Different parenting styles? How to deal with the clash: 2023 guide

Life before kids, you and your other half seemed to be two peas in a pod. You agreed on everything, and it seemed like nothing could come between the two of you. Then you became parents and suddenly disagreed on practically everything. Different parenting styles can cause major angst in your relationship and make parenting an even harder pill to swallow than it already is. So the question is, what can you do when you and your other half have different parenting styles? We get to the bottom of the issue in this month’s issue of Parent Worries with parenting expert Louise Hoffman-Brooks of Parenting Success Coaching.

More than one way of doing things

Few of us imagine, in the early stages of a relationship that we will ever disagree on the important stuff. Like how to discipline a child, whether to sleep train and how much to push our child academically. In the intoxicating stage of feeling in love we notice only our compatibility and sameness and imagine that in our partner we have found someone who naturally shares our ideas of right and wrong when it comes to raising a child. Perhaps it isn’t until two becomes three and candle lit dinner dates have been replaced by endless evening visits to our toddler’s room to console a screaming child, that we realise what WE believe about sleep and crying and what values actually steer our own parenting. And it most certainly isn’t until then that we learn – often the hard way – that there is more than ONE way of doing things and that our partner can have different ideas.

Nice as it would be to get clear on our parenting values ahead of becoming parents, for the vast majority of us it is not till we hold our baby in our arms that we understand our own parenting style and that of our partner. 

Disagreement on parenting styles is common

This is one of the most common underlying concerns that parents I support come to me with. Wanting to be a united front, in order not to be forced into the roles of ‘good-cop’ vs ‘bad-cop’, many parents are feeling that parenthood is a series of endless of power struggles and conflict, because their boundaries and attitudes differ. Sadly, this is not as talked about as it ought to be, and therefore many parents feel alone and ashamed that the ‘united front’ that many of us saw our parents as is not achievable.

Does a parenting style clash matter?

One thing that is helpful to remember, is that most of us parent in response to our own upbringing.

Our thoughts about discipline, boundaries and connection are largely influenced by the experience we have had -both good and bad – growing up. You may find, that your partner grew up in a rather authoritative home which he credits to his success in his adult life, while the same kind of upbringing is to blame for your low self-esteem and people pleasing.

Unless we actively seek to know ourselves better and understand the parenting reactions that’s encoded in us as a result of the parenting we received – we are going to automatically parent how we were parented – or actively seek to do the opposite.  Either way, when our parenting style is in response to our own past, we are likely to be less open to a different view and will have strong feelings about the ‘rightness’ of our approach.

The wealth of parenting styles out there means that tend to look outside of ourselves for the answers. What is ‘the right thing’ to do in this situation? And if our partner hasn’t read that same book or isn’t as interested in the parenting literature a conflict easily arises whenever we are confronted with challenges. It becomes a case of ‘right / wrong’ parenting and this means that difference in parenting style can feel threatening.

Unless we work out – as a couple – our parenting VALUES – we will often find that we have many conflicts about the same things.

Moving through a parenting style clash

An everyday example that all of us can relate to is mealtimes.

Few things can give rise to conflict more so than family mealtime. We spend time and effort cooking a good meal and we want to be that family that can sit down together to enjoy each other’s company only to be faced with a reality that we don’t like:

• Our toddler not wanting to stay seated
• Our picky and fussy eater who only likes what’s NOT on offer.
• Our child who never finishes what’s on their plate but does have space for pudding. 

This everyday occurrence is sure to activate all of the beliefs and emotions we as parents carry with us from our own childhood dinner.

One parent might insist on clean plates before we even consider pudding, whereas the other parent feels that the child has had enough and that a pudding won’t hurt.

One parent might think that the atmosphere at the table is more important than what gets eaten and how. Whereas for the other parent it good manners are more important.

Tools and techniques for managing parenting style clashes

One thing that can really help us to become more aligned in our parenting is to get clear on our parenting VALUES.

While we might have different ways of doing things – and different boundaries – when we agree on what values we wish to underpin our approach to discipline and communication we have some common ground and can better respect each other’s differences.

If a parenting value is respect – and you value to meet your child with respect for who he or she is or how he/she feels – also in moments of discipline – it means we have something to hold on to as parents when we approach our children.

Example

if your child is watching the Ipad and you would like them to turn it off, your value of respect would mean that you wouldn’t threaten to take the Ipad away for a week if he doesn’t readily give it up. If your child does not want to sit at the table, rather than strapping him down and yelling, you would get curious about WHY your child feels the desire to run away? Would I want to sit here? Is the atmosphere enjoyable? Would I feel uncomfortable being given too much attention?

By identifying a couple of parenting values that you can both agree on – it does not mean that you have a script that will work in every situation. But it means that you are doing things in ways that honours what is important to you and what you would like your child to grow up with. This is possibly more important than agreeing on a ‘parenting style’.

Takeaway

When we adopt methods and styles, we often end up playing a role that does not feel authentic. Not only do children feel this – but also, it can feel difficult to align as parents as it can feel hard to be ourselves if we affiliate with a certain style of being a parent.

The good news is, children are perfectly capable of accepting that mum and dad are different.

In fact, they benefit from the fact that mum and dad differ. That when with mum, it is okay to negotiate what time bath time takes place, and that when with dad, bath time is at 6pm. Dad doesn’t mind loud music – but mum is bothered by it. When children experience that WE can embrace difference – they can come to embrace it too.

The importance of your own relationship

Hugely important. I like to think of mum and dad’s relationship as the family’s WIFI. If the connection is strong – it benefits everyone in the family and gives mum and dad an energy boost and surplus resources in the parenting tank to deal with challenges.

When we work towards defining our connection to our partner, not just on the basis of being someone’s parents, but first and foremost a couple – we are more likely to see the man or woman we love ALSO when we disagree with how they go about things with our children.

One thing that can really help is to decide to have a weekly chat (no more than 30 minutes) to discuss parenting related issues. This means that your frustrations don’t mound up.

The power of letting go

There is wisdom in knowing when NOT to interfere and add our opinions. Generally, when one parent often interferes or criticises how the other parent deals with certain things in front of the child, it is going to be hard for the child to respect and like the parent who is being criticised.

We are want to meet our children with love, acknowledgement and respect – and often we can be intent on ensuring that our partner does just that, that we forget that our partner also benefits from being met in this way.

Children don’t just respond to what is done to them – but are possibly more influenced by what they see happening in general – and in our other relationships. How do mum and dad speak to each other? How do mum and dad deal with conflict?

If we can at all calm ourselves down (which can be hard) when we take issue with something our partner does (unless of course our child is being harmed) and instead of confronting them in the moment, wait until emotions have settled until we bring it up we are far more likely to have a fruitful conversation.

Never too late to make change

Change is always possible. If there is a willingness to go to new places, it does not even require both parents to wish to change. In my work with parents, I often support only one of the parents with their parenting frustrations and see every time that when one of us do something different – the dynamics change.

Love, however, can die as a result of too many conflicts and too many hurtful things said and done. Therefore, it is often a good idea to care more about the quality of your relationship than whether or not you see eye to eye on everything to do with parenting.

Reminding ourselves that our relationship is long-term and hopefully exists past the children flying the next, can often bring things into perspective for us.

Conclusion

Differing parenting styles is not necessarily a bad thing. Rather than insisting on your own perspective, try to muster curiosity and interest in why your partner is doing what he/she is doing.

What we find is that one thing we have in common is a love of our children and positive intentions. All relationships are stretched and tested as a result of widening the love circle to include more than just the two of us. And at times we might have to remind ourselves that children are resilient and capable of navigating differences much more than we give them credit for. But what is harder for them to navigate, is mum and dad having a problem with their differences.

Investing in your family by hiring a parenting coach is a powerful way to make positive changes that bring you closer together and empower you in your parenting. If you are interested in how this could work for you, please know that you can book a free discovery call by emailing: mail@louise-brooks.com or finding out more at www.louise-brooks.com.

Picture credits: Background photo created by gpointstudio – www.freepik.com, School photo created by drobotdean – www.freepik.com, Family photo created by freepik – www.freepik.com

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