Parent Worries: Can you really be your child’s friend AND parent?

Parent Worries
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You know it, I know it…we all want to be our child’s friend deep down inside, but the advice is conflicting. A quick google shows polar opposite attitudes and opinions on whether it’s advisable being your child’s friend as a parent.

For every article saying it’s a good idea to be your child’s friend, there is another one scolding us for trying to be a friend to our child. So which one is it?

If you are as confused as a cow on astroturf then join the club! That’s why this edition of Parent Worries with parenting expert Louise Hoffman-Brooks of Parenting Success Coaching is dedicated to the topic. Read on my friends, and let us get to the bottom of this age-old parenting conundrum….

The advice about whether we should be our child’s friend or not is so conflicting – why is this?

The majority of parents wish to feel connected and close to their children – and wish to cultivate a trust in the relationship that invites honesty and open communication. For some of us this desire is borne out of not having had such a relationship with our own parents, or precisely because we realise what a gift it is to have had this.

While the parent-child relationship still involves leadership on our part, what has changed a lot over the past 50 years is the degree to which children are encouraged to have a voice. Children of today are not meant to only be seen and not heard. Most parents invest a lot more time and dedication to the welfare of their children than previous generations.

This means that the parent-child relationship has evolved to become more equal and that we parent from a more flat hierarchy than previously. The lines, therefore, between friend/parent has therefore become more blurred than earlier and to help us make better sense of the advice that’s coming our way it might be useful to first get clear on how we define ‘friend’.

So it is ok to be my child’s friend? And if so, what are the benefits?

If, by ‘friend’ we mean establishing a deep connection, built on trust, warmth and openness – then that is wonderful. Those are qualities needed for a child to easily want to cooperate with us and feeling safe to share their thoughts and big feelings with us.

Having a close bond with our child is a gift to treasure. When children feel safe and respected and listened to, they are much more willing to share and open up to us. This means that we will be privy to thoughts and feelings that might otherwise be acted out through unwanted behaviours. And it means that our children will be more likely to admit mistakes and wrongs without feeling the need to lie or hide sides of themselves out of fear of getting into trouble.

What about those who say it isn’t ok to be your child’s friend? Are there any benefits of this approach?

Because we want to establish relationships with our children that are built on trust, openness and warmth it can feel luring to consider our child our friend and parent as if they were. For single parents or if the age gap between the parent and child isn’t very big – knowing where to draw the line can become a little tricky.

What might be good to remember is that while our children have equal worth to us, they do not have equal power. And nor should they have. They greatly depend on our ability to lead, make executive decisions about their lives and their care based on what we know to be good for them. This is what children can’t yet do because they don’t yet have the necessary experience or the maturity to do so.

In this sense a family unit is not a democracy. And as parents, we do well not to aim for consensus or go with the majority vote. But where we demonstrate that our children have equal worth is that we are willing to listen and respect their view points. Even if we cannot accommodate them or don’t agree.

The danger in aiming to be our child’s friends while we are actively parenting is that we lose sight of this important distinction. Similarly, if the line between parent and child gets blurred – we run the risk of sharing information or feelings with them that they are not equipped to carry or expect behaviour from them that they are not yet capable of demonstrating. Children cannot carry the responsibility and weight of our stuff – but will assume it if we are not mindful of making this distinction clear in our parenting.

Is it ever the case that a child actually doesn’t want to be your friend (especially as they get older)?

Absolutely. It can be hard for a child to individuate and become a separate person if they aren’t given the space to become separate from us. The process of individuating often involves the child adopting beliefs, attitudes and habits that run counter to ours – which can cause friction in the relationship. If the premise is that you are ‘friends’ this will be difficult for the child to do. Because by ‘friend’s it is implied that we are ‘equal’ pursuing each other equally. Teens often aren’t.

While it is still hugely important to a teenager’s emotional health to have a good relationship with us, during that time they are becoming increasingly peer oriented This is exactly as it should be, and will be associated with mixed emotions on their part. While they will be instinctively moved to leave the home more and use friends as confidants, this turning away from the family unit will also be associated with a degree of sadness and a sense of loss.

As parents we can help our teen do reconcile this developmental stage by providing them with the necessary space and trust to do so, and handle our own feelings about this outside of this relationship. The loss is felt on both sides, yet it is our responsibility to create the safety within the relationship for our child to reject us and oppose us without having to worry about our feelings of rejection.

If you want to be your child’s friend, what else do you need to do to ensure you are still a good parent?

First, define for yourself what you mean by ‘friend’. Ensuring that you don’t lean on your child for emotional comfort or support and assuming the role of the leader is going to ensure that the line between friend and parent isn’t crossed.

Welcome conflict and disagreements and be mindful of having broad enough shoulders to make unpopular decisions and being momentarily hated.

Our children and our family at large benefit from us leading a rich and fulfilling life that fulfil us beyond being a parent. This will mean that we are less likely to establish emotional alliances with our children or unintentionally oversharing or leaning on them for support or fulfilment. It will be a lot easier for children to individuate and go on to pursue their best life having had parents who have demonstrated how to do so for themselves.

So what camp do you fall into? Do you think it’s ok to be your child’s friend? Do leave a comment below and connect with us on Instagram here where we love to talk all things parenting. 

Picture credits: People photo created by yanalya and tirachardz – www.freepik.com

6 comments

  1. What an interesting debate. My little girl is only 4, so to be honest it is not something I have thought about previously. As you mentioned several times, the most important thing for me is to have a warm, open, honest and trusting relationship with my daughter. #fortheloveofblog

  2. We have reached the tween stage with my eldest. He currently thinks I’m from the dark ages and everything I do is cringe! But he comes to me when it matters. So I think it’s just the natural order of things. At least my seven year old still thinks I’m the best and wants to live with me forever! I’m their parent, I’m there for them no matter what. But I’m not their best friend. #fortheloveofblog

  3. My husband is more parent figure and I am more a friend. But that this OK with me as I have been in toxic families when I was a kid. I much prefer my kid to be friend and be safe. My kids talk to me about everything that I feel blessed x #fortheloveofblog

  4. Such a fine line between the two! I must say, I only have a 1 year old and a 4 year old, but I feel like so much of this already applies to my 4 year old. I definitely want my daughters to feel like they can come to me and talk to me about everything without being scared of being judged or reprimanded. But I still want to maintain my role as parent – not necessarily “friend”.

  5. Such an interesting topic. I think it’s a bit of both – you have to guide your kids and teach them right from wrong though, so definitely not a friend in the way of a peer the same age as them, but I think it’s important to have mutual trust and respect x #fortheloveofblog

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