20 things I would go back and tell my pregnant self

Pregnant woman with card
I loved being pregnant – absolutely LOVED it. When in your first ever pregnancy the thing that is so gloriously wonderful about it is just how utterly and blissfully ignorant you are of what’s around the corner in parenthood. But now, every time I see a pregnant lady – blossoming in her first roundness and unaware of what’s about to unfold in parenthood – I just kinda want to…well, grab her and shake her! And say hey, do you know what’s about to come!!!? Much in the same way as I’d like to go back and do exactly that to myself, and while I’m there, say the following things….

  1. Despite whatever you may think – and sorry to burst your bubble here…you will not be a boho mum! You may think you’re going to be popping your baby in a sling and go festival hopping all summer but my response to that is this: BAHAHAHAHA!
  2. Sorry sister, but you will not make motherhood look like a peace of piss. You think you’re going to breeze through it like you were just made for this job? Are you some kind of mentalist?
  3. Don’t shoot the messenger…but you are not about to be living in one big bubble of love. Trust me…you are going to want to kill your other half a thousand times over. You can blame your hormones for that.
  4. Your sleep is about to be reduced by 800 per cent. Nope sorry, that’s an underestimation. More like 1000 per cent.
  5. Living on the other side of the world is about to become as useful as selling a snake shoes. Pack up and get on a flight home now!
  6. Your maternity leave will feel shorter than a hobbit. Three months might seem adequate to you, but talk to me again once you’ve squeezed that baby out!
  7. You are about to become the most hormone-incense bat shit crazy lady. Run for coverrrrrrrr!
  8. You will, mark my words, think having a baby is the most wondrous thing, that is until around about 3 weeks in when sleep deprivation is going to come and bite you on the ass like a boomerang.
  9. Take every opportunity to pamper yourself now – facials, massages, pedis, manis, wallowing in the bath – I’m talking THE WORKS – rinse everything you can now because you can kiss all that lovely self indulgent stuff goodbye very soon indeed.
  10. Everybody might be looking at your lovely bump and glowing self now but I can tell you nothing will be glowing about yourself once the baby arrives other than a big neon sign above your help stating I NEED SLEEP.
  11. Enjoy feeling horny as an old goat now because you’re going to be feeling about as sexy as a car insurance advert soon.
  12. Childbirth. A bit like someone taking your top lip and pulling it over your entire body. That. Is. All.
  13. Where do you think all that skin stretched around your lovely belly is going to go? Disappear into the ether? Hell no! Prepare yourself for the first time you look down after D Day…
  14. Stop rushing around before your due date. Trust me, you are going to be rushing around for the foreseeable once you become a mum.
  15. You may feel silly about massaging yourself “down there” but trust me, you are going to feel a lot more than just silly if you don’t…
  16. If you think your boobs look like sweaty watermelons now, just you wait…
  17. Well done, pat on the back, getting pregnant was the easy bit. Now for the real test…
  18. The baby’s bleating sounds only sound charming for around the first 48 hours and word up: it only ever gets louder…
  19. Warning! Warning! You think you’re just going to pop the baby on the boob and the magic will happen. Eeeeeek! Not all mums are equal on this front…
  20. Look up the words identity and crisis in the dictionary. You’re about to have one….

What would you go back and tell your pregnant self? Any or all of the above? Or more..?

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  1. Ha what a great topic, and yes to so many of these. My main thing is I would tell myself to stop trying to control everything since you’re about to lose control anyway.The baby dictates how your day goes, not you lol

  2. Haha, so funny and true. I don’t think I’d have had the heart to hear all the as a pregnant lady though, I prefer ‘ignorance is bliss’!

  3. This is so accurate that it’s scary! When you’re pregnant you think you have it all worked out and that your baby will be the one who doesn’t scream down the place when shopping…. Wrong! All wrong. We have all been there. Fantastic post!


  4. lol this is so true! With the first child we are totally clueless as to what lies ahead! No one tells you until you have the baby! It’s definitely super stressful on a marriage too, along with all the lack of sleep! x

    • Yup it’s literally like the minute you pop (or not so much pop) the first baby out all the veils of secrecy are lifted! Got a blog post coming up on why that is soon…! x

  5. I am the proud mother of a 14 day old baby girl who has only just gone down to sleep after around 12 hours of non-stop bitty feeds / crying / writhing about / popping on and off the boob / falling asleep for all of two minutes only to start the cycle again. And for much of this time I’ve been wondering why on earth no one gives you the heads up that this is normal and to be expected! Seriously, a bit of fore-warning would have helped me out loads when this first happened so I wasn’t so freaked out in the middle of the night wondering what I was suddenly doing wrong. And what I’d tell my pregnant self? Something along the lines of ‘yes, you want a baby more than anything, yes you will no doubt be a good mum, but NO WAY are you going to find this easy – accept that now and save yourself lots of heart-ache (and generally feeling a bit stupid) later’! Thank goodness for fab midwives, I may have gone mad without their on-going support and reassurance these past couple of weeks.

  6. I am still traumatised by the post belly thing. I remember lying on my back after squeezing him out, and thinking, yeah thats cool, it doesnt look too bad. Then I rolled on my side, and it all flopped on the bed beside me like some hideous alien skin..euugghh…..

  7. Hehe! Agree with most but I just say, I kind of am a Boho mum! But I admit I must be a minority! I totally would tell myself not to rush about before giving birth. It was pointless and just wore me out completely! I’d also refrain from googling everything all the time!! #twinklytuesday

  8. Hell yes! Ha ha! All of this and totally hearing the lack of sleep by 100%! Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

  9. Love this and agree with most of it although I hated being pregnant both times which is why I’m sticking at two children!
    Plus having two caesareans my body is now shot to shit and recovery was HARD.

    I was really angry with friends who had children when my eldest got to about 4 months old because I couldn’t believe that they hadn’t told me how hard it was. I’d been a nanny, eldest of 5 (I was 18 when my lil’ sis was born) and thought that I was pretty clued up. How wrong I was…

    But saying that I LOVE being a mum to my boys and wouldn’t change a thing. Actually that’s a lie, I’d change their crap sleeping habits.


  10. Bahahaha – this is another hilarious post! Love it! I was a bit the other way round though. My first pregnancy was a nightmare. I threw up about 30 times a day for the whole nine months. Hated every second. The silver lining of that was once I had the baby everything was better. Even with sleep deprivation, I’ve never felt as bad as that since and hope I never will! #coolmumclub

  11. Love this. I know what you mean about wanting to grab smiley pregnant people and warn them! But I suppose that is just cruel. Though maybe setting expectations is a good thing….!!! #coolmumclub

  12. Haha so true! Every single point, sorry to any pregnant ladies reading this… Do you now see why we all say to sleep, sleep, rest and read books? Hehe a fab post as always #coolmumclub

  13. Hahaha! It would have been handy for me to read this post pre Baby Girl. I didn’t enjoy pregnancy and I couldn’t wait to give birth. I sure was in for a rude shock! I still struggle with point 5. Oh gosh how I estimated becoming a mum with my own mum living on the other side of the world x #coolmumclub

  14. Ah yes, wouldn’t it be nice!? V funny and true. Hmm I’d tell myself to not put myself under pressure; that I should expect nothing more than to survive in the first few weeks; and that I may not be not be full of unbelievable joy and THAT’S OK. Oh and I definitely would have whispered ‘Kegel exercises’ into my ear too! #coolmumclub

  15. Mine would totally be “Don’t be set on your birth plan” – It ent gunna happen the way you want it to!
    I was adamant with my first that there was no way in hell I was going to have an epidural, I wanted it to be as natural as possible and I’d read some scary stuff about epidurals too. Most mums I spoke to said, ‘you wait till you’re in there, trust me, you’ll want it’ and the more they said that, the more determined I was that I wasn’t gunna have it.
    Guess what!? I had an epidural, but not only that, the needle moved and it didn’t work so they had to re do it! so I had 2!! 2 bloody epidurals after swearing I wouldn’t have 1!!

  16. Hahaha oh this is so true!! All of it! I hated being pregnant but it’s a breeze compared to motherhood! Right there with you on number 3… and number 7… And number 13 had me I stitches! Couldn’t have put it better myself! Xxx

  17. Pahahahaahahahaaaaa! Point 12 = Genius.

    I’d just add one more nugget of advice… to read past the birth. I focused so much on pregnancy, and preparing to pop my sprog out that I completely neglected to find out what happened after birth.

  18. haha this had me chuckling all the way through. I remember when someone (crazy person) took their one week old baby to Glastonbury last year and I remember thinking (whilst pregnant) that it was great – more people should be like that. And then I had Taylor and thought wtf??? How the hell did they manage that?? Also , I never once gave any thought about what happens to your skin once there’s no baby behind it…I remember having a shower at the hospital and just being a little disturbed! #coolmumclub

  19. Ha ha car insurance advert! Nearly wet myself. Because weak bladder. Oh there’s one you didn’t mention! And the looking down lol. Ah yes…and then some of us have had 3 c-sections so not only is there loose skin there’s also: The. Shelf.
    And 14…oh my word…when my sister was just a couple of weeks away from her due date, I just wanted to shake her (well okay I wouldn’t have shaken a pregnant woman). I tried without success to explain that these were the last few weeks of life as she knew it and she just needed to sit the f**k down! Told. Her. So.

  20. Oh so YES YES YES!!!! It’s such a smug, safe little cocoon of first pregnancy and than holy hell, batman, we have a situation. Life is shaken and stirred and then blended. And then…I went back for more…. Great piece! #coolmumclub

  21. Bwahahahahaha…Brilliant! I could so relate to every single one! What I would tell myself would be BURN those parenting books because 1) my kids were never what they say kids should be and 2) I thought my kids had all the illnesses and symptoms in that darn book! And yah, baby wearing takes practice BEFORE baby arrives…it’s not a natural mothering instinct – especially those sling ones! Coming from #coolmumclub & #abitofeverything

  22. Yes to all of them, but especially 1 and 19!!! I’m glad for you that you enjoyed being pregnant, I hated every second from the moment the stick showed a plus sign!!!! It’s the biggest reason I had my babies so close together, because I knew if I left it more than 6 months before I was pregnant again, I’d never do it! I’d tell my pre-pregnant self that no amount of going to the gym was going to shift the post baby bulk, it was there to stay… And to get rid of all my favourite dresses immediately, instead of keeping them to torture myself with now! Great post!

  23. Love it! Such a fab post! Although if someone had told my pregnant self that I would of nodded and said ‘yes yes I know I’m going to be tired its going to be hard I know’. Well turns out I didn’t know the meaning of the word tired or hard for that matter, until my little bundle of joy came along! #coolmumclub

  24. […] out the hat is from Motherhood The Real Deal 20 Things I Would Go Back And Tell My Pregnant Self. This is a no nonsense list of things she wishes her pregnant self knew including things such as […]

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