Well done! You’ve decided to read an article about how to praise a child wisely – good for you.
I hope that made you feel encouraged – that’s the purpose of praise. We Rules parents know that if we’re doing our job properly, our praise will be one of the biggest motivators for our kids. You wouldn’t let their birthday go by without giving them a present, so don’t let good achievements go by without giving them praise.
Ah, but it’s not quite that simple, is it? How many parents do you know who don’t use praise as wisely as they might? You have to give them the right amount, in the right way.
The expression, ‘You can’t have too much of a good thing’ certainly doesn’t apply to praise. That doesn’t mean you should be stingy, but you should give praise in proportion to your child’s achievements. If you over-praise them, you devalue the currency. If you tell them they’re superbly brilliant when they do something pretty average, what will you say when they do something really brilliant? And if every little thing they achieve is rewarded with copious praise, they’ll be terrified of failing you. And they don’t need that kind of pressure.
The importance of praising children for behaving well
A lot of parents forget to praise their child for behaving well, because they take it for granted. But children really want to hear that you noticed how good they were: ‘Well done for not picking your nose in front of Auntie Myrtle,’ or ‘You must be exhausted, but you’re still managing not to moan. That’s good.’ This is what persuades them that it’s worth being good next time.
Recognising your child’s achievements
You can recognise your child’s achievements with thanks as well as praise. That takes off some of the pressure and allows you to acknowledge them without being effusive. What’s more, it’s a great way of reinforcing good behaviour, and reassuring them that you notice when they get things right, not just when they go wrong. ‘Thanks for hanging up the towel after your bath.’ ‘Thanks for doing your homework without needing to be reminded.’ ‘It was good to come home to a tidy kitchen – thank you.’
Using descriptive praise
And one more point about praise… Which of the following do you think your child would most like to hear: ‘What a lovely drawing!’ or ‘What a lovely drawing – I do like the way you’ve managed to make the horse look as if it’s really moving. How did you do that?’ Yep – be specific with your praise if you can and ask them questions too. That will really make them glow.
Choosing the focus of praise wisely
But hang on – I haven’t quite done yet. Praise has another use too. Have you ever stopped to think about what you praise your child for? Think about it now.
I know parents who praise their children most frequently for winning things. In some cases it’s sports, in others it’s school work. I know others whose praise is largely focused on polite behaviour. Or looking beautifully turned out. Or being ‘good’.
The things we choose to praise our children for tell them more about our values than almost anything else. This is how our children assess what really matters in life. If they get all the best responses from you for looking beautiful, or for winning, or for eating everything on their plate, this is what they will unconsciously assume is the most important thing. They’ll put all their efforts into it in order to gain your approval and will start out in life putting huge emphasis on these things.
Using praise to instill values
That doesn’t mean you can’t ever say ‘Well done’ if they’re pleased with themselves for coming top of the class or winning their race, but be conscious of the balance you give them.
On the plus side, praise is a hugely effective way to imbue your children with the values that matter to you. Telling them, ‘I was impressed by the way you took the trouble to include Ali in your group when she was feeling new and shy’ impresses on your child that kindness and considerateness are important qualities. Likewise, ‘I admire the way you enrolled on that climbing course even though you were nervous’, or ‘It doesn’t matter that you didn’t come top – what I noticed was that you put in such a big effort’.
As a parent, it helps to be aware of the values that matter most to you, and to look out for opportunities to acknowledge those things in your child. It’s a positive way to use praise (while keeping it in proportion) to encourage your child to be hard working, thoughtful, unselfish, courageous, determined and kind. And whatever else you think matters. It’s a fantastic tool you can use to equip your kids for life with the values that matter most.
So well done for reading this article – I can see you really care about your children – and how to praise a child wisely!
Richard Templar is the author of best-selling “Rules of…” series, which gained a cult following across the globe. Richard Templar’s new book The Rules of Everything is a one-stop guide to success, featuring the top ten rules from across the series, as voted for by his loyal readers, containing all the secrets you need to know from parenting, relationships, work and mindset! The Rules of Everything is published by Pearson, priced at £12.99, and is available from amazon and all good book stores. Join his Facebook community here.
