Whether it’s the loss of a grandparent, a parent, or even a beloved family pet, children not only grieve but will usually grieve very differently to adults as well as at different ages. As a parent, helping children with grief can be especially hard when often we are dealing with our own grief in the mix too. Yet we undoubtedly must be there to support them and help them cope with their own version. But how?
This National Day of Remembrance for those we have lost during Covid, Susan Nicholas, three-time author of conscious books for adults and children, international speaker, conscious life coach and author of the uplifting book, “The Death of Cupcake: A Child’s Experience with Loss,” – a children’s book exploring the intersection of grief and consciousness – shares her advice for helping children with grief.
How does grief and loss affect a child?
Loss affects a child in much the same way it affects adults. What may differ is as adults, we likely have had more exposure to death than a child and as a result, we are acutely aware of the societal and cultural norms related to death. As adults, we know what is expected of us and have seen reactions to and processes related to death that may be relatively new to a child. That said, like adults, children are emotional beings who process loss and grief in their own unique ways.
What are some of the stages of loss and grief for children?
The stages of loss experienced by children with grief are the same as the stages of grief in adults. In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described the five commonly accepted stages of loss and grief, popularly referred to as DABDA. The stages will not necessarily fall into any specific order. Similarly, not all children will experience all stages of grief.
Stage 1: Denial and Isolation
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression or Sadness
Stage 5: Acceptance
What sort of reactions might we see in children who are experiencing grief or loss?
A child will often feel shock and surprise when confronted with the death of a beloved relative, friend, or pet. Some children may believe that they had something to do with the death, wondering if perhaps, had they been better behaved, than the person or pet would still be alive. Some children may fantasize or wish for the pet or person to reappear, believing that it is possible.
Regardless of the child’s reaction or belief, provide a time for them to talk about their perspectives and beliefs, reassuring them that they are not likely responsible for the death…but you understand why they might feel that way. It is similar to a child feeling responsible for their parent’s divorce, for example. Allow your child to grief to completion answering their questions as honestly as possible and validating their feelings and beliefs.
Do children grieve differently from adults?
Children are people too and thus have awareness and feelings surrounding death as adults do.
If there are differences, they could be that a child may not yet be conditioned by society to react to death in any particular way. In light if this unfamiliarity, a child may display more genuine or organic feelings toward death by not holding back her emotions. If given the space, a child may espouse her truest feelings about the situation and may not adhere to the social norms of expression set forth by society, culture, or religion.
What are some ways we can help children with grief?
Allow your children to be heard. Listening is key. Children learn from their parents or guardians about how to behave and react and any situation, including death. Your child will look to you for social cues.
Supporting your children can look like asking them how they feel and being honest with them about your own feelings. In sharing your experience, leave an opening for children to share their personal feelings, perspectives, and even their thoughts and dreams with you.
What are some of the things we should say to children during this time?
Invite children into the conversations surrounding death and loss. Ask them about how they are feeling. Opening dialog and having a safe space to speak about loss shows your children that there is nothing to fear about it and what they feel and think matters. It may help to compare death to the cycles of the seasons or the metamorphosis of a butterfly. Explore the complexity of life with your child along with the transformation from birth to death that we all inevitably experience during our lifetimes.
And things to avoid when helping children with grief?
Avoid judging your child’s response to death or the manner in which they process the loss. Grieving is a personal and introspective process that takes on many forms and lasts for variable amounts of time. No two people can be expected to grieve in the same way at the same time. Be mindful not to miss opportunities to hear your child’s intimate thoughts and truest feelings about the loss.
If you had to give some words of encouragement to a parent whose child was experiencing grief or loss, what would it be?
Our children are resilient, just as we are, and they are strong enough to persevere through the most intimate experiences of loss. Know that shock and grief too shall pass. Leave room for robust discussions with your child and quiet times for introspection. Know that there is not a wrong or right way when it comes to grieving and that your child has perspectives of their very own that may surprise and even enlighten you.
Final thoughts
Enabling our children to share their perspectives on grief is such an important part of the healing process. Last year, right at the beginning of the pandemic, we lost my mum’s on-time partner. We talked about “Chris in the Sky” a lot, and I found that my daughter’s perspective on everything was at times not only very profound but also very enlightened.
I also wanted to share that I have also recently come across another lovely book for helping young children with grief and understanding what love and loss means – Ivy And The Rock. Written by Jess Childs, whose father took his own life and who lost her mother in the Covid pandemic. The book helps young minds make sense of life’s greatest inevitability in an honest yet child-friendly way.
Have you had any experience of helping children with grief? Do share in a comment below.
I talk about grief on my blog and the subject of grief in children is hugely important. But it is such a difficult thing to approach. This is brilliant advice, I have found books as a great tool in supporting children on this subject x
I always love when there is a book to help explain a situation to children. I find it helps to validate their feelings especially if a character feels the same way they do. As you say, it is so important that children are able to express how they are feeling when they are grieving.
We had to find the right words to be honest we struggled but they were open and asking questions so we listened and explained it the best way we knew how.
Thank you for sharing this, I have done a bit of work on it from an adults perspective for my job but as far as the boys are concerned we have been so vey lucky. However we know that day will come and I am sure this post will help us and many others.