Taylor and Sam met in college and married soon after graduation. Like many young couples, they decided to establish their careers and take time to travel before settling on a permanent address and having children. If you’re facing challenges in your relationship post-baby and seeking ways to reconnect with your partner, read this article to win your wife back, offering insightful tips for reigniting the spark.
They found the struggle of trying to regain some sort of routine and consistency in their lives was harder than they ever could have imagined. In part, their unrealistic expectations existed because they’d been scouring through different baby and parenting images on Instagram. Everywhere they saw others leading perfect lives. Their friends seemed to have omitted that adding a baby would put a strain on their relationship, leaving them to feel a disconnect and frustration toward each and causing relationship issues after baby that they had never felt before.
This can occur because we are sold the myth that everything is magical after having a baby. There is so much prep and planning that goes in for the day of the arrival. We even have showers providing us gifts of cute baby outfits and baby gear. But where is the prep for postpartum? Where is the preparation showing us how to deal with the fact that almost 70% of couples report relationship issues after baby.
Taylor and Sam are exactly like dozens of couples I see in my psychotherapy office and attending our new parent workshops.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for almost 20 years, I specialize in helping new and expecting parents meet the real-life challenges that they face when bringing home a new baby. My interest in this area developed after the birth of our first child and the unmet expectations that my husband and I experienced. In our book, Happy With Baby: Essential Relationship Advice When Partners Become Parents, we talk specifically about our own struggles.
I personally felt so unprepared for the challenges that having a child would have on our relationship. I had this naive idea that the baby would simply become a part of us. It did not seem to register for me that he would need things, and my life would have to adjust according to those needs. The strain and challenges that my husband and I experienced felt overwhelming at times.
While there are many challenges that couples like Taylor and Sam report experiencing in their relationships when they bring home a baby, they typically fall into the following three categories.
- No time for each other. “We spend more time than ever with each other,” I often hear. “We both got to take some parental leave, and we’re home all day together.” But upon close examination, they often come to realize that they are feeling dissatisfied; they are not actually connecting with one another.
This is because while they’re meeting the needs of their child, they are struggling to find a way to nurture their own relationship. It takes more effort to make time for each other, so get in the habit of taking 10 to 15 minutes each day to really talk about how each of you is doing.
- No time for yourself. What? How can I mean this is a relationship struggle new parents experience? It is, believe me. If you feel like you are giving to your child, giving to your relationship, giving to the household, etc. and never getting time for yourself— over time there can be a build up of resentment.
Couples have reported in counseling sessions and in our workshops real concerns about how to get time for themselves after the baby arrives. There is a sense of guilt for wanting and needing this time; but in truth, it is essential for your own mental well-being.
If you and your significant other don’t take the time to ask yourself some questions and work together every day, you could build up a wall of resentment that could linger for years in your relationship.
- Difficulty understanding each other’s experiences. Each of us comes into parenthood with different experiences. Moreover, the ways in which we cope with the transition into parenthood can also be different.
One of the most common experiences I will hear from couples is in regard to balancing work and childcare. This is true for both those couples with one parent staying home and both parents going back to work. One parent will report feelings of isolation, or being overwhelmed, frustrated, and exhausted as they stay home and manage all the duties that come with taking care of baby. Meanwhile, the other parent will report feelings of being overwhelmed with pressure to perform at work and at home. Each partner feels exhausted and inadequate. Each reports that their partner does not seem to understand what they are experiencing. Eventually, the challenge can become who has it harder. And that is something no one can win.
Communication is the key to addressing these relationship issues after baby.
In our book we pose three critical questions. The first is, What are you doing to take care of yourself? Second, What are you doing to make sure that you’re connecting with your partner? And finally, What are you doing to make sure that you’re bonding with your baby?
To avoid relationship issues after baby, you can develop healthy communication habits by making sure you are:
- Listening to each other and giving each other an opportunity to speak.
- Keeping your language positive.
- Using body language that welcomes open communication.
- Avoiding the use of texts or email to express important information.
Remember, effective communication isn’t always easy. When you’re tired and overwhelmed, it often goes right out the window. So you have to plan for the inevitable and put a system in place that will prevent your relationship from sliding into the ditch.
The sense of being overwhelmed and fatigued after bringing home a baby decreases over time. Taking care of the baby will get easier. However, the stresses imposed on your relationship with your partner will not go away unless you both put in the care the relationship needs. That care should start immediately and it should be ongoing. Doing so will have a lasting impact. Believe me, taking the time to prioritize your relationship will be worth it.
Author Bio
Catherine O’Brien is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of HappyWithBaby.com. She created Happy With Baby in order for new parents to discover the advice she wishes she could have had as a parent.
Catherine lives in Sacramento, California, where she enjoys paddle boarding and rowing with her husband and two kids. Follow her on Facebook at Happy With Baby, on Instagram @happywithbaby, and on her website, HappyWithBaby.com.
Picture credit: People photo created by wayhomestudio – www.freepik.com
I think one of the biggest things is everyone is just so tired and that can make you irritable more easily, as well as other things.
There is so much that can change when you have a baby. There is often a difficulty understanding the others experiences especially if one has had to stop work to look after children. Sounds like an interesting book.