The Ukraine crisis, the fear of nuclear war or World War Three, and the plight of the people caught up in the violence have shocked the world. As parents who are already very much carrying around their own anxieties around what is happening or might happen on a daily basis, we also need to tread very carefully with our own children.
At this point in time, I know that my daughter has watched a News Round at school on the Ukraine crisis, and we have had a vague conversation around it, and she knows that we have been donating items to help the people in Ukraine but at this juncture that’s pretty much it.
Which begs the questions: how do we broach the subject of the Ukraine crisis with our children, how much do we tell them, what do we tell them, and how do we support them?
I am personally really trying to keep my own anxieties in check-in in between googling absolute worst-case scenarios and the unthinkable. Right now, I feel like I am living a double life where I worry all day long at my desk about what is happening, and then pretend to be all holly jolly at school pick up.
The bottom line is, while we all look on in horror at the scenes unfolding in Ukraine, there is also a level of anxiety about what could happen should this escalate to the inconceivable. While we try to keep a lid on this as parents, we also need to think about how to keep our children in the loop without frightening them. As always, it’s not something I have the answers but here, the experts share some tips on how we can talk to our children about the Ukraine crisis.
Talking to your children about the Ukraine crisis
Dr. Amanda Gummer: child psychologist and founder of The Good Play Guide says,
“ A little knowledge can be scary and children who have caught snippets of news or comments need to know where to go for reassurance and answers to their questions. This can be daunting for parents who may not have all the answers themselves.
However, by making time to talk and try and help your child make sense of things, you are laying the groundwork for good communication going forward. One of the common mistakes parents make is giving children too much information – try and answer any questions simply and honestly, and check if they have any more questions but don’t go into lots of detail right from the start.”
How should I answer their questions?
Children’s psychologist Dr Alison McClymont adds, “If your child has questions, ask them factually and succinctly. It is not a point to educate them on the moralities of war if they are under 10. If they are older you can discuss it in terms of the complexities of war ie neither side wins and both countries will see a senseless loss of life and in that vein- whose moral right is it?”
What should my child read or watch to get age-appropriate information without getting too frightened
McClymont advises, “not giving ANY reading material to a child on war. A child’s moral centre ( the pre-frontal cortex) is not formed until their early twenties and discussing many of these subjects of violent or mass murder is simply too overwhelming. It is ok for example to show on a map where Ukraine is located, it is also ok for them to read about the country and its culture, even its history with Russia. But no reading material should focus on conflict or war- ever.”
How can I reassure my child if they are scared about the war? How can I make them feel safe?”
“The reality is your child might feel very frightened depending on what information they have absorbed”, advises McClymont. She continues, “It is key to get them to articulate their fears so that you can rationalise them ie it is not likely the UK will be subject to a nuclear threat. It is also important to get them to explain how they feel and where in their body they are feeling this.”
Gummer shares her tips for helping with the above:
- “Use an analogy your child might understand – e.g. to understand they are not responsible for world events, explain that they can’t control the weather (you could even ask them to try to control the weather to show that their behaviour has no effect)
- Make it clear that it’s okay to feel confused, angry, upset or scared
- Let them know that you don’t have all the answers and find confusing/scary etc at times too, but share your coping strategies with them and encourage them to develop their own
- Gauge the level of interest and understanding and adapt your answers accordingly”
McClymont would say not to. “Children do not have the same life experience or cognitively developed brain to discuss the complexities of war. They might feel overwhelmed or terrified by the discussion. If you wish to do so, and you want to reflect upon a family personal experience- you can, but be very mindful that children are easily traumatised by adult violence.”
I hope the above helps any parent reading this in knowing how to broach the subject of the Ukraine crisis with their children.
Photo by Meruyert Gonullu from Pexels
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We just had this conversation yesterday. It’s definitely difficult but important to speak to them in ways that they can understand.
This is a very timely post. While my children are all grown, I’m a kindergarten teacher and it’s a very tough subject to broach with them. Thank you!
Such an important read during such uncertain times. It’s important for children not to be afraid but to be aware. Thanks for sharing!
With so much about the war on our news channels, children are hearing and wondering what is going on, including mine, so reading your post on how to approach the subject is very helpful
I am a teacher and kids are actually very concerned. It’s uprooting to their security and quite frankly to all of our security, but we put on a positive attitude and face and give neutral answers that leave them satisfied, since what they really want is to be reassured.
This is so important because you want to make sure your kids understand the issue before they find out about it elsewhere or feel confused or worried about it without being open to talk with their parents about it. Thank you for this.