link Help there’s a Neanderthal loose in my house! 15 offensive traits of a toddler

Toddlers – when they are in a good mood the traits of a toddler fall into the category that is sweetness and light, they are the apple of our eye, full of smiles and giggles; but at other times they can be as rude and offensive as a ranging drunk tramp.

Of course, we can put this down to the fact that their little brains are nowhere near as developed as said tramp (and their tantrums are far worse too!), but needless to say, that only makes it just a little bit more easy to swallow.

Although at times comical, at others, it can be enough to drive us civilized creatures into a hole where we can cower and hide from the Neanderthal running loose in our house. Today alone, I could think of 15 offensive traits but I’m sure if I left this open, there would be many more to follow!

So here they are – guilty as charged – 15 offensive traits of a toddler, but hey…we wouldn’t change them for the world…or would we?

1. Repetition

To the point of insanity. Persistency is one thing but we’re talking borderline obsessive compulsive order here! If they were an adult, they would be a serious social outcast or worse still, suspected of early onset dementia. Just as well they get away with it all as a toddler then!

2. Interruption

Any chance we can actually finish a sentence to someone that’s not you without you acting up or interrupting? Because it ain’t all about you! Well that’s what we like to tell ourselves, anyway.

3. Weeing

Anywhere and everywhere: Yup, as soon as the nappies come off, it’s game on…come catch me before I wee!

4. Spitting out food

Preferably whilst blowing raspberries. Just delightful. Who needs table manners anyway?

5. Freaking out

About, well everything and anything – the wrong bib, the wrong food, the wrong book, the wrong bear. Wrong wrong, it’s all wrong. Who let the dictator out anyway? This toddler trait seriously stresses me out.

6. Slapping you about

Slapped round the face, elbowed in the boob, kneed in the nuts, headbutted, nipple tweaked…sounds like a wrestling match? Kid-inflicted injuries are all just in a day’s work.

7. Slobbing

In front of the TV, with their hands down their pants, and letting some wind rip for good measure…hmmm I wonder where they picked that up from?

8. Territorial

It’s mine mine mine and I’ll push you and shove you until I get it, or get you away from it. One step away from territorial pissing, and just absolutely charming.

9. Early waking

Didn’t anyone tell you anything before 6am is just plain rude? Some of us don’t get to sleep as early as you, you know! Have some pity.

10. The ‘no’ factor

A descendent of repetition, saying no 100 times over without rhyme or reason, and just because they can, until your every hope of a yes in any way, shape or form is absolutely deflated and wiped all over the floor

11. Finger-up-nosing

Remember that kid at school that always dug deep inside their nose in every single class, and has now left that disgusting vision etched inside your mind?  Hoorah! Now you have your very own one, and this time it’s for keeps. Go on – pick a winner!

12. Exposing themselves

Find the most inappropriate time, combine with most inappropriate place, and in front of the most inappropriate person and you can bet there’ll be some expert exposing on the cards. Put it away already!

13. Exposing you!

For the love of God if I end up with pyjamas being tugged down to my ankles while I’m making breakfast one more time someone’s gonna get it!

14. Mouthing

Everything and anything – from the bin, to what’s inside it, to the potty, to crusty old bits of food glued to the floor from a week ago. Worse than a dog and utterly disgusting!

15. Impatience

Toddlers have the patience of a loan shark – when you’re due for one, you have about one second to head off an “episode” before the shark strikes!

Are there any other offensive toddler traits you’d add to this list? Do leave a comment and share…

bathroom refresh


  1. Yes, yes, yes! Literally snorted in laughter at the ‘exposing you’ part. So true.
    Great post #thetruthabout

  2. Haha brilliant post. Laughed esp at the exposing one… I’ve had my pjs pulled down round my ankles a few times, it’s a good job noone was there! They’re delightful things arnt they?

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