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When you have an anxious child, or a child experiencing some level of anxiety, what we say or do as parents can have a huge impact on how they are feeling when they are experiencing big emotions. Of course as parents we all want to be able to help an anxious child. However, sometimes – especially when we are dealing with our own problems and emotions – it can be hard to know the right words to say to comfort them and diffuse or help them manage their anxiety.

If you are a parent of an anxious child looking to support your child with the right words, here we are sharing some helpful words and phrases to use whether they are crying, angry, needing boundaries or when we have messed up as parents courtesy of the  Institute of Child Psychology’s Children’s Mental Health Symposium.

How to help an anxious child feel safe

When a child feels safe with you, they are able to lower their defenses and are truly give voice to the feelings inside. Children learn that they will be held and unconditionally loved as they experience all the different facets of life.

If a child does not feel safe and learns that only certain emotions are acceptable, the more difficult emotions are stuffed down. These children struggle with feeling psychologically safe and end up disconnecting from the most vulnerable parts of themselves. Research now shows us that emotional constriction can lead to a host of psychological and physical issues that persist throughout the lifespan.

It is important to remember that guiding your child through emotional experiences does not mean parenting without limits. We can honour feelings AND have clear, consistent boundaries with our children. Children who do not have boundaries often feel unanchored, and unsafe with a pervasive underlying theme of not being cared for.

The language we use with our children becomes their inner voice. As adults in a child’s world, we play a pivotal role in determining how a child perceives themselves and others. It can be tricky in those tumultuous moments to remember what to say – particularly if we are having a hard time calming our own heart rate and breathing!

Words and phrases for when your anxious child is struggling

Phrases for when your child is angry

• “I hear you”
• “You feel really upset right now”
• “You really wanted (brief recap on what the child wanted) . . .”
• “This is a big feeling”
• “Your heart is beating really fast”
• “You didn’t feel like that was fair”
• “I’m right here”
• “You are safe”
• “It scared you when I raised my voice” “You’re so frustrated”
• “It makes you mad when I”

Phrases for when your child is crying

When children cry, many adults automatically want to stop the tears. Again, when we stop the tears, we not only halt the emotional process, but thwart any learning that could have emerged from the experience. Very often, even just silently holding a safe space for a child speaks volumes.

These short phrases can help a child who is needing an anchor:

• “I’m listening”
• “You’re really sad”
• “You’re heart hurts”
• “This is so hard”
• “I’m here to help you”
• “I understand”
• “You wish it was different”
• “I love you”
• “That was a hard day”
• “It really does suck”
• “It’s okay to cry”
• “I’ll be right here for as long as you need me”

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Phrases for when your child needs limits or boundaries

All children need limits. Limits help children to navigate their world and to feel safe and cared for. The following this simple formula created by Gary Landreth:

Acknowledge the feeling. Communicate a limit. Target an Alternative.

Here are some examples:

• Acknowledge the feeling >>>> “You are mad right now”
• Communicate a limit >>>> “But the sofa is not for jumping on”
• Target an alternative >>>> “Let’s go outside together”
• Acknowledge the feeling >>>> “You are so frustrated with your sister”
• Communicate the limit >>>> “But your sister’s book is not for destroying”
• Target an alternative >>>> “You can rip up this paper instead”

At times, when a child is aggressive, we may need to put a limit in first.

• Communicate a limit >>>> “Mummy is not for hitting”
• Acknowledge a feeling >>>> “You are mad that playtime is over”
• Communicate a limit >>>> “Mommy is not for hitting”
• Target an alternative >>>> “You can hit this pillow instead”

Phrases for when we mess up as parents

Many adults have a difficult time apologizing to children fearing that it will make them seem weak or ineffective. Apologizing to our children has the opposite effect: it teaches authenticity, vulnerability, and courage….the three pillars of resiliency. We lead by example.

Here are some phrases to use when we need to apologize to our kids:

• “Mummy/Daddy is sorry”
• “I really messed up”
• “It’s not okay for me to yell like that”
• “When I xxxx , it scared you; that’s not ok”
• “What can I do to make this right?”
• “Mum/ Dad has to really focus on using a calm voice”
• “You were counting on me. I’m sorry”
• “I love you and I will make this right”
• “I hear you”
• “It’s my job to make you feel safe, loved, and heard. I’m sorry”

We hope you find these child anxiety resources useful. Please let us know if you try any of these tools and techniques in a comment below.

Images by rawpixel.com, and Ivan Samkov via pexels