The sex files: The 10 different types of sex parents have in parenthood

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funny couple under the sheets in bed looking and peeking with surprise

It is a wonder that parents, being the exhausted, time-frazzled, uptight, rather un-sensual, snot-stained parenthood beings we become EVER have sex. But miraculously, we DO manage to do it…ok even if it is once a month. Or less. But actually, when you analyse it, you do realise that your odds of having sex in parenthood are actually a little bit more perky than you originally thought, with 10 different reasons or opportunities for having a bit of parenthood nook. Let me break them down for you here:

1. The naptime quickie

You’ve just put them down for a nap, you should be doing a bajillion other things, but your nether regions are twitching. You wonder if you’ll get away with it, will they wake up before you’ve finished the deed?…this is YOLO (you only live once) at its finest as a parent.

2. The pure desperation any time will do nooky

You feel like two born again’s been an age, something has got to give before you join a nunnery. There is no other way forward at this moment.

3. The let’s put dinner on hold frisson

Come on, wait until after dinner? When you’re going to feel as bloated as a beached whale and about as sexy as one too? Seriously, there are times when food can wait, and this is one of them.

4. The quick! they haven’t woken up yet bumble

Bloody hell, it’s 6.30am and they have not woken up insanely early for once! Do we dare? Do we dare? Will we finish? Anything is better than nothing though…right?

5. The should we? we’re staying with the grandparents secret session

Sorry if the olds are reading this but you know, that’s how we came into this world, as did our kids.

6. The it’s a date night hook up

It’s date night, the pressure is on. This could be your only chance. MAKE. IT. HAPPEN.

7. The it was just supposed to be a cuddle fadoodle

You utter the words “I’m so tired, can we just have a little lie down and cuddle?”, next thing you know, your bodies are doing the talking and you’re urm….not so tired anymore.

8. The middle of the night fornication

Do any parents ever do this, like, ever?

9. The holiday home run

You’re on holiday, the warm air and free n’ easy vibe prevailing (ok, as good as it’s going to get for a parent), and seeing as it’s as close to any form of holiday romancing you’re going to get these days, it would be rude not to.

10. The we need to make another baby copulation

Sexy as, don’t forget to do the crab afterwards!

Looks like things on the sex stakes are not as dismal as we thought…Or are they? Speak now or forever hold your peace…

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  1. Im sniggering as I read this as its reminded me of several conversations ive had with friends on this subject.
    Wait till they get to teenage years, you would think it would all get easier, but ohhh no!!

  2. Haha! Middle or the night? You’re joking, right? We don’t even waste evenings on sex so we can bag a few extra minutes or hours of sleep.
    Thanks for linking up to #fartglitter x

  3. God I wish, I’ve forgotten what a fumble is. We go to bed at different times and get up at different times. The only one we manage is the holiday home run and this holiday we’re staying with my parents, aarrrhhhh!

  4. Oh gawd it’s just so exhausting!! Gone are the days when you could take your time, right, and have a giant nap afterwards…Amen for the iPad is all I can say…. #coolmumclub

  5. Bahahaha – Talya you are hysterical. But also this is amazingly and disturbingly accurate. It’s not so dire, you just have to get creative! #coolmumclub

  6. Sheer brilliance – and incredibly true! I’m convinced that the baby monitor has a secret reverse function, which actually alerts the tots the second anything remotely jiggy could be about to occur… Thanks for the giggle (and snigger). Dawn x #coolmumclub

  7. Hahaha! Love it! After number one baby, ours was mainly 10’s. Now lucky to fit in the odd 4 if we’re feeling particularly refreshed…! Oh proper sex life, how I miss you…!

  8. Haha, I definitely need to be joining a nunnery soon I think! The ‘middle of the night fornication’ – I’m not sure I even did this before children! Enjoy my sleep far too much. Always, always get caught out with the ‘quick they haven’t woken up yet’ and the ‘nap time quickie’ seems to always end up being a super super quicky/she’s awake! – I swear they just know!!! Great post made me chuckle a lot! ๐Ÿ™‚ #coolmumclub xx

  9. Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for your comments on this post – I couldn’t keep up with replying individually after #coolmumclub so I am being a bit lame and saying a bit thank you for the love here and so happy this post tickled so many of you! x

  10. I’m not with the father of my child anymore but I do have a new partner, well he’s not really new but you get the idea, and he’s adjusted very very well to me having a child and the sex, well, lack there of sometimes. These are very on point. Number 2 and 4…. All the time in my household. Great post! Very honest. #coolmumclub

  11. Hahaha love this post. I heart sex (hence the baby) but it has been a struggle doing anything since his birth a few weeks ago. The naptime quickie happened and he woke up in the middle, he doesn’t know what he’s looking at anyway right?! I predict the grandparents house may happen too!

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