Regular readers of my blog will know that we have made the decision to stop at only one child. I know this is the right thing for both my physical and mental well-being, and my family’s happiness, and for many, many other reasons. Yet it doesn’t take away from the fact that inside, my heart will always yearn for another child.
Today I had another reminder of this. My period started, made an appearance for one day, then stopped. As I sat on the toilet wondering what on earth was happening, and whether I should be going to buy a pregnancy test, an internal tug of war played out.
In the voice of horror: OH MY GOD WHAT IF I AM PREGNANT AGAIN???!
Then in the voice of joy: OH MY GOD WHAT IF I AM PREGNANT AGAIN??!
A day later, my period made an appearance again, and the questions faded away. But then what was left is this:
If I am absolutely honest with myself, there is more than just a piece of me that still yearns for another child. That wonders what if? What IF we had another child? What IF she had a sibling? How magical would it be to hold another baby that I had grown inside me for nine months in my arms again? To hear their little bleating cry as they were laid upon my chest as a newborn? To be sat in the depths of the night with them in that special time of nursing – just me and them. And have all those amazingly magical and precious moments and experiences that only a baby can bring you.
But then I remember all the reasons why we have chosen to have only one child. Why – if I take off those rose-tinted glasses – we don’t want to have another baby. Having gone through everything and having come through the other side four and a half years later, I just could not fathom going through the seemingly endless sleep deprivation or have to deal with the fact that while everyone has promised us our second baby could be easier, that it could just as easily be ten times worse.
I practically inwardly shudder as I think about having to juggle a school run and baby at the same time, and just can not get my head around no longer having that precious one-on-one time that I have become so accustomed to with our daughter. Not to mention the fact that I am pretty sure I would have zero boobs left afterwards!
Of course, I know this has been done time and time again by mothers all over the world (albeit the fact that so many mums seem to be struggling these days), but while we’ve made the decision that having another baby is not for us, I can’t cover up the fact any longer that my heart will still always yearn for another child, and if a stork came along and dropped off a baby on our doorstep then there would be no question about it.
I’m pretty sure that so many mums out there still yearn for another child, whether they have stopped at one, two, three or even possibly more, and perhaps this is just down to our biological urge. Does your heart still yearn for another child? Do share in a comment below.