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Expectations are one of our greatest problems in life. When things don’t go to our plan, we suffer. We can end up wasting so much of our time moaning, feeling stressed, worrying, and end up missing out on life. I’m not sure why we believe that things should go to our plan? It’s naive when you think about it, bearing in mind there are billions of people on the planet, but this is how the majority of us behave. We sulk, throw our toys out of the pram, moan, then moan some more. So much of our time and energy, if we’re not careful can end up going in this direction and missing out on the things which truly matter to us.

Wake-Up Call

The biggest wake-up call for many has been the pandemic and the ongoing repercussions. Who’d have believed all the things that have happened! It’s been challenging in all kinds of different ways for us all. Our main issue is in our response to this pandemic as this SHOULD not be happening.

Here are a few should’s that I’m sure you’ll be familiar with in 2020/2021.

SHOULD versus REALITY

Should

• I SHOULD be able to travel abroad.

• My child SHOULD be able to go to school.

• I SHOULD be able to hug my friends and family.

• I SHOULD be able to go out to a restaurant.

• The pandemic SHOULD be over by now.

Added to these should’s can be an endless stream of overthinking, worry, and feeling stressed. Moaning not only internally but also to others and you could even end up posting your woes on your social media feeds! If we’re not aware of how we add to this drama, we will suffer more. We will be left feeling frustrated, disappointed, annoyed, to name but a few of these unpleasant emotions. Our behaviours then will be affected and likely to find ourselves, as an example, overeating, drinking, shouting at our kids, and this will ultimately affect the quality of our lives and relationships.

What’s important is to always return to the reality of the situation and accept it as it is right now. 

Reality

• I cannot travel abroad.

• My child cannot go to school.

• I cannot hug my friends or family.

• I cannot go to a restaurant.

• The pandemic is not over.

Plain and simple. No amount of drama, stomping around, sulking is going to change the reality. Knowing this truth will help you to accept whatever situation you find yourself in; this is not to say you don’t take action if you need to but accepting reality is the first step to a more peaceful life. Otherwise, you will be living at the mercy of life, which will keep you on your toes.

Physical Pain VERSUS Mental Pain

As we all know, there’s physical pain where a part of our body hurts, whereas I describe mental pain as the story running through our minds constantly about something or another which hasn’t gone to plan. The story comes from our perspective and often not the reality. The endless commentary running through our minds can leave us feeling terrible.

Take for example, an email from your child’s teacher. The teacher has emailed you to arrange an unexpected meeting about your child. Before you have even finished reading the email, you could already imagining all kinds of different scenarios. Fear, worry, concern will highly likely step in and usually worse than reality. Then you go in to meet the teacher, and she informs you your child has been misbehaving in class. Your heart may drop, or you could be relieved depending on the story you had created. You may leave the meeting worried, feeling stressed, concerned and playing out all sorts of scenarios once again. All the what-ifs come flooding in. For some people, this could worry them for days or weeks. Some people could take a night to think about it, some not worried at all. We’re all different, but how you respond to life’s challenges will affect your life.

Relationships Breakdown

Our worst expectations are the ones we put on others, and this causes us a lot of unnecessary suffering, and can lead to relationships breaking down.

See if you can relate in someway to a few of these simple scenarios:

• You sent a gift to a relative, and you didn’t receive a thank you. You’re left feeling disappointed and hurt, you play out in your mind how rude this is for the next three days.

• You sent a message to a friend for some help looking after your child, and she hasn’t responded. You are mad and hurt! You wonder what you’ve done, you’re not happy with this friend as you’re always there for her, this plays on your mind for days.

• You can’t believe how your darling child has turned into a rude, obnoxious teenager! You wonder what an earth you’ve done wrong and feel very hurt and disappointed, and spend the next month going over this in your mind looking for answers.

All these expectations on how people should respond to you if you’re not careful will create all kinds of turmoil inside you, and then you will suffer, creating the knock-on affect I mentioned earlier.

Become Curious

The best way to overcome this and reduce your suffering is to get to know yourself better and become curious. Here’s an idea to get you started:

On a piece of paper, head up three columns with the words, Useful – Neutral – Harmful.

The next time you wake-up in the middle of the night, or you’re feeling stressed or worried write down what you were thinking about and put each of the thoughts into these three separate columns. Do the same for any other common thoughts you’re having about yourself, others and life in general. This information will give you a real clue on where your mind is taking you, and then you’ll be in a better position to understand why you’re responding the way you are, and why you’re feeling the way you feel as thoughts and feelings are connected.

Warning – Not an opportunity to judge yourself, but a time to understand yourself a little better.

Another great place to listen is when minor things happen, like when your washing machine breaks down or your car doesn’t start. Do you have an inner commentary about it, create more of it than the reality or do you respond decisively and take appropriate action?

If you are able to deal with day to day life more easily, then you will be in a better position to deal with the bigger issues and challenges of life when you’re feeling stressed.

Moving from an issue, problem or challenge and then into action more swiftly, is where we have control. Of course, taking time to come up with a solution is no problem at all but the drama is all so unnecessary. Being able to live like this increase your productivity, you will have more time,  energy, and have happier relationships with others. Although, if you need a pity party, go for it and give yourself a time limit; this way you’re not wasting too much of your precious time.

Accepting life is life; nothing personal is a great place to begin.

No added story is the key, and face reality as it truly is, then you will have a choice. Go down the rabbit hole (and you will), let it ruin your day, week, year and for some a lifetime, or take a pause and face the reality of what is happening right here, right now. You will have more clarity and find a solution much more quickly if you take the second option, plus you will be a greater role model for your kids, which is a win-win for you all.

Well, that’s it from me for this month!

If you have any questions or want to connect please feel free at https://www.instagram.com/teresa.e.townsend/ & https://www.facebook.com/coachteresatownsend/

Take care,