There has been a lot of talk lately about the impact of the pandemic on our children’s mental health, and while of course YES that is so very important, there is somebody else’s mental health that is just important – and that is yours, the parent. As we enter into this new phase of allegedly “post-pandemic life“, where the demands and pressures of life seem to have suddenly escalated beyond belief, taking care of your mental health as a parent has never been more vital.
So today, we’re taking a deep dive on the topic of taking care of your mental health as a parent with Louise Hoffman-Brooks of Parenting Success, our resident parenting expert and coach. She will help us understand why taking care of your mental health as a parent is so critical to not just our wellbeing, but also our children’s. She will also outline some practical tips on how we can take care of our mental health as parents, and when what time we have to ourselves can feel very limited in this parent life.
Why is taking care of your own mental health as a parent so important?
One of the biggest surprises when becoming a parent, is how intimately connected we are to our child. We might think that we can get away with hiding some of our bad habits or coping strategies that we would not like to pass on to our kids.
But the truth is, our children sense us what’s going on for us whether we want them to or not.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids, therefore, is to become aware of where our own pain points so that our children do not feel responsible for our mental health.
How can poor mental health affect your parenting/impact your child?
As a parent, we become our child’s first and most important template for how to love and be loved and how to make sense of the world around us.
If, growing up, we felt rejected by our peers or our own parents, we might bring into our role as parents a core belief that we are unlovable. This wound will easily get scratched when our child invariable rejects us or fails to acknowledge all of the loving things that we do.
Similarly, if in order to feel safe in your childhood, you had to be hyper-vigilant, it can feel hard as a parent to trust that things are going to be fine without you working hard to control the uncontrollable. This can result in tiresome power struggles with your child who is fighting for autonomy and will not be coerced.
What are some signs that your mental health needs some special attention?
Mental health is not the absence of fear, sadness or anger. In fact, mental health refers to how we relate to these human experiences and difficult emotions.
If, when we are angry, we erupt in unpredictable ways and cannot stop ourselves from inflicting pain whether to ourselves or to others emotionally or physically, it is clear that we have a problematic relationship with anger. And often, more to the point, a problematic relationship with the emotion that anger is trying to defend against – which is often fear, sadness or vulnerability.
When you find that you react and behave in ways that do not serve you and are not in line with your values, but you feel unable to change through sheer willpower, it is a sign that your mental health needs some TLC:
- Perhaps you find your worrying is leading you to deny the child experiences that you know would benefit them.
- Perhaps your anxiety is leading you to engage in behaviours such as -over (or under) eating, excessive drinking or controlling behaviours.
- Or you find that the things you used to enjoy no longer give you any pleasure.
Another way that our own mental health can be reflected back to us is by looking at our own child.
Our child’s excessive worrying or extreme anger might mirror back to us an uncomfortable truth that there is something about our own emotional landscape that deserves some loving attention.
How can we stop our mental health from spiralling down?
Family life is often lived 100mph and while we might have developed a tolerance and system for high speed, the cost is often a weak connection to ourselves, therefore to those around us. Speed kills connection.
Because many of us have had little to no role modelling in the way of relating compassionately to ourselves and our own overwhelm, we easily push our feelings down and run faster or take our feelings out on those we love the most.
We throw ourselves into our work – seeking escape from the chaos of the home life. Or we make our children’s happiness so important that in the process we forget about our own needs and longings.
But returning to ourselves is never as far as we imagine. It is ultimately a deep breath away. From this more centred place we can check in with ourselves:
What emotion is my inner thermostat set to lately?
When we feel out of kilter, we do not have a great urge to check in with ourselves and slowing down, even if just for a moment, can feel deeply uncomfortable. Because what bubbles up might not be what we want to address;
You might notice that you are sad or lonely a lot of the time. Or that you feel angry and easily riled.
When we ask ourselves these questions, we will notice that our mind will offer us endless reasons for our emotional state:
“It’s because the kids are fighting all the time”
“I’m always having to be the bad cop”
While this might be true, a far more productive question to begin with is:
“What do I need?”
- Rest
- More fun
- More connection
- Stimulation
- More meaning
- Help
There is no right or wrong answer to this question but whatever comes up is your opportunity to begin to give yourself permission to have more of that.
When time is limited, what are some easy ways we can give our mental health a boost?
Grand gestures are rarely needed in boosting our mental health and giving us a greater sense of joy. It is the daily habits, routines and priorities that we build into our every day that serves as buoyancy aids and helps us feel more alive.
If possible, consider making your mornings the part of the day you look forward to.
This can be done by waking before the family, spending anything from 10-20 minutes enjoying a quiet moment, a hot drink or a mini-meditation.
The body is the fastest way to regulate our nervous system and when we prioritise moving our body on a daily basis and getting some fresh air, we are giving ourselves a major reset.
Listening to an uplifting podcast, chatting to a friend or having an engaging conversation with a work colleague – serve to giving us a sense of connection and meaning.
Most of us have a tendency to over-complicate things and will likely overlook the most obvious reasons for our low state; poor sleep, bad diet or too much stress.
What are some things we need to remind ourselves of when our mental health is feeling fragile (perhaps some affirmations here?)
We all have come to parenting with past hurt and trauma to greater or lesser extent. Yet, what matters is that we become aware of these pain points and take steps to heal them, so that our children do not feel responsible for our suffering.
This does not mean that we have to be perfect or put on a happy face every day. Toxic positivity can be really harmful to ourselves and our children. While there is value in having the ability to reframe and flexibly relate to our feelings, no one benefits from dismissing or minimising their own feelings.
When we can show our children, not just lecture to the them, that life is about light and dark and that mental health is not the absence of blue days or fear, we give them permission to feel and care for themselves.
- “No flower is in bloom all year round”
- “This too shall pass”
- “It’s okay to feel sad, be less than perfect and make mistakes”
- “I’m enough… no matter what gets done”
- “Right now, in this moment, all is well”
There is real support to be had from a good mantra. Try out some of these or make up your own statements.
When/where should parents seek help and how can they go about this in a system that seems to clogged up at the minute?
Many of us delay taking action on the things that matter most. We convince ourselves that things are not that bad, or that things will get better when X happens. Yet, the truth is, we all know what could benefit from some loving attention and the sooner we can get honest with ourselves, the sooner we can begin to transform the dynamics in our life that do not serve us.
One of the greatest benefits of speaking with a professional about our mental health concerns is that we start to have greater awareness and language for what is going on for us. So, when we fall into whichever hole we tend to fall into, whether it is worrying, ruminating, self-loathing, we learn to recognise the signs and symptoms and spend less time in the hole.
While the system is clogged up at the moment, it does not mean that you cannot begin this process by yourself. Journal your thoughts – and write down your uncensored experience. And use a trusted friend or family member to share more honestly about your concerns and your experience.
More often than not, we will find that what we imagine is uniquely our problem, is something that other parents experience too.
Anything else to add/words of encouragement about taking care of your mental health as a parent?
Mental health is not a fixed state. And there is a lot we can do to make our body and mind feel at ease in a world that can feel scary, uncertain and out of control.
Our body is an excellent gateway to better mental health. The more we can connect to our body, through movement and stretching, the better flow we create in our mind.
It can be inspiring to look at a young child who has not yet learned to mask their emotions. Their emotional system is so fluid that one moment they are happy and the next they feel it’s the end of the world, they laugh in sheer delight but cry the next minute because they could not get an ice cream.
Mental health is flow and it is not always neat and pretty. But loud and messy.
Flat lay photo, Wake up photo created by tirachardz
This is such an important topic to talk about, as a parent we do put our kids and family first and just carry on forgetting we need to look after ourselves too. More so as if we go down then then everyone suffers. I have been guilty of this so many times
I think everyones mental health is super important, but as a parent you have other people who rely on you. So if your mental health isn’t doing good it could rub off on your kids which isn’t good x
Many parents often neglect their mental health. They focus on everyone else instead but this can be detrimental to us. It’s important that we start dedicating a little time focusing on this that help us each day.
I am not a parent but I understand how important it is to have a healthy body and mind at the same time. Indeed, you are so right, when a parent is down, or bursts into anger because they can’t find other forms of releasing their stress, this is all transferred to the child.
Event though I’m not a mother, I’m so glad I came across your article today. So much practical wisdom and advice for all – parent or not. Quotes of “truth” jumped out at me like how you mention we’ve developed a tolerance for speed but at the cost of connection. The other point I found very helpful was to hear the perspective from a parent on the topic of post-pandemic stresses. I hadn’t looked at it from this point of view and found that very helpful too.
It is so important and absolutely vital for me . I suffer quite bad with my mental health so keeping my head as happy as it can be is so important for me to parent the best I can