4 mins read

Is honesty the best policy? How to talk to children about death #NationalGriefDay

Death is inevitable and part of life. When we open up the conversation about death, it helps children become aware of it and the emotions, feelings and challenges we can all experience following loss. But many parents are at a loss of how to talk to children about death. This National Grief Day Corinne Laan is a natural healer, grief specialist and author of The Art of Grieving: Gentle self-care practices to heal a broken heart (Rockpool Publishing, £16.99) – takes a look at whether honesty is the best policy and how to talk to children about death.

Is honesty the best policy?

Honesty is often the best policy as we can provide children with the information they need following a loss or in the event that something happens. It encourages children to become comfortable with discussing death. When they struggle emotionally following a loss, they are more likely to open up about how they are feeling. It eases communication, creates connection, and can provide a safe space to explore the loss together as a family. Children are often aware of death already through social media, at school, the death of a pet or media. You can add to what they already know with information based on your own belief and culture.

How to talk to children about death

  • Use age-appropriate language when talking about death and loss. Even young children experience grief.
  • Have an open and honest conversation about death and what it means.
  • Be prepared to answer the same questions multiple times.
  • Be patient, often children need time to process the information.
  • Children need to feel safe. They may worry that they will die, a parent or a close relative will die as well. Reassurance is vital to help them feel safe.
  • Listen deeply with compassion and understanding to what children share with you.
  • Be the safe space the child needs when difficult emotions and challenges are being discussed.
  • Children can often sense and feel when you are sad or are facing a challenging time. Sharing how you are feeling will help open up the conversation around death, emotions and feelings.
  • Age-appropriate books about death and grief can help when discussing the topic especially with younger children.
  • Children often experience the same stages of grief as an adult, and it is vital that emotions and feelings are acknowledged and accepted. When emotions are too overwhelming, be prepared to help them make sense of what is happening. If you cannot help, seek the help of a grief counsellor or support from a local children bereavement group.
  • When it comes to emotions, it is important to tell the children that all emotions are okay and are part of the grieving process.
  • Connection is important to children. When a death occurs in the family, it can create a disconnection as you are both dealing with your own emotions and feelings. Finding ways to maintain this connection is vital. One way to maintain connection is having open and honest conversations about feelings and emotions and the impact the death has on the family.
  • When it comes to funeral and memorial services ask the children if they would like to be involved and how. If they decline and do not feel ready to be involved, respect their choices.
  • When discussing death, it is also important to let the children know that it is okay to have fun and experience joy. Experiencing a joyful moment full of laughter does not mean that you are not sad anymore and that joy and sorrow can co-exist.
  • Help children cultivate compassion and empathy as this can help them when they or someone they know is struggling emotionally following the death of a loved one.

Helping children talk about death will help them become emotionally resilient and better equipped to cope with the difficult emotions and feelings which arise following a loss. Death has become a taboo subject as we have slowly lost the rituals and ceremonies around death. Children are the next generation who can make changes and create a stronger support community for those who are grieving.

Corinne Laan is a natural healer, grief specialist and author of The Art of Grieving: Gentle self-care practices to heal a broken heart (Rockpool Publishing, £16.99).

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