I am absolutely cartwheeling with excitement, and making sure there are two bottles of prosecco chilling, instead of the standard one, to be writing this guest post for the amazing Motherhood: The Real Deal, and equally fabulous Mama Mim. They are two of my ultimate blogging heroes, and being allowed to have my words set foot on their pages, will go down in history as a TML highlight!
Right, My 5 Things. As I constantly ponder how life was before children, and how I expected I would be performing in my life’s ultimate starring role as Super Parent (*coughs and ahems whilst surveying the house which is a tip, and the cupboard filled with bribe treats*) and how I also continue to be overly optimistic with how well I’m going to do in this role, the role that karma has played in these ponderings frantically sprang to mind. Therefore, I thought it’d be nice (and hopefully funny to others,) to share the five most prolific times that karma came galloping around the corner, and bit this mummy hard on the bum!
Waaaaay Before We Had Children
So, we’d be off to meet our friends on a Saturday night. We’d have napped most of the afternoon, having had a massive lay in already that morning. When it came to getting ready, we’d sit on the bed drinking wine, listening to loud music. We’d also have had little digs at our friends with children, who had dictated the time we met, and where we met (why did it have to be so close to where they lived? Why did they have to arrive so late? Couldn’t the babysitter put the children to bed??) So clearly, Karma swooped in as soon as we had our own children, all dark and moody, annoyed that we had dared to naively dig at our friends, and gave us Deep Thinker, who will ONLY be put to bed by my husband, and Mini Assassin, who will ONLY be put to bed by me. They will also only be settled by said favourite parent, should they wake up of an evening. Thus, karma dictates that now, our friends can’t have a dig at us for dictating where we go, or that it be close to our house, instead, they can just forget about us entirely, because we are too frightened to go out, ever….!!
So pretty much my whole life, (well, as soon as I was aware that being pregnant might change your body,) I was going to be one of those people who pinged straight back into shape. Of course I would be, the baby would come out, and my tummy would be flat, yes? And if this wasn’t the case for other women, they had definitely taken to ‘eating for 2,’ (clearly not necessary.) Well, karma was on this one like a rat up a drainpipe. I was horrified, yes horrified, to find that I had put on 3 stone post baby. But, I ate sensibly all the way through? But, I forced myself to run on a treadmill until I was 7 months pregnant? But, I was still running around doing 14 hour shifts until the week before he came out? HOW COULD THIS BE?? Not content with that, once the initial sack of spuds tummy had started to deflate, karma then decided that for being such a judgmental dufus, I was to be given a large roll of skin on my belly, that will never shrink or go away, and be a permanent reminder of my douche baggery.
I had friends who had total weaning nightmares. Babies who refused solids, and seemed to despise anything solid going their way, for months on end. I had friends who quickly realised their children had intolerances to a lot of foods, and had the pain of checking every single thing that went in their mouths, to the letter. My baby, however, ate everything. He gobbled up my beautifully blended purees, at the times Annabel Karmel dictated he should have them. Then he moved on to positively delighting in a fish pie, or vegetable lasagne, with a side of extra veg to chew on, while I tidied up. I didn’t openly delight in my victory, because I did hate seeing my friends struggle, but I did marvel at my perfectly weaned child, his obvious innate love of fruit and vegetables (he gets it from me!!) and wondered if I should contact Nigella, and tell her she was out of a job-my cooking prowess was obviously up there with the best of them. But of course, Karma was having none of this. Karma loved wiping the smile from my face, by making my child reduce his diet to include only 3 things:
Cheerios on the rocks (dry, no milk.)
Cheerios with a side of peanut butter.
Cheerio dust (crushed ones from the floor.)
An occasional foraged raisin from the floor may also occasionally make its way in there, just to mix things up a bit.
When my first child was so beautifully placid
My first baby was the definition of chilled. Open a dictionary, look at ‘chilled,’ and there he’d be! Anywhere I took him, he played quietly, and was never intrusive to anyone else’s activity. I’d get so upset if another child hit or pushed him, because he always looked so shocked and wounded. Under my breath, I’d be cursing the parent, and wondering how they’d managed to raise such a monster. Of course, by thinking that, I was basically opening my arms to Karma, and inviting it to do its worst. As a result of giving other mums my best resting bitch face when their child hurt mine, Karma sent us baby number 2, who isn’t nicknamed Mini Assassin for nothing… He bites. He scratches. He kicks. If there is a scuffle, and a child is left is running towards its mother screaming like its being chased by the devil itself, I know that Mini Assassin will be the perpetrator of the crime. 2 boys, the same parents, and both so wildly different in personality it’s hard to believe. Now I just feel massive sympathy for any mum whose child hurts another, and is getting a hard time from the other mums. Karma has definitely seen to that.
Thinking about the future…
So I have 2 children. When I think about how hard the last 3 years have been, I don’t want any more. The last 3 years have seen my relationship with my husband and friends change so dramatically, at times I struggled to recognise them. It’s seen a battle with PND, and on ongoing struggle with anxiety and self worth. It’s seen me pore over what I feel are my parenting mistakes, and beat myself up over my parenting regrets. But Karma has other ideas… Karma sees a new born baby, and makes me want to sniff its head, and squeeze its cheeks. Karma pinches my ovaries, and kicks my uterus, and whispers in my ear that I want this, I can do this. At the moment I’m beating Karma, but you’ve seen what it can do… We’ll just have to wait and see what Karma has in store!
Well I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my 5 things! Remember-Karma is always watching, and is always ready to swoop in and make you see the error of your ways!