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What is motherhood and what does it mean in today’s modern world? From thinking that we should be enjoying every moment of motherhood, to the futile pursuit of perfection, not to mention the never-ending FOMO and sense of feeling judged thanks to the social construction of motherhood, the question what is motherhood is riddled with myths creating flawed expectations vs the surprising realities we have to fudge our way through.

Recently I was sent the book Becoming Mum Motherhood and Identity Crisis by J C Barry which really struck a chord with me. The entire book is packed with upfront truths surrounding the question: what is motherhood and what does it mean in modern society.

In the quest to understand what is motherhood, here we share an extract outlining some of the common myths of motherhood:

What is motherhood: 5 common myths

1. ‘My life is over’

Thankfully this is not true. Life is about change, and your life is in a period of change. Change involves learning and growth. Certainly a really young girl who falls pregnant will have to put many experiences and rites of passage on hold, and this is something to be considered.

2. ‘My social life is over’

Again, your social life is not over – though it may temporarily need to stop and re-evaluate itself! It is in a state of flux. Real friends will be there for you, both during and after this transition. A colleague said to me when I was pregnant with my first child, ‘Think of all the new people you will meet through this baby.’ I reflected on her comment years later, and how right she was!

3. ‘I must be all-nurturing and self-sacrificing’

Modern psychologists state that the one most effective step you can make to positively influence your child’s development and future emotional stability is to take care of yourself – the saying ‘Happy mum, happy child’ was not just an ‘old wives’ tale after all.

4. ‘I must love being a mum at all times’

This is not a realistic goal. ‘Becoming mum’ is a process, and you do not wake up the day after giving birth comfortable in this role and able to take on all the tasks required of you. That is OK. Baby steps!

Some women get a shock at how mundane the tasks are when looking after a baby and small child. Remember the daily tasks change as the child grows. As they get older they have completely differing needs, and your chores will change in line with this.

You can incorporate parts of yourself into the housework – put on a favourite podcast in the background, or CDs to learn a language, or your favourite motivational music. You are your own boss and can make the working environment more comfortable for yourself.

5. ‘I am a failure if I can’t cope or live up to the image of mothers in the media’

Critical thinking is a great asset in our post-truth world. We have no idea if what we see in the media is true or not. I heard the following quote from writer Helen Cullen: ‘Never compare your interior world to someone else’s exterior world’, which I think is great advice for new mums.

What you are seeing could all be staged – just for show or an Instagram image – and not the reality of the situation at all. What is the meaning of the word ‘failure’? These are all really great life lessons, and we come face to face with them when and after we give birth.

Bob Dylan said that ‘there’s no success like failure’. And remember, as Dr Winnicott said, as long as we are well-intentioned and try, our mistakes will then teach and develop our children to better face the reality of life.

Have these common myths of motherhood featured during your journey so far? What has been your experience of identity crisis in motherhood? Do share your experiences below in a comment.

Becoming Mum: Motherhood and Identity Crisis is available to buy at the Amazon link below