Splitting up and then having to co-parent can take some serious adjustment. In an ideal world, separated parents contribute evenly to their children’s lives in terms of finances, emotional support and practicalities. In reality, this isn’t always so easy. Here we take a look at some of the specific challenges of co-parenting after separation. Plus we share some useful tips on how to co-parent after splitting so that you can foster positive co-parenting after you have parted ways.
The challenges of co-parenting after splitting up
There are several challenges of co-parenting after splitting up, including:
Communication
Co-parenting requires ongoing communication between both parents to ensure that the child’s needs are met. However, communication can be challenging when emotions are high or there is a history of conflict.
Coordinating schedules
Co-parenting often requires coordination of schedules between both parents to ensure that the child has adequate time with each parent. This can be challenging when parents have different work schedules or live far apart from each other.
Consistency in parenting styles
Co-parenting requires both parents to be consistent in their parenting styles to avoid confusion for the child. However, this can be challenging if parents have different values, beliefs, or approaches to parenting.
Managing emotions
Splitting up can be an emotional experience, and managing those emotions can be challenging when trying to co-parent effectively. It’s important for parents to find healthy ways to cope with their emotions to avoid conflict or negative impacts on the child.
Financial considerations
Co-parenting can involve significant financial considerations, such as child support payments, healthcare expenses, and education costs. Agreeing on these matters can be challenging, particularly if there are disagreements about how much each parent should contribute.
Maintaining boundaries
It’s important for both parents to maintain appropriate boundaries to avoid overstepping each other’s roles or creating confusion for the child. This can be challenging, particularly if one parent is struggling with letting go or accepting the new family dynamic.
How to co-parent after splitting up: 6 essential tips
Be patient with the healing process
Initially, it may seem unimaginable that you will ever be able to communicate amicably with your ex again. However, the passage of time allows you to heal from your emotional wounds and spend a bit of time repairing yourself. Be kind to yourself in the aftermath of your split and remember you won’t feel better about things overnight. Enjoy a period of reduced contact with your ex and start to build your emotional resilience. You don’t need to be best friends to successfully co-parent, but over time you should be able to be civil.
Place boundaries and keep them
After the split, place boundaries with your ex and stick to them. You don’t have to know everything about what is going on in their life and that works both ways. Don’t ask personal questions and don’t respond to personal questions. Keep all your conversations about your child, at least initially. Remember you have a right to privacy and your own personal life, if you blur the lines, you are potentially leaving the door open for more personal communications which could cause problems.
Be flexible
Co-parenting well means sometimes being flexible. People’s circumstances do change and yours may change too. Be open to switching scheduled days if needed and show your children that you are working together to find a way for things to work so they get to see each parent as much as possible. Equally, sticking to the routine when there is no real need for change is important too. It shows respect for each other’s time and keeps things harmonious.
Don’t speak negatively about your ex
It can be challenging not to roll your eyes or voice how you feel about your ex if they have done something unreasonable. However, keep your reactions away from your children, they won’t thank you for it. Avoid any negative talk about your ex in front of your children, even if this is to friends and family. It sets a poor example to children and can feel hurtful. Similarly, don’t ask your children big questions like, where do you want to live? This puts too much responsibility and pressure on them.
Consider a Parenting Plan
Communication can sometimes prove impossible despite your best attempts. In these situations, consider getting a Parenting Plan. A solicitor can arrange this for you or you can draw up the details yourself. It should include agreements such as how you and the other parent will behave towards each other, a timetable of sharing, drop off times, how school holidays will work, and child maintenance payments. If you can agree on where the children will live, the times they spend with each parent and financial provisions you may be able to avoid going to court.
Learn to adapt
Not having your children around as much is often the hardest part of co-parenting. But remember that what you are doing is best for your children, they need time with the other parent to feel happy and become well-adjusted. You may not feel like it at the start but make plans for when they are away. See friends you haven’t in a while or even begin a new pursuit or activity. It may feel alien but eventually you will begin looking forward to those times when you can recharge and be ready and enthused for when your children come back to you.
