Today, I want to dive into a topic that’s been on my mind a lot lately as we seem to be hurtling towards the teenage years here – the adolescent brain and emotions. It’s a known fact that in teen years your sweet, loving child suddenly transforms into a moody, rollercoaster-riding teenager. This is why today I have some incredible insights to share on this very topic from Dr. Beth Mosley’s new book “Happy Families.”
As our children hit those adolescent years, it’s like they’re on a wild emotional journey with no roadmap. One moment, they’re laughing with us over a funny video on TikTok, and the next, they’re locked in their room, listening to music that sounds like alien messages sent to Earth. We were all teenagers once and as I was probably one of the worst I know exactly how this goes. But, when you’re on the receiving end, it’s enough to make any parent scratch their head in bewilderment.
But what’s really happening inside the developing adolescent brain? How do these changes in their neural wiring impact the way they experience and express their emotions? Well, that’s precisely what we’re going to explore as we delve into an extract from Dr. Beth Mosley’s book, where she breaks down adolescence as a time of both risk and opportunity.
So, grab a cuppa, find a cozy spot, and get ready to uncover the secrets of the adolescent brain and emotions as we embark on this fascinating journey together. It’s time to decode the enigma that is adolescence!
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The push and pull of adolescence
I have two teenagers who are totally preoccupied with peer relationships, especially my daughter. Having been the fountain of all knowledge a few years ago, I’m now relegated to the position of knowing nothing useful in my family. Instead, my teenagers or their friends seem to know everything about anything relevant. I remember the moments when my son no longer wanted to hold my hand and my daughter wanted to walk home with her friends rather than me, when I recognized my children’s bodies had changed into those of adults and that sex was something they were capable of and likely to be interested in. As parents, these moments can feel bittersweet. On the one hand, we’re grateful our children are making friends and growing towards maturity; on the other, it’s painful as our bond with, and importance to them, has changed. It can feel rejecting, especially when they seem to lose interest in us, or change cherished plans in favour of doing something with friends – often with no apparent regard for our feelings.
Our children’s relationships grow and become more complex during the adolescent years, which, in theory, we hope will allow them to build a network of supportive relationships. If things are going well with our adolescent, our relationship with them has the potential to become more influential. We can provide a safe base for them to explore their expanding and increasingly complicated world until they’ve learned enough to gain independence. We hope our strong foundation of unconditional love will enable us to remain a reliable relationship for them to turn to throughout their lives in an often demanding and unforgiving world.
That is the hope, at least. The reality is that our relationship with our teenager is likely to be tested and the way they behave and communicate during this period can lead to frustration and relationship breakdown. The preoccupation with ‘self’ and distancing from family may leave us looking at a person we don’t recognize. Frustratingly, when they’re able to make their own decisions for their future, they may disregard our wisdom as parents. Instead, they may lean towards other influences that hold a magic we no longer seem to possess, like friends and social media/the online world.
Peer relationships
The transition from parental to peer influence is biologically driven and exceptionally powerful. The drive for social engagement is integral to the success of our teenagers going into adulthood. Being part of a community and maintaining social connection is a vital part of human evolution. There is safety in numbers (you’re much less likely to be eaten by a lion if you’re among the herd). Our teenagers need to work with their peers (learn pro-social behaviours) to establish themselves in their changing world. Doing this enables them to develop new social and relational skills and supportive relationships outside of the family home, which helps adolescents move towards establishing their own identities and tribes and becoming responsible.
This drive not only influences how and who our adolescents want to spend time with, but also influences how sensitive they are to social exclusion – for some, this can feel like a matter of life and death (as it would to a gazelle isolated from the herd and more likely to be targeted by a predator).
As parents we might feel surprised by how distressed our child is when they perceive they’ve been or could be excluded from their friends. What might seem like a minor disagreement with a friend or an unhealthy obsession with having the most on-trend brand of trainers or phone can lead us to discount or invalidate their feelings, which can unintentionally reinforce the distress. In the following section, we will explore some of the brain science behind these strong emotions, and look at how to encourage the healthy development of peer relationships while building our child’s resilience to events which may cause them distress, but before we do, take a look at how relationships influence mental health below.
The adolescent brain: Fact box
The drive to be part of a social group means the impact of bullying, being discriminated against or having a sense of being different from peers (particularly relevant for young people who may identify as LGBTQIA+ or are neurodiverse) can create distress in adolescents and have a negative impact on their wellbeing.
Young people who want to spend time developing relationships might be unable to. Whether because of struggles with anxiety and low mood, difficulty making friends or having a limited number of peers they identify with, these challenges can exacerbate feelings of isolation during adolescence. Their way of coping may be to further withdraw from peers and adults which can often amplify anxiety and low mood, reduce opportunities to build social skills and supportive relationships and increase the likelihood of this continuing into adulthood. It’s imperative that young people struggling in this way get the right support (which we covered in Part 3 and 4) to help them feel a sense of belonging and connection with adults and peers, which will relieve the difficulties with anxiety, low mood and social isolation.
The adolescent brain
Dr Dan Siegel describes adolescence as the ‘period of life with the most power for courage and creativity’.70 This is when our children’s brains are flexible, adaptive and working in a way that encourages them to try new things (take risks) and feel emotions more intensely. These changes bring advantages and disadvantages to our adolescents and the adults who care about them. Understanding them helps us make sense of some of the behaviours we see in our teenagers and guides us toward encouraging the positives and protecting against the negatives.
In Chapter 4, we explored the brain house as a useful way of understanding brain development. Neuroscience tells us that different parts of our brain develop at different rates. As illustrated on page 96, the downstairs (emotional) part of our brain is almost fully developed at birth. This is the part of the brain primarily responsible for our safety. It activates the fight-flight response and is driven by emotions. The upstairs (thinking) part of the brain is the control tower of the brain that helps plan, organize, make decisions, control our impulses, communicate through language and be able to think about what might be happening in other people’s minds.
During the adolescent years, the downstairs (emotional) brain, which is linked to pleasure, excitement and reward, is highly sensitive and easily activated by taking risks, while the upstairs (thinking) brain matures at a slower rate, until around the age of twenty-four. These changes in the brain mean that teenagers are likely to feel emotions more intensely, make more impulsive decisions, and chase after rewarding and exciting activities even if they’re risky. We may be surprised by our adolescents’ capacity to discuss complex topics and vast world knowledge, compared with their irrational and impulsive decision-making. As parents, it can be frustrating and conflict with our hope for their capacity to maturely manage emotions and make decisions, as well as the general expectation that they should be given more responsibility and independence. For adolescents, it can also be frustrating as, despite their best intentions, they might still make mistakes and not live up to their own or others’ expectations.
The adolescent brain is, however, ripe for learning and refining the development of skills (which is why adolescents are typically so good at learning languages, new sports, developing musical talent). This is because the upstairs brain undergoes a dramatic fine-tuning during the adolescent phase (with synaptic pruning and myelination). In non-expert terms, this means ‘use it or lose it’. If an adolescent regularly uses a particular knowledge or skill, the neural pathways for this will grow stronger. If they don’t, the pathways will not be formed, meaning how our adolescents spend their time is particularly important in developing the aptitudes and habits they will take into adulthood. These processes encourage the development of integration in our adolescents’ brains so the more opportunities a young person has to connect the upstairs and downstairs brain, the stronger the connections will grow – helping them balance thinking and feeling and giving us a greater chance to influence this through our support.
Emotions and decision-making
During adolescence, not only are our children motivated to spend more time with their peers, they’re also more likely to be influenced by their emotions than rational thinking. This emotional intensity and desire to feel good drives young people to try new things, meet new people and ultimately powers their ability to explore, invest in the world and live an independent life. This brings many positives, including the energy, passion and vitality we might associate with youth.
The difficulty lies in the intensity of emotions, how they can change rapidly and take over the course of the day and leave those around them confused by these unexplainable mood swings. Emotions linked to relationships and friendships can be extreme (whether that is falling in love or falling out), which can result in impulse-driven actions. Adolescents are more prone to making decisions based on emotions (their downstairs brain), rather than logic and reasoning (their upstairs brain).
Doing novel things
Adolescents experience a much higher level of reward activation during novel and/or risky activities than either adults or children. This is because reward circuits in the brain create a drive towards new experiences by releasing high levels of dopamine – the feel-good neurochemical – when experiencing activities that involve risk, danger or pushing the boundaries. Feeling a bigger thrill when doing risky things encourages more risk-taking behaviours. On one hand, this is positive because it creates an inner motivation to try new things, encouraging independence. The downside of this is adolescents will be more likely to make decisions which bring about thrill or excitement, while downplaying the potential risks. This means they may seek immediate gratification without considering the longer-term consequences, putting them at higher risk of experimenting with substances like alcohol, nicotine and drugs (see the Fact Box below).
Although adolescents are more likely to take risks, they will avoid social risk more than any other risk (this is because of their need to be part of a peer group). This affects the decisions they make (e.g., taking the risk of joining in with drinking at a party over the risk of feeling ill the next day or getting into trouble with a parent). Research shows that adolescents are influenced more by other adolescents than by adults, which means that even if our children trust and rely on us, they may still be more influenced by what their friend wants them to do than what we want them to do. The downside of this is, if adolescents are surrounded by other adolescents (particularly those who have a negative influence) and do not have access to, or exclude, trusted adults, they may take part in more risky activities and make choices driven by peer opinion, which can have a detrimental influence on their lives.
This poses a dilemma for us as parents. We know successful peer relationships are key to our child’s transition to adulthood.
However, if our children are likely to be disproportionately influenced by other adolescents (who are prone to taking risks and making impulsive decisions), where does that leave our role as parents? Do we step back and let them get on with it? Do we take control and restrict their access to friends? In Hold On to Your Kids, Dr Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld explain that the best way parents can protect their adolescents as they transition to adulthood is by improving their connection and relationships with them. In this final section, we will look at how we do this effectively.
The Adolescent Brain: Fact box
Studies show adolescents are more susceptible to alcohol and drug addiction than adults for a number of reasons. Firstly, they’re more likely to be attracted to the novelty of experimenting with these substances, especially if their friends are doing this (adolescents will drink more alcohol with other adolescents than if they’re on their own).
Secondly, their brains are more sensitive to the initial feel-good effect of alcohol/drugs, which in the moment lower inhibitions, give a sense of euphoria and relief from worries. This means young people exposed to higher levels of stress or adversity may be more vulnerable to using alcohol/drugs as a quick escape from their emotional difficulties. Thirdly, as their brains are still developing, regular use of alcohol/drugs can change the brain’s reward circuitry, making them more dependent on these substances to feel a normal level of things being good, increasing their propensity for addiction both in adolescence and adulthood. Nicotine is a stimulant drug; e-cigarette use is increasing in teenagers, creating concerns around the ease of access for teenagers and the potential impact on their health and addiction.73 Alcohol and drug use increase the likelihood of risk-taking behaviours and puts adolescents at increased risk of harm, so educating our teens and providing appropriate boundaries can help them to make better decisions and be less likely to engage in risky behaviours. When our teen is in trouble, having pre-agreed with them that if they’re in a difficult situation they can seek help from us without fearing consequences can be helpful.
