There’s no denying that this has been a roller-coaster month – health issues, family issues, buying our first home issues, teething issues, terrible twos issues…the list goes on.
I am not usually one to break down and cry but the sum of the above has meant I have done so twice this month, both times in front of my little girl.
I came from a family where tears and high emotion were a daily, if not hourly occurrence, and had vowed to create an environment of relative calm for our little girl. But we are all human – nobody’s perfect and sometimes things slip. Twice.
On both occasions, as soon as I had started blubbering, I hugely regretted doing so in front of our almost two year old, which in turn made me blubber even more.
The first time her reaction went from total what the fuck is going on, to sympathy crying, to laughing at this newly discovered game. And then it all blew over.
The second time was more heart wrenching for me because it was her bedtime – always a special time together as all parents will agree. The more I tried to hide the fact I was crying behind bedtime stories, the more the guilt bubbled up, the worse the crying became. As I tried not to hyperventilate we just cuddled and read through the final moments of bedtime as my daughter remained uncharacteristically quiet.
I absolutely hated myself for it but just could not control my reaction to what had happened only minutes before her bedtime. I don’t know if or how this affected her, but couldn’t shrug the notion that it had taken her much longer to fall asleep than usual as I anxiously observed her on the cam.
Now on refection, I realize this – we all cry, it’s ok to cry, and it’s a product of a natural human emotion. While at the time I felt crying in front of my little girl was not a good thing, I realize now that perhaps, it served a purpose – to not only teach her about human emotions but also that her mum is mortal and I have bad days and moments.
What I DO regret, having been so taken aback by my vulnerable state on both occasions, is explaining to her WHY I was crying. There is a chance that on both occasions, she will have thought that my emotions were about her (because you know, with toddlers, it’s all about them right?), which couldn’t have been further from the truth.
So next time everything gets too much, I’m going to tell myself it’s ok to cry in front of her, but just remind myself to let her in on why exactly I’m crying.
Do you ever cry in front of your children? Are you ok with it? How do you handle it? Please do share…
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