Mum rage is real – here’s how to deal with it

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It’s a dirty secret we mums like to keep the lid on. But the reality is most of us mums will know exactly what is meant by mum rage, and will be personally familiar with it.

It comes at the point when the straw break’s the donkey’s back. When we simply just can’t take the demands of motherhood and life anymore. When we feel utterly harassed and exhausted and sick of being a workhorse. And then suddenly – BOOM! Suddenly we can’t restrain ourselves anymore and we erupt like a volcano, all those big feelings of frustration, resentment, exasperation, and anger that blow up and fire out from feeling alone, unheard, unsupported because we have finally had enough.

The thing is, when you experience mum rage and totally lose it – as I have done many a time especially in early motherhood – it can be frightening and shameful. Us mums are supposed to be patient martyrs aren’t we? And goodness knows we’ve never experienced such rage before motherhood. So what gives?

Here, Cristalle Hayes author of the new book – Angry Mother, Assertive Mother, which helps mothers to navigate the explosive yet very normal, and often unspoken, feelings of rage – shares her insights on mum rage as well as her tips for dealing with it.

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Mum rage is real. Many mothers can relate to that moment, that feeling when it all gets too much, you tense up and snap. You shout at your child and then regret it, or you throw a pair of shoes across the room and then snap back into a realisation that your reaction has made your child feel unsafe. You didn’t mean to lose control at that moment, and you didn’t like your reaction, so you spent the rest of the day in a spiral of guilt and shame. Being rageful and out of control as a mum is not what mums want to do. Mums want to be calm and robust despite the many challenges of motherhood, but this isn’t always possible. So how can mums deal with mum rage? 

These are some tips I have picked up through my experience of being a mum and psychotherapist. 

Know your triggers

Reflecting on your anger can give you beneficial information that you can use in future situations. Reflection can create awareness around your anger triggers. Ask yourself the following questions. What is going on for you when you lose your temper. What time of day is it? What are you feeling in your body? What situation makes you the angriest? Is it mealtimes, bedtimes or the school run? Is it when there is too much mess and noise? Or when nobody is listening and responding to you? 

mum rage
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Prioritise your needs

Often anger is about an unmet need, burnout or stress. What do you need more of or even less of, and how can you meet that need? Are you able to get more support or carve out some me-time? Do you need more time away from the overstimulation of parenting? Do you need to set firmer boundaries with your children? Or do you need to ask your partner to help you more? 

What are your expectations in the moments when you lose your cool?

Often, we get angry when our expectations are too high. We can expect a lot from ourselves and our children and often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves and a situation. My dad always said to me when I panicked; you’re not catching a flight. This statement took the urgency out of the situation. Think about the last time you lost your cool. What expectations were you placing on the situation? 

Setting boundaries

Boundaries are there to keep our inner peace. We become more vulnerable to anger outbursts when our boundaries need strengthening. Being transparent and consistent with your boundaries may help. Make it clear what your limits are. Be confident in what you will accept and not accept. State your boundaries when you feel calm, and do not wait until you are in a rage. Notice when you start to feel overwhelmed and set an internal boundary for when something feels too much. For example, have a plan for this, step away from the situation to self-soothe and reground yourself and then return to your child. 

Time to self-soothe

If you need to step away and self-soothe, you can do this by taking a few deep breaths; this automatically calms down the nervous system.

Notice what you are feeling in your body. Ask yourself why has this moment become so heightened and intense. Speak to yourself as you would a child, calmly and with compassion. Remind yourself that this stuff is hard. 

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Diffuse the anger

When emotions get heightened, everyone is tired, and you desperately need a break, we can easily slip into a power dynamic with children. It would help if you did something to diffuse the situation. Stop and do something silly. Say a silly word that makes them giggle. Put on silly music and dance. Stop and play a game. Stamp your feet and clap your hands. Stop and watch a comedy clip on your phone or message a friend or partner about the absurdity of parenting

Take the pressure off

Remind yourself that you don’t have to be the perfect parent. Don’t compare yourself to other parents. A good enough parent is good enough. Suppose today isn’t going well. There is always tomorrow. Breathe and relax your body. 

Sometimes our anger can be because of a trauma trigger

Reground yourself through drinking a cold glass of water, your breath, and notice five things in the room that are blue. Keep your feet on the floor. Go barefoot and notice how your feet feel on the ground. Try mediation and journaling, as this will help you become more aware of when you need regrounding. 

Talk about it with someone

Don’t battle with all these intense emotions on your own. Release the tension by talking it through with someone you trust, who won’t judge you and can remain objective. (i.e., a therapist) 

Reconnect with your children

Sometimes when we get angry, we lose our connection with ourselves and our children. Stop and talk to your child, ask them if they are OK and cuddle them. Do something together that you both enjoy doing. 

Cristalle Hayes is a existential and trauma-based psychotherapist and author of Angry Mother Assertive Mother: From maternal anger to radical repair, published by Rethink, out now, available on Amazon.

People photo created by master1305, Car photo created by drobotdean, Love photo created by freepik

9 comments

  1. I’ve been there, always found it was useful to take a break and go into another room just to chill. I am also more lax now with some messes and such because in the long run it isn’t that big of a deal.

  2. mom rage is real? Of course it is, I suffered from it for years lol…But my mom always managed to calm down and we weren’t easy kids, quite the opposite lol…

  3. Thank you for sharing this tips, I have no kids yet but these tips will help me more when I become a parent.

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