There are so many ways sex can change after having a baby! And that’s whether vaginally or via c-section and whether it was a wonderful birth or a traumatic one. Birth is a life-changing event, both physically and mentally, not to mention practically and emotionally. So it’s not surprising that we can experience some discombobulation. 

Our bodies need time to rest, recover and rehab. Even if you don’t experience interventions and scarring, your muscles and tissues have been stretched and moved, so you need time to find your balance again.

Mentally we can find it tough to cope with the changes that childbirth brings, from depression, anxiety and psychosis. All of this can impact our desire and arousal (unsurprisingly!) to simplly finding it hard to reconcile the role of our vagina as a sex object rather than something that just birthed a human! 

And then there’s finding the time and headspace to actually feel attractive, find your partner desirable and allow your body to feel aroused. None of these are easy when you are struggling to adapt to motherhood, learn a whole new skills set and feel emotionally drained from the baby as well as completely sleep-deprived… 

It’s totally normal and very common to not want to have sex after having a baby!  We’re all different and we will all take different amounts of time to recover physically and mentally after childbirth.  Let’s say you had a great birth, no tearing or interventions, you have lots of support, your partner is at home with you and your baby feeds and sleeps well. 

Your approach to sex might be very different to someone who had a traumatic birth and emergency c-section. Or someone who lives far away from friends and family, whose partner has had to keep working throughout the early weeks and whose baby is colicky and finds it hard to settle. 

Our identities shift completely when we become parents. Though this can be a wonderful thing, it often takes a lot of getting used to.  Societal expectation leads us to bury our sexual identity when motherhood takes over, and, as well as all the physical and mental challenges that push sex into the background. Even with a dream birth experience, you might not be able to focus on that sexual part of your identity for a little while. 

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No-one is talking about how difficult or un-sexy intimacy can be post-birth because we’re all pretending to each other that everything is fine.  Firstly, sex is always a little mythic.  You hear the stats of how much sex is normal, but how can we ever know if those figures are correct?  Who’s checking?  This is still the case with postnatal sex too. 

Everyone’s saying it’s fine, but the chances are (if you asked anonymously) it’s not.  Secondly, we’re also living through a very visible and judgemental time in the age of social media.  We all want to be showing our best selves. 

Part of that is saying or posting that we’re sailing through new motherhood and everything is rosy – including sex and our relationship, which probably isn’t the whole story.  Thirdly, we’re kind of prudish about sex anyway, aren’t we?  It’s kind of the last taboo topic in terms of women’s health and I think that often we’re a bit too embarrassed or squeamish to tell the truth.

It can be really hard to know where to start, whether you’re feeling pain or numbness physically, or even pain or numbness mentally.  So I would start by ticking off the things you can discount.  A bit like unravelling a really big knot.  Once you’ve undone the easy tangles around the outside, at least you can see better what the problem at the heart of the mess is! 

Being open and communicating with both yourself and your other half (if you have one) is key to this. This way you can solve it together, feel supported and most of all, not feel under pressure to have sex or endure intimacy before you’re ready. 

I would always also suggest seeing a women’s health physio to get to the root of any physical symptoms. If you’re feeling depressed or anxious or under any other mental health strain, then therapists or counsellors (both solo and for couples) can also be a fantastic help.

It’s hard!  But the key here (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million times again!) is communication and teamwork.  Share the load as much as possible so that the domestic mental load doesn’t get too overwhelming. This is especially necessary when you’re both learning new skills and experiencing new emotions as parents. 

Get help if you can afford it or are able to ask for it from your friends and family. Here is where it’s also key to invoke the self-care word.  We can feel really closed in and touched out as mums and getting space for yourself, out of the house, can be a fabulous way to acknowledge your own needs and identity again. 

You’ll often hear date nights touted as the key to success. They are brilliant for reigniting a spark, but first and foremost get time for yourself.  When you learn to appreciate and love yourself and your own space again, you also have time to appreciate and desire someone else.

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You’ve just had a baby!  It’s only natural that your body, mind, relationship and sexuality are going through change. This is one of the biggest shifts in identity you’ll ever experience.  It might feel really s*** and it is.  It might feel like you’re the only one going through this, but I promise you, you’re not.  It might feel like you’ll never have sex, or want to have sex, ever again.  But for me, and I know for you, this will get better.  

Don’t suffer in silence!  This is not the age of lying back and thinking of England.  Your sensual and intimate identity matters; owning it, advocating for yourself and wanting and expecting better is a feminist act.  You deserve more for your wellbeing.