It’s been a rough few months. I’ve not been feeling well, my energy levels have been really low and so has my patience… and I have been shouting. A lot. I’ve been shouting in the mornings because of the pressure of the early start of the school day. I’ve been shouting because of the dragged out bedtimes when all I need is a bit of peace and quiet. But recently my daughter said something to me which made me realise – I have to start parenting without yelling.
She told me that every time I shouted at her, she was frightened
Now, to some people, I may not even been that much of a shouty mum, but when I heard those words, it was like a stab in the heart, and I knew then, I had to change my ways and start parenting without yelling. Because even losing my cool once or twice a week because nobody seemed to be listening to me was having an impact.
I grew up in an extremely shouty house
…where yelling and spanking were part of every day life. It scarred me. I am anxious and can be quite fearful as a result. And although I have never raised a hand to my daughter, and probably only blow up once or twice a week, for me…that’s now too much. I have to find a way of eradicating that entirely, and to start parenting without yelling, even in the most annoying, stressful, rushed and exasperating times.
The long term effects of shouting at children are well documented
…most scary is that it can change the way their brains develop…and looking back, I’m pretty sure that my brain became wired differently from all the shouting and aggression I was exposed to as a child.
I don’t want my child to be or feel frightened of me
….ever. The thought of it makes my whole world fold in on itself. I want her always to feel safe, and accepted, loved no matter what. I don’t want her to think I don’t like her and love her because I shouted at her because I had to ask her to get dressed for the umpteenth time for school…something which she has been expressing recently and which leaves my brain reeling with shock….the fact that your own child, the one who you sacrificed so much for could even think such a thing just because you lose my rag occasionally almost killed me.
Parenting without yelling – starts from today
Today is my pledge to start parenting without yelling. No matter how wound up, pained or exhausted I feel, there has to be a better way, there IS a better way….if I have to remove myself from the room and go and take some deep breaths to avoid shouting…if I have to be super mindful and watch every move my mind makes in case it falls into the all so easy and weak response of shouting then so be it.
It’s never too late to make a change in the way you parent
…and although sometimes we tend to laugh it off later that we might be a “shouty mum”, or a “stressy mum” – the bottom line is that shouting is no joke and isn’t something to be laughed off. And if….IF….I do slip up ever, I will be sure to let my daughter know that I shouted because of my shortcomings, NOT hers and that no matter what….she is loved beyond words.
I can’t say I remember my parents shouting at me or my siblings becuase a sten voice was all we needed to know our place but were never scared of them.
It’s so hard isn’t it. I have only ever proper blown up and shouted – proper shouted – a couple of times and Leo cried and said he was scared of me and it broke my heart. We having a bit of a difficult time at bedtime lately and it’s so hard to stay patient and not start shouting when they don’t listen. I want to be a yelling free family too and I’m sure it can be done, good luck!cx
We don’t yell much in our house, but it is so difficult when our LO is constantly being a toddler and testing the boundaries! Will certainly keep this in mind, I really don’t want to affect her #coolmumclub
This is actually quite hard to read because yo’ure right. I try not to yell but, as you’ve said, the pressure to get things done on time makes it very hard. That and my youngest being inpervious to cajoling to get ready in time. Actually, the thing is that shouting only scares the big one and it ignored by the little one, so it achieves bugger all. Apart from making me feel crappy on the way to work. You’re right – less yelling (I fear no yelling is a shade ambitious for me!) starts here! #coolmumclub.
I have to admit I can be quite a shouty mum at times and it is something that I am trying to control more. It can be hard not to lose your rag at times but I also find walking out the room and taking a few deep breaths helps. Good luck with managing not to yell x #coolmumclub
Honey you are so right. I have had times I’ve shouted at Josh and then felt sick afterwards with guilt. I am quickly learning that speaking calmly to Josh has so much more of an effect and is better for us all. It’s a learning curve honey xxx #coolmumclub
I must admit i really do need to shout less. great post #coolmumclub
A really great post lovely. It’s so relentless being a parent that sometimes it all becomes too much. I do think that we are always in such a rush and that is one thing that children hate! You can do this! Gentle parenting is definately the way to go; listen to your children, really listen. However, this can be tricky at 4am or if they keep coming down in the evening! #coolmumclub
I try so hard to not be shouty, most the time I manage it but on a handful of occasions I have completely lost it. But it make sme try harder not to do it again, as it’s horrible, we both end up cuddling and crying and get nowhere. #CoolMumClub
What a heartfelt post! I grew up in a house where there was no shouting, but quite a lot of counting to three! I think as a parent you always feel like you’re failing in some way. We have days where it all goes horribly wrong and I know that I could have handled things better. If that happens I’m honest with my kids and say that I didn’t handle my emotions very well. We talk about how we could have dealt with the situation differently. Every day there will be new challenges and we’re all learning how to cope with them. #CoolMumClub
This is such a great post and I admire your honesty. I made the exact same pledge to myself several months ago for the very same reason. Every time I shouted at my daughter in frustration I felt horrendous inside afterwards. Just the other evening I slipped up and shouted because she was in the bath and being extremely difficult to everyone. I was exhausted and suffering from a horrible cold and because she kept yelling and refusing to get out of the bath I yelled back. But the second I did it I felt awful. As soon as we both calmed down I gave her a hug and apologised to her. So there may be slip ups along the way but we just have to keep trying our best. A very worthwhile read #CoolMumClub
I definitely realised after my managing behaviour course that the real reason the kids were yelling so much was because they were mirroring some of our behaviours. That was a huge wake up call. Since then I try so hard to be a gentle parent as I believe this is far more positive than shouting. Of course, I’m not perfect, and we all have our moments! But when those moments happen sometimes they bring us all back together with a sorry and a hug. Thank you for the reminder darl, and remember no one is perfect x x
#CoolMumClub x x x
Sometimes it is really hard isn’t it. I very rarely shout at Cygnet but I have on occasion. He doesn’t like it and nor do I. I feel ashamed and guilty and angry at myself. Sometimes we are all human though. And sometimes life is tough. pen x #coolmumclub
I am that fish wife according to my Mum! I have had a particularly shouty day today and for my throat alone need to. I just need the kids to help me out a bit with conforming occasionally so I can stop shouting!
I am so pleased that so many of us are now talking about this because I feel like when we shout we then punish ourselves in silence about it, beating ourselves up. I’m going to have a follow up post on some practical tips on how to stop the yelling which I think will be such a help to all of us trying to not to yell or yell less so watch this space! x