is within instant-need-to-wee reach. Might as as well buy it a bloody collar and leash and take it for walkies!
5. You will be on a constant relay race between potty and emptying potty
As a result of number 4, number 5 is unavoidable. Wee, empty, put back, wee empty, put back, wee empty, put back, big poo, empty…etc etc. Screw regular High Intensity workouts…this is the High Intensity Potty workout! WANTED: Potty chauffeur.
6. The poos can be ginormous (as big as yours!)
The first crap my 2 year old did in the potty my eyes almost popped out of their sockets – HOLY SHIT!!! (excuse the pun) it was massive. As big as mine, easily. I was so agog I took a picture of it. Should I share it here? Probably not unless you want to puke all over your screen. Your mind boggles at the thought that that has been what they have been collecting in their nappy day in day out. No wonder toddlers can be such assholes.
7. The beauty of not having to wipe a shit encrusted bum
Wow I really thought I had died and gone to heaven with this one. A feeling too beautiful to put into words. I am still blissing out from it as I write this post. Angels singing etc etc.
8. A poo flicking technique is required
Clearly nobody wants to spend an age cleaning shit of a potty, so you will need to hone a potty flicking technique to get that steaming pile of turd into the toilet and out of your sight in one fell swoop. Mess it up and you’ll pay the price, believe. Soon the elation of no.7 fades away with each poo as you are confronted with smudgey potty nastiness, out there in the open, mocking you, instead of all squished up in a nappy.
9. You will go through knickers like a chain smoker goes through fags
On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. That is all.
10. Just because they wee or poo in the potty naked, it ain’t the same when the pants are on
And hence the reason for number 9. They might have the potty stuff locked down when in the nud but get the pants on and uh oh…it’s a whole world of confusion out there. Nappies? Pants? What’s the difference? Can’t I just pee in them both? Nooooooooooo!
Thank goodness then, that some of these WTF moments, like the crazy number of pees and thus insane Benny Hill running around calm down after the first 24 hours. PHEW! I’m knackered. And already missing those nappies.
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