For many parents, bedtime can be a challenge, especially if their child cannot fall asleep without them. If you’re currently stuck in the “my child can’t sleep without me” conundrum know that while some children may outgrow this behaviour, for others, it can persist for years, causing disruptions in the family’s sleep patterns and affecting the child’s ability to develop healthy sleep habits.
In this article, we will explore some of the reasons why some children can’t sleep without their parents and what parents can do to help their child overcome this behaviour with award-winning certified sleep coach Sam Sadighi of Easy Sleep Solutions.
***
Habits are a lot easier to make than break – I think as adults, we’ve possibly all learnt this the hard way! Many parents find themselves stuck in a “my child can’t sleep without me” situation. Staying with our children as they fall asleep or letting them climb into bed with us in the middle of the night is one habit that can be really easy to slip into. While I don’t think I know any adults who still insist one of their parents sit by their bed as they fall asleep, when we’re in the moment it can feel like it’s never going to stop!
When our little ones need us, it’s natural that we just want to be there for them. And of course, it’s no different when it comes to bedtime. Although, often there are a million and one other things we feel we should be doing, even if it is collapsing on the sofa in an exhausted heap!
How it starts
Chances are, it started innocently enough – maybe they weren’t feeling very well, or they were upset about something, so it was easier to just do as they asked and stay with them or let them snuggle into bed with you. And let’s face it, it’s pretty nice to have those extra cuddles (unless they start squirming around like a drunken octopus!).
And when we’re tired, it’s always easiest to take the path of least resistance, I get it! I’m a Mum myself!
I’ve worked with families for this very reason, who have been on the brink of divorce because of a child sleeping in their bed or the lack of time they get to spend together ‘child-free’ in the evenings. I appreciate this is pretty extreme, but, I probably come across it more than you might think.
Feelings of resentment
As I say, it can be a lovely chance to spend some extra quality time with our little people. However, often we can’t help feeling like there are a trillion and one other things we should be doing. And that’s where a touch of resentment can start creeping in. Clock watching, hoping they’ll go to sleep quickly so that you can get all the jobs done so you might actually get a bit of an evening to yourself before it’s time for you to start getting ready for bed yourself. Or waking up and realising that it’s not just you and your partner in your bed…again!
Breaking the “my child can’t sleep without me” habit
So, how can you get out of the habit of sitting with your child while they fall asleep, or stop them from coming into your bed in the middle of the night?
Well, one way is to just stop doing it, although, you may well have already tried that, and been greeted with more than a little protest? Or maybe you haven’t tried, just in anticipation of the protest?
Never fear, there are a few tried and tested methods you could try. It can depend on your child’s personality, and of course their age, so let’s break down a few ideas…
Sitting by the bed
If you find you’re having to sit or lie with your child in order for them to fall asleep, you could try staying with them for a few minutes, then telling them you’ve forgotten something, but you’ll be right back. Pop out of the room, and come back a couple of minutes later. See how they react. Then, do the same thing a few minutes later. The key is, to keep going back to them. Yes, it can feel pretty exhausting to begin with, but, the idea is that eventually, they fall asleep without you being in the room. Keep doing this over the course of a few days, extending the amount of time you’re out of the room.
Wanderers
If you find that you frequently wake in the morning and find a tiny person in your bed, although you have no idea how they got there, one idea is to put a bell on your door handle, so you hear them open the door. Then, guide them gently back to bed. I’ll admit, this can be tough, especially if they’ve not been waking you when they come in! But by repeating the action of taking them back to bed, they should soon understand that you mean business.
Bribery/rewards
Another trick for either of the problems is resorting to good old bribery! Depending on their age, a reward chart can work well. They can get a star for each night they fall asleep on their own or stay in their own bed. Or, if you feel they’re a bit old for reward charts, simply tell them if they sleep independently for a whole week, they can have a treat.
Of course, the treat is entirely up to you. Younger children tend to need instant gratification, so something the following morning, whether it’s a sticker or chocolate spread on toast for example. Whereas older children can often wait a few days for their prize, so it could be that you’ll cook their favourite breakfast at the weekend or you’ll take them to a coffee shop for their favourite drink.
The reward doesn’t need to be anything fancy, just something that appeals to them and something that will remain a ‘golden carrot’ for long enough to break the habit.
Once they have got into the swing of things, you can start phasing them out.
These are just a few examples. But whatever you decide to do, my main advice would be to be consistent. If they can see you’re wavering, or you succumb to their requests just once, you may well find yourself back at square one, needing to start all over again. I know, consistency can be tough, especially when there are other things going on, but it will pay off!
If you enjoyed this post, please consider supporting this site by buying us a virtual coffee.
