It is a wonder that parents, being the exhausted, time-frazzled, uptight, rather un-sensual, snot-stained parenthood beings we become EVER have sex. But miraculously, we DO manage to do it…ok even if it is once a month. Or less. But actually, when you analyse it, you do realise that your odds of having sex in parenthood are actually a little bit more perky than you originally thought, with 10 different reasons or opportunities for having a bit of parenthood nook. Let me break them down for you here:
1. The naptime quickie
You’ve just put them down for a nap, you should be doing a bajillion other things, but your nether regions are twitching. You wonder if you’ll get away with it, will they wake up before you’ve finished the deed?…this is YOLO (you only live once) at its finest as a parent.
2. The pure desperation any time will do nooky
You feel like two born again virgins..it’s been an age, something has got to give before you join a nunnery. There is no other way forward at this moment.
3. The let’s put dinner on hold frisson
Come on, wait until after dinner? When you’re going to feel as bloated as a beached whale and about as sexy as one too? Seriously, there are times when food can wait, and this is one of them.
4. The quick! they haven’t woken up yet bumble
Bloody hell, it’s 6.30am and they have not woken up insanely early for once! Do we dare? Do we dare? Will we finish? Anything is better than nothing though…right?
5. The should we? we’re staying with the grandparents secret session
Sorry if the olds are reading this but you know, that’s how we came into this world, as did our kids.
6. The it’s a date night hook up
It’s date night, the pressure is on. This could be your only chance. MAKE. IT. HAPPEN.
7. The it was just supposed to be a cuddle fadoodle
You utter the words “I’m so tired, can we just have a little lie down and cuddle?”, next thing you know, your bodies are doing the talking and you’re urm….not so tired anymore.
8. The middle of the night fornication
Do any parents ever do this, like, ever?
9. The holiday home run
You’re on holiday, the warm air and free n’ easy vibe prevailing (ok, as good as it’s going to get for a parent), and seeing as it’s as close to any form of holiday romancing you’re going to get these days, it would be rude not to.
10. The we need to make another baby copulation
Sexy as, don’t forget to do the crab afterwards!
Looks like things on the sex stakes are not as dismal as we thought…Or are they? Speak now or forever hold your peace…
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Im sniggering as I read this as its reminded me of several conversations ive had with friends on this subject.
Wait till they get to teenage years, you would think it would all get easier, but ohhh no!!
#Fartglitter
Great summary! I do the eating half a toblerone and falling asleep in front of The Apprentice kind. #fartglitter
We do a lot of Living Room Lovin’ because I know as soon as we go upstairs and get in bed I’ll be asleep before she even gets in the room
Haha Living Room Lovin….love it! Yup bed = game over.
Ha ha…you crack me up Talya! Love this post…think us parents have to be grateful for ANY type 😉 x #fartglitter
Haha! Middle or the night? You’re joking, right? We don’t even waste evenings on sex so we can bag a few extra minutes or hours of sleep.
Thanks for linking up to #fartglitter x
Yeah…middle of the night…in your dreams is the only way ha! x
[…] The sex files: The 10 different types of sex parents have – proving to folk all across the nation that we can still keep the fire alive (aherm!). […]
God I wish, I’ve forgotten what a fumble is. We go to bed at different times and get up at different times. The only one we manage is the holiday home run and this holiday we’re staying with my parents, aarrrhhhh!
very cool and very realistic blog post, made me giggle as yes I can relate to a few of those! #coolmumclub
Love this lol! So true – especially no. 4! #coolmumclub
Brilliant. Very funny and true. We have early nights in this house. Wink Wink! #coolmumsclub
Hahahaha! Love this! Definitely reminds me of convos I’ve had with some of my friends around the topic!! #coolmumclub x
This is so funny… and sadly, so true!!! 🙂 Surprising really that anyone manages to have more than one child! #coolmumclub
Oh gawd it’s just so exhausting!! Gone are the days when you could take your time, right, and have a giant nap afterwards…Amen for the iPad is all I can say…. #coolmumclub
Ohh yes I’m familiar with some of these! #coolmumclub
Bahahaha – Talya you are hysterical. But also this is amazingly and disturbingly accurate. It’s not so dire, you just have to get creative! #coolmumclub
Hysterically disturbing then? x
Haha you loon. Always 4 alas – they are too big now and prone to barging in. We have a code if we ever do a sneaky one called “we are just going to move some furniture” haha x #coolmumclub
I love the fact you just called me a loon! xx
LOL! That’s too funny! I remember several of these when I was married and I remember how many times my kids would interrupt us, then the mood was over for another month. Haha!
Haha this made me laugh! All the scheduling is exhausting! 😉 #coolmumclub
Love this post – cracked me up! Oh what I’ve got in store for me :-))) xxx #coolmumclub
Sheer brilliance – and incredibly true! I’m convinced that the baby monitor has a secret reverse function, which actually alerts the tots the second anything remotely jiggy could be about to occur… Thanks for the giggle (and snigger). Dawn x #coolmumclub
Pfffft… Middle of the night?! My husband would think I had done something very wrong to offer that kinda thing up 🙂 Hilarious. Brilliant post xx
#CoolMumsClub
Sex? Do parents have sex? You’re kidding right?! Bed is for sleeping. And teenagers keep such late hours!
Brilliant! so funny and yet so true… I can totally relate to some of it.. lol #coolmumclub
Back again for some #coolmumclub action. The only action I’m going to be getting tonight!
Hahaha! Love it! After number one baby, ours was mainly 10’s. Now lucky to fit in the odd 4 if we’re feeling particularly refreshed…! Oh proper sex life, how I miss you…!
#coolmumclub
Haha, like so many of your others, this post is hilarious. Number 10 had me laughing..do the crab?!xx #coolmumclub
So not showing this to Mr Lighty…he doesn’t need any further ideas, ha!! Thanks for hosting the #coolmumclub 🙂
Haha, I definitely need to be joining a nunnery soon I think! The ‘middle of the night fornication’ – I’m not sure I even did this before children! Enjoy my sleep far too much. Always, always get caught out with the ‘quick they haven’t woken up yet’ and the ‘nap time quickie’ seems to always end up being a super super quicky/she’s awake! – I swear they just know!!! Great post made me chuckle a lot! 🙂 #coolmumclub xx
Ahhhh but sometimes your bodies do the talking in your sleep…until you are royally effed by sleep deprivation haha!
Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for your comments on this post – I couldn’t keep up with replying individually after #coolmumclub so I am being a bit lame and saying a bit thank you for the love here and so happy this post tickled so many of you! x
So funny! But what is this sex thing you speak of …?!
Sex? No I think you misheard…I said Tex Mex hahah!
I’m not with the father of my child anymore but I do have a new partner, well he’s not really new but you get the idea, and he’s adjusted very very well to me having a child and the sex, well, lack there of sometimes. These are very on point. Number 2 and 4…. All the time in my household. Great post! Very honest. #coolmumclub
Thelifeofaglasgowgirl.co.uk
Haha this is great! Becoming parents does limit us doesn’t it, especially with the sleep deprivation! #coolmumclub xx
Haha just a little bit eh? x
Hahaha love this post. I heart sex (hence the baby) but it has been a struggle doing anything since his birth a few weeks ago. The naptime quickie happened and he woke up in the middle, he doesn’t know what he’s looking at anyway right?! I predict the grandparents house may happen too!
This is so funny and a bit depressing at the same time lol. All I can say is Thank God For Sunday Mornings. #NoLinkyJustSpontaneouslyPoppedOver
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