Once you get over the initial fear of becoming a mother, motherhood then comes along and waves a whole bunch of other fears you never could have possibly conceived even existed in the first instance in your face….just to add insult to your already…aherm… injured self. So what are these eight new fears of motherhood you can be sure that we will all experience at one time or another? Let me break them down for you here….
FONBCA = Fear Of Not Being Cool Anymore
Never cool in the first place – hurrah for you! You can hop along to the next fear though. But for those of you who liked to think you were a bit “cool” in your pre-motherhood days, if there was ever a time when you will feel totally uncool it’s in motherhood. Because nope, there is nothing cool about the life of a mother….stained smeared, acting like a headless chicken in a state of constant fast forward, and going to bed at 8.30pm because quite frankly, you’ve had enough of today. This fear is really real man!
FOFUMK = Fear of F***ing Up My Kids
Hands up if you’re constantly worrying that your actions or words are messing up your kids? Woah there – it’s like a never ending sea of hands out there! Are they going to turn into despicable narcissists from us over indulging them as parents? Are they going to be absolutely useless in the real world because we couldn’t step back and let them get on with it? Are they going to be rocking in a corner forever more because basically you just did what you thought was best at the time? Welcome to a seemingly never ending barrel full of fears to which you can just go ahead and help yourself too because there is just SO MUCH of this lot to go round!
FOHNF = Fear of Having No Friends
Friends? Friends? Everywhere you look it looks like people are busy friending, and having the time of their lives all over the shop….they’re beaming in Starbucks, they’re frolicking on Facebook….LOOK AT EVERYONE AND THEIR FRIENDS on bloody social media! And then the next thought usually goes: Sob!….where have all my friends gone?
FONBP = Fear of Not Being Perfect
Those of you who read this blog regularly know what I think about trying to be a perfect mum…that it is a bucket of utter s***. Yet even though most of us with two brain cells to rub together know this to be true, there is still that ridiculously sentiment that rises up inside us all (myself included!) fueled by our innate insecurities (damn them!) which leaves us wondering how everyone else can be so seemingly perfect when we are fatally flawed. You know what they say….perfection is the disease of a nation so this is one fear we should definitely put in a box somewhere and throw away the key to forever more!
FODT = Fear of Dinner Time
Ahhhh dinner time…otherwise known as the most hellish part of the day. You have no idea what to cook for dinner, somebody always hates what you end up cooking, everyone is tired, grumpy and that generally leads to some kind of living dinner hell! As the hours count down to dinner time, you feel the angst rising up inside you like an endless crescendo until you can’t take it anymore….and of course…the only course of action is now to dull that crescendo with a nice big glass of wine….which is why wine o’clock in my house so nicely ties in with….5 o’clock.
FOLYS = Fear or Losing Your Sexy
Hey! Hey! Did you see my sexy? I last saw it…somewhere over there…about three to five years ago before I had kids. I’m sure it’s still there somewhere, if you look hard enough. Or maybe…if you don’t look hard enough at my withered boobs or wrinkly tummy. In fact, just turn the light out and if we fumble around enough we might just stumble upon it somewhere in the dark.
FOM = Fear of Mortification
Kids…you can’t take them anywhere without the possibility of a public humiliation. Embarrassing tantrums, obscenely inappropriate comments about elderly upstanding citizens and general behaviour that makes you look like an utter MAD WOMAN. Better just stay inside today and reduce all odds of that happening…because what happens in these four walls stays in these four walls.
FOBSTICF = Fear of Being So Tired I Can’t Function
And now for the biggest fear of them all. One day, you’re just going to be so tired that your brain falls out of your ear and can never get back inside your head again just like that – KABOOM!. And then you will all rue the day you were born, sproglets.
I’m thinking we could add a lot more to this fear list. Feel free to have a free for all in the comment section below!
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