It has come to my attention in my three going on four years of parenthood, that there is an overarching theme of sods law in this mum marlarky. You can bet whenever you’ve made the most effort that things will always go south, or that when you really need or want something to happen that the planets will align just to make sure that you will be left sweating bullets just as you try and complete the most simple of tasks. And so here, for you today, I present with you the 9 sods law of being a mum, as tried and tested by none other than my kind self (and probably every other mum out there!).
The sods law of having a crap (or not)
That as soon as you sit down to finally go for a poo which you have been holding in for hours only forced to eventually sit down on the bog because you have an impending turtle head disaster about to happen somewhere around your arse region that someone will start hollering mum, scream or worse still, you hear an almighty thump….followed by screaming blue murder. Hold on poo, one day…you will see the light of day!
The sods law of getting some nooky (or not)
That’s it…it’s been weeks, months, hell let’s face it….nearing something close to a year since you had some parental sex. You’ve finally begged, borrowed and steal to get a night away for a good old dusting of the cobwebs which have probably formed into a forest by now and what bloody happens. Your period, that’s what. God help us, the human body can be so cruel at times!
The sods law of getting some nooky – part two
Well, maybe you thought you would be brave enough to not wait until that pipe-dream of a night away, but instead thought you’d bite the bullet and get a bit frisky in….GASP!…your own home. Well you can pretty much count on the fact that the sods law of this one is that someone will likely wake up screaming just at the holy moly this is ah-mazing bit!
The sods law of the school run
As if the school run wasn’t stressful enough as it is, then you also have the forces of little bowels, nature and forgetfulness to add to the mix. The sods law of the school run is like being involved with a russian roulette of someone needing a poo, the skies opening and it pissing it down, and someone forgetting something or other they were supposed to take in that day…what the bloody hell was it anyway!???
The sods law of waiting for something that gets sabotaged
You know the drill – you’ve schlepped all the way to the family film screening only to find a child screaming that they want out after five minutes of the trailers; or you’ve queued in the flaming hot sun for an ice cream that ends up dropped on the floor after three licks – NOOOOOOOO! or you’ve got in line for once of those ludicrously over priced Peppa Pig balloons only to watch it take off to the skies after 3 minutes. When will we learn!!!???
The sods law of dinner-gate
Oh yes, slave over a healthy family meal for an age only to have it pushed around the plate a thousand times. Serve up standard fish fingers n chips, watch it disappear quicker than you can say Bobs Your Uncle.
The sods law of the baby sitter
Hurrah! You have finally made the leap and be brave enough to actually trust your child’s life with a baby sitter…well done you…pat on the back! Except now your child seems to be developing a raging temperature or has had an illegal nap at 4pm in the car and the prospects of escape are now looking very slim indeed. FML.
The sods law of nice clothes
Seriously, why do we even bother to put children in nice clothes for special occassions? Or ourselves for that matter. You can be sure as soon as you put on their princess party dress they will slather porridge all down it, or if younger, have a multi level poo explosion that blows away the very being of their nappy into their once gorgeous threads. Kids were made to slum it, period.
The sods law of all things craft related
Mummy mummy mummy I want to make a massive papier machier Easter egg, paint a pine cone, insert ludicrous craft activity here….but you know that a) not only that your craft will end up looking like a turd on steroids but also and nothing like anything you’ve ever seen on Pinterest but also b) you will be the one sitting there having to finish the turd you created because everyone has lost interest. Pass the prosecco please.
Which of these sods laws have you experienced recently? And what others would you add to this list?
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