In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we all encounter moments when we are feeling frustrated and irritated. Whether it’s dealing with family dynamics, navigating friendships, workplace challenges or facing unexpected curveballs, these triggers can send us on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s a common human experience to react defensively, feel offended, or even become entangled in blame and resentment. But what if we told you there’s another way to approach these moments when you are feeling frustrated to the max?
Enter Stef Ziev, a certified life and executive coach and the author of ‘The Choice Is Yours: A Simple Approach to Live and Lead with more Joy, Ease, and Purpose.’ Stef introduces us to a thought-provoking perspective she calls the ‘F*ck You, Thank You’ approach. This unique mindset encourages us to see our frustrations as opportunities for growth, as catalysts for personal transformation.
In this enlightening interview, Stef Ziev shares her insights on how to navigate the ups and downs of life by turning those ‘F*ck You’ moments into ‘Thank You’ revelations. Join us as we delve into the world of emotional resilience, empowered decision-making, and practical strategies for embracing this transformative perspective in your daily life.
Are you ready to learn how to transform frustration into growth and live with more joy, ease, and purpose? Let’s dive in and discover the power of the ‘F*ck You, Thank You’ perspective with Stef Ziev.”
How does the “F*ck You, Thank You”help when you’re feeling frustrated?
As humans, we get triggered. Family members, spouses, co-workers, kids, telemarketers are just a few of the people we encounter on any given day who will likely push our buttons. When they do, we may go from zero to 60 and feel a range of emotions from offended, to angry to defensive, and more. If we’re not mindful, we can engage with the trigger and stay mired in those weeds, which can lead to the need to be right or feeling like a victim. This is a common, though usually unconscious, reaction. And though it’s important to feel your feelings, and I encourage you to do so in a healthy and safe way, when you’re ready, there’s another way to look at it.
What if you were to see and relate to your trigger as your teacher? As something that’s here to wake you up or grow you or change the direction you were heading in? Every life lesson, no matter how big or small, usually begins with a “F*ck You.” And, you have the power to determine what comes next. You have the choice to turn this frustrating experience into a “Thank You.” This is not about “toxic positivity” or bypassing your feelings. Your gratitude may not be instant. This concept is about experiencing your experience and then getting curious about what this “F*ck You” moment is here to teach you, rather than stay in the blame and shame game. The choice is yours.
How important is emotional resilience in personal growth and development?
Emotional resilience is the ability to bounce back stronger and more conscious after we’ve been knocked down. As humans, we are innately resilient, we just don’t always tap into it. We may even diminish our ability to do so. Though it’s through our challenges that we have the choice to build and strengthen our emotional resilience. This leads to our growth and development.
What are some common barriers or challenges individuals face when trying to shift their perspective from frustration to growth?
In general, people like to be “right.” It can be more “comfortable” to stay in their corner and feel angry, hurt, or sorry for themselves, whatever the case may be. However, this can be the enemy of happy or connected. When we stay in our righteousness or our upset, that becomes a barrier to growth.
Before you can shift your perspective or change the way you respond to things, it’s vital that you acknowledge and validate your feelings and experience, ideally on your own or with a trusted friend or professional. You cannot change anything without naming it.
One of the best ways to name the trigger is through an exercise I created called, “Who’s sitting at the HEAD of your table?” To do this, envision a dining room table. Instead of your friends and family sitting around the table, think about it as different parts or versions of you. There may be “Happy,” “Sad,” “Love,” Fear,” “Confidence,” “Doubt,” “Perfectionism,” and more. The question in any given circumstance is, “Who’s sitting at the head of your table?” This “authority” sitting at the helm is the one “authoring” the stories we’re telling ourselves and reacting to our triggers.
When you feel frustrated, ask yourself, “Who’s sitting at the head of my table? What part of me is “authoring” this “F*ck You” story? Once you name this part, you now have space to observe it, which allows you to tame it and ultimately reframe it into a “Thank you.” This is what you get to choose.
How can we redirect our energy and focus to feel in a more productive and empowered way?
Change comes from within. This is where you have agency. Gathering information from your triggers helps you develop personally and professionally. The more open you are to seek and understand what’s triggering you and why, the more empowered you become to identify what truly matters to you.
Observing without judgment what part of you is sitting at the head of your table and dictating your experience has been game-changing for my clients. It helps you understand what’s working and what’s not. It allows you to clarify what you want and what you don’t. And it gives you a tool to make different and better choices that are aligned with your core values.
What strategies or techniques do you recommend for developing emotional resilience/a positive mindset when we’re feeling frustrated?
Start where you are and learn as you go! Any growth is about progress, not perfection. I believe and operate from the belief that if we are triggered, there is always something to learn. That our trials and challenges are here to grow us and to show us how powerful and resilient we really are. And this is a choice.
Whenever something triggers us, or ignites a reaction, that’s an invitation to ask ourselves, “Where does this trigger live within me?” Think about what triggers you:
Maybe you feel yourself go from zero to 60 when your spouse asks you to do something for them on top of all the other things you already have on your list. This “teacher” might be providing feedback that “People Pleaser” has been sitting at the head of your table and it’s time to create and communicate new agreements with your partner so that you can release any resentment and set healthy boundaries.
If you’re triggered by people who are late, that could elicit an experience of being disregarded. The insight offered here might be an opportunity to value your needs and to share them with others.
Perhaps messy spaces upend your world and contribute to an inability to function or be productive. Your overwhelm, in this case, may be teaching you to gain perspective, prioritize, and plan.
How does embracing the “F*ck You, Thank You” perspective contribute to empowered decision-making?
Across the board, a common theme I hear in my coaching practice is some version of, “I don’t feel valued.” The trigger itself that ignites this experience can show up in a variety of ways and from a range of sources, including co-workers, family members, and societal constructs. Whenever this feeling of not being valued arises—and regardless of who or what triggered it—I always bring it right back to my clients and ask them the same question… “In what ways are you not valuing yourself?”
This inquiry shines the light on what’s really going on and where you have the power to create change through your choices.
If you’re willing to stop, look, listen, and take responsibility, which is the ability to respond vs. react, to what’s triggering you at the core, this will allow you to implement the learning and prosper from the teachings. When you give yourself permission to choose to understand your trigger as your teacher, you have the power to heal, transform, and elevate your life.
Can you provide some practical tips or strategies that individuals can implement in their daily lives to embrace the “F*ck You, Thank You” perspective
When you feel the desire to say, “F*ck You” to someone or a situation, do your best to take a breath and ask yourself:
- “What is it specifically that’s bothering me so much about this situation?”
- “What is this trigger reflecting back to me about myself?”
- “What core value or quality is this situation trying to help me develop or strengthen?”
- “Where have I experienced this in the past and what can I now heal?”
- “What is this trigger here to teach me?”
- “What constructive and/or different actions will I choose to take going forward?”
You can also set an alarm or a reminder on your phone to go off every 2 – 4 hours with the label: “Who’s sitting at the HEAD of your table right now?” This will allow you to check in and make new and more conscious choices.
Stef Ziev is a former TV executive turned certified life and executive coach and author of the book, The Choice Is Yours: A Simple Approach to Live and Lead with more Joy, Ease and Purpose. (April 12, 2023)
