I loved being pregnant – absolutely LOVED it. When in your first ever pregnancy the thing that is so gloriously wonderful about it is just how utterly and blissfully ignorant you are of what’s around the corner in parenthood. But now, every time I see a pregnant lady – blossoming in her first roundness and unaware of what’s about to unfold in parenthood – I just kinda want to…well, grab her and shake her! And say hey, do you know what’s about to come!!!? Much in the same way as I’d like to go back and do exactly that to myself, and while I’m there, say the following things….
- Despite whatever you may think – and sorry to burst your bubble here…you will not be a boho mum! You may think you’re going to be popping your baby in a sling and go festival hopping all summer but my response to that is this: BAHAHAHAHA!
- Sorry sister, but you will not make motherhood look like a peace of piss. You think you’re going to breeze through it like you were just made for this job? Are you some kind of mentalist?
- Don’t shoot the messenger…but you are not about to be living in one big bubble of love. Trust me…you are going to want to kill your other half a thousand times over. You can blame your hormones for that.
- Your sleep is about to be reduced by 800 per cent. Nope sorry, that’s an underestimation. More like 1000 per cent.
- Living on the other side of the world is about to become as useful as selling a snake shoes. Pack up and get on a flight home now!
- Your maternity leave will feel shorter than a hobbit. Three months might seem adequate to you, but talk to me again once you’ve squeezed that baby out!
- You are about to become the most hormone-incense bat shit crazy lady. Run for coverrrrrrrr!
- You will, mark my words, think having a baby is the most wondrous thing, that is until around about 3 weeks in when sleep deprivation is going to come and bite you on the ass like a boomerang.
- Take every opportunity to pamper yourself now – facials, massages, pedis, manis, wallowing in the bath – I’m talking THE WORKS – rinse everything you can now because you can kiss all that lovely self indulgent stuff goodbye very soon indeed.
- Everybody might be looking at your lovely bump and glowing self now but I can tell you nothing will be glowing about yourself once the baby arrives other than a big neon sign above your help stating I NEED SLEEP.
- Enjoy feeling horny as an old goat now because you’re going to be feeling about as sexy as a car insurance advert soon.
- Childbirth. A bit like someone taking your top lip and pulling it over your entire body. That. Is. All.
- Where do you think all that skin stretched around your lovely belly is going to go? Disappear into the ether? Hell no! Prepare yourself for the first time you look down after D Day…
- Stop rushing around before your due date. Trust me, you are going to be rushing around for the foreseeable once you become a mum.
- You may feel silly about massaging yourself “down there” but trust me, you are going to feel a lot more than just silly if you don’t…
- If you think your boobs look like sweaty watermelons now, just you wait…
- Well done, pat on the back, getting pregnant was the easy bit. Now for the real test…
- The baby’s bleating sounds only sound charming for around the first 48 hours and word up: it only ever gets louder…
- Warning! Warning! You think you’re just going to pop the baby on the boob and the magic will happen. Eeeeeek! Not all mums are equal on this front…
- Look up the words identity and crisis in the dictionary. You’re about to have one….
What would you go back and tell your pregnant self? Any or all of the above? Or more..?
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