No parent enjoys having to parent a difficult child, but that is a reality for many a parent. Perhaps your child isn’t responding to you and others. Or maybe they are being incredibly emotionally intense and over reactionary. Either way it can be frustrating, confusing and even hurtful. This is especially the case if you’ve tried everything to help them but everything continues to feel difficult on a daily basis.
Dealing with such a child can feel like your whole world is falling apart at times. This can be hard on everyone in the family, but you as the parent may feel especially vulnerable and unsupported. Your child might be a challenging adolescent or a toddler who is demanding all of your time and energy. Or perhaps it is more an occasional difficult moment that comes along unexpectedly. Whatever your situation there are things you can do to help yourself and support your family through these situations. Here are some practical tips for staying calm, centered, and positive to help you parent a difficult child.
8 tips to help you parent a difficult child
Take a breath
When you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed, it’s easy to feel like your child’s behaviour is happening at a certain pace that’s much faster than you can keep up with. However, perceived “speed” is related to how we feel, not what is actually happening.
When you’re stressed, you may see the world speeding up and getting “out of control”. That’s because you’re feeling rushed and out of control yourself. Take a deep breath. Relaxing into the present moment can help you slow down and better sense what is actually happening. You may be surprised at how much you actually feel like interacting with your child when you’ve had a chance to calm down.
Talk things over with your partner/family
When one person in a family is struggling, it can make everyone feel more pressure to meet everyone’s needs. It’s natural to feel this way. However, it can trap everyone: you may feel like you need to be able to meet your child’s every need. Meanwhile your partner/family may feel like they need to be able to meet your child’s every need.
When you feel like you need to be able to handle everything on your own, it can be easy to feel isolated and unwanted. This can spill over into your relationships with others. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s best to talk things out with those closest to you. This can be your partner or another family member, or a close friend. When you’re feeling frustrated, it can be helpful to explain your feelings and get some support for how you’re feeling. If you feel you have nobody to talk to, a therapist can also be a huge help.
Know that you’re not alone
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, you may feel like nobody else understands what you’re dealing with. However, this is not true – there are many parents who have dealt with similar situations. It’s natural to feel like you’re the only person in the world who is dealing with this. Know that’s not the case. Reach out to other parents and ask them how they dealt with similar situations. There are many parenting groups out there that can help. If you don’t have access to these groups but would like more support, consider reaching out to a professional like a parenting coach or family therapist.
Stick to a routine and schedule
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it can be easy to get distracted and overwhelmed by what’s going on around you. When this happens, it can be difficult to stay focused and meet your responsibilities. It’s important to make time for yourself, and to create a space for you to be calm. Whether it’s taking a walk by yourself, sitting in silence, journaling, or eating a snack that makes you feel calmer and less rushed. Make it a priority to keep calm. If you feel like you need to be doing something else in order to “get through” your responsibilities, it can be tempting to try to “force it” which can lead to more stress and frustration.
Don’t take your child’s behaviour personally
When you parent a difficult child, you may feel like you need to be able to deal with their behaviour in a certain way that they are “owed”. For example, you may feel like you need to be able to soothe your child when they are upset, or that they need to be able to express their needs in a certain way.
However, it can be helpful to step back and realize that your child is not treating you in a certain way because they “hate you”, but because they need you. It may be helpful to ask yourself: “What is my child needing from me right now?” Chances are, there is something your child needs from you.
It may be to be held or reassured, to be talked through a feeling, to be asked questions, or to be asked what they want. It can be helpful to put a “demand” on your child. Tell them that they need to tell you what they want right now, without holding back. This can be a helpful way to get your child to communicate with you.
Remember that learning never stops, even in challenging moments
When you’re dealing with a challenging child, you may feel like you need to get everything perfect from the start. However, learning happens when you least expect it and in unexpected ways. This can be frustrating for a parent who is trying to get things “just right” from the start, but it’s important to remember that you don’t need to be perfect in order to learn and grow.
You may need to be flexible and be open to the learning that happens “on the fly”. This can happen in all areas of your life, and it can help you to feel less stressed and more grounded when it happens.
Stay connected to your own feelings and seek professional help when you need it
No matter how old your child is, it can be helpful to sit down and make a “check-in” with yourself on a regular basis. Are you getting enough sleep? Is your relationship with your partner/family feeling strained? Are you eating well? Are you feeling stressed?
These can be helpful ways to keep connected to your own needs. It can be helpful to seek professional help if you feel like you’re getting stuck in a certain pattern or experience a high level of stress or anxiety from dealing with your child’s behavior.
Conclusion
When you parent a difficult child, it can be tempting to feel like you need to be able to handle everything on your own. However, this is not the case. You do not need to be perfect in order to learn and grow. These tips will help you stay connected to yourself, maintain your energy, and keep from getting overwhelmed. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, it can be helpful to take a deep breath, relax into the present moment, talk things out with your partner/family, know that you’re not alone, stick to a routine and schedule, don’t take your child’s behavior personally, remember that the learning never stops, find ways to stay connected to your feelings and professional help when you need it.
