Overcoming the stigma of extended breastfeeding

*This is a guest post 

My son turned two just over a month ago and I still breastfeed him. When you live in the western world and almost no one feeds beyond six months you leave yourself open to comments and judgments of others every day.

How I choose to raise my baby is between me and him. I often wonder why anyone else would even care. But they do.

Parenthood can be a strange beast. There is no qualification, no text book, no road map that everyone follows to raise a child. Yet it is the only undertaking of my whole life that seems to invite those around me to pass on their wisdom of what I should be doing… Even complete strangers do not hesitate to join in.

Breastfeeding is at the top of the list for subjects where everyone seems to be an expert. Anything outside of the social norms and you are going to hear about it. And breastfeeding beyond six months, two years and beyond is certainly going to shake up some people enough where they will be compelled to tell you this.

Unsolicited advice

Unsolicited advice starts the moment anyone finds out you are pregnant, and it never goes away. Most people mean well and insist that their way is the best way. For them it probably is, but that doesn’t mean that it will work for me.

Some of the more frequent comments I have received when people learn that I still breastfeed:

• You are spoiling your baby
• Your baby is overly dependent on you
• Your baby’s teeth will grow crooked
• Aren’t you worried your breasts will become saggy?
• You should [insert any unsolicited advice here!]

One of these even came from a middle aged woman who sat next to me on a plane. This is an uncomfortable environment for a baby and feeding him was the best way to get him to settle. Unfortunately I could not get away from this woman.  So I just had to nod and smile.

I can live with the unwanted advice. What bothers me is when the opinions become judgments, and other people look down on you for the choices you make for yourself and your baby.

Avoiding the judgment of others

Rather than rely on developing a thick skin I have decided to just avoid the subject as much as possible. If I am with a playgroup, or mother’s group, I no longer feed and I steer clear of the conversation when it comes up with the group.

I do not hide the fact that I still breastfeed and will give an honest answer when asked about it. I just try not to draw attention to it if I do not need to.

Previously I would have just fed discreetly with a scarf or a cover. But it was just not worth dealing with the conversation that would follow.

Friends and family can be more difficult. They are more likely to stick their noses in beyond what would otherwise be considered personal, and this often turns into seemingly harmless jokes. I can see the funny side when someone jokes that my Son could still be feeding when he starts school – but this lingers in your mind planting those seeds of doubt.

It can be haunting as a mother second guessing yourself. We often feel that we are not doing anything right and no amount of research will ever kill off that doubt entirely. It is a stress that others probably don’t understand. So again it is just something I avoid as much as I can.

I have found the most comfort in online communities where people openly discuss and support breastfeeding. It is a shame that you have to look outside of your social circles for some positive discussion on the topic, but with social norms what they are there is not much I can do about this but share my story.

Why do I still breastfeed?

At this stage it is no longer about the nutrition. My milk is still one of the healthiest options for him, but he eats non-stop anyway. So he definitely doesn’t need it.

It is more of a comfort thing for him now. After he spends the day at day care he latches the moment we get home and will not let go. It is our chance to reconnect and bond after being separated for the day.

So the quick answer is that I still think that breastfeeding is the best thing for him. If I didn’t think so, I would stop. Even though there are some slightly selfish reasons too.

These afternoon moments can be my favourite part of the day. I can finally sit down and (briefly) relax after a long day at work missing my baby. He often drifts to sleep exhausted and I then have the time to cook, clean and prepare for the next day.

It is also very convenient. If he is unsettled, or upset then I can always calm him down by feeding him. This is especially handy when we are in public and he may be overwhelmed, or potentially getting himself into a risky situation. I can strap him into the baby carrier where he is safe, and he can nestle in and feed for a while.

When will I stop?

Since day one I have been hoping that he makes this decision himself. I have read many stories where one day the child just doesn’t want to do it anymore and that is that. I get the feeling that it will not be this easy for us.

The task of weaning him off will be a difficult thing to balance while I am working. A week or two of less sleep when I already don’t get much is daunting, but it has to happen one day. I am not ready for this yet and I know that he is not either.

There have been nights when he has just fallen asleep without being fed. When he spends the night with Grandma he also seems to sleep without too much of an issue. Perhaps a shortcut would be to leave him in the care of Dad and take a rejuvenating weekend away! But that is a topic for another day.

Are you considering extended breastfeeding? Or perhaps you have your own extended breastfeeding experience to share? Do leave a comment below.

Author Bio: My name is Giselle and I left the corporate world to become a full time mum of a beautiful boy, and Editor of katherinerosman.com. This is a small site that we are growing quickly with the aim of becoming a central resource for mums that will provide actionable advice and info guides. I have found so much support through online mum communities and I am grateful to have the opportunity to contribute to the information that is out there, and hopefully help others in their own journey along the way. 

Photo credit: Cassie Ehard via Flickr

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