Just when you think your baby is settling into a nice little routine then boom! Suddenly everything changes and it feels like all that hard work you put in is undone. Thanks to all those lovely Wonder Weeks, baby sleep can go out of the window quite frequently. And as for toddler sleep, well that can leave you on your toes too! In this issue of our Sleep Sessions series Sleep Consultant Samantha Sadighi of Easy Sleep Solutions is here to help you navigate any baby and toddler sleep issues that come with the territory.
Baby and toddler sleep
So, your little bundle of joy isn’t quite as little now, which is very exciting! They’re growing at what seems like break neck speed, starting to respond and interact. Amazing!
But, how is their sleep? You’ve no doubt heard about the 4 month sleep regression? But what do you know about it?
There’s various ‘regressions’ that children can go through (although I think that’s a pretty negative term, so prefer ‘progression’ or ‘developmental milestone’. The 4 month ‘progression’ is the only one that directly impacts sleep. Hopefully you remember from the first blog in the series that we scroll through 4 stages of sleep each night? Well, newborns actually only have the two deepest stages – stage 3 (deep sleep) and stage 4 (REM or dream sleep). When they hit the 4 month mark (the end of the 4th trimester as it were) their sleep becomes more like ours and starts to include all 4 stages of sleep.
That’s why around this age you may notice that where once you could happily let them fall asleep and make as much noise as you wanted, suddenly you’re more likely to disturb them! Yikes! That’s because they’re now encountering the lighter stages of sleep too, so more easily roused.
As I say, this is progress – your little one is becoming more like us adults! But, it can mean that we need to adapt our behaviour in response to this, including being aware that they’re more easily woken.
So how can you deal with this? Well, ideally, from the word go installing regular structure and routine can work wonders. If you’re slap bang in the middle of it, it’s not too late to get into those good habits!
Regressions & progressions
All the other ‘regressions/progessions’ are generally related to other developmental milestones. So learning to roll, sitting up, standing etc etc. The best advice for these stages is to let your little one practise their new ‘trick’ as much as possible when they’re awake. Essentially good sleepers may have a week or two of restless nights, however it can be all too easy to let bad (or not ideal) habits to creep in during this time (just because we’re so tired). So it’s always worth thinking about how you’re reacting to their possible night wakings or fussiness at bedtime and whether or not that’s going to be sustainable, or are you (simply put as my old Mum would have said) ‘making a rod for your own back’?
It’s worth me mentioning here, in the same vein, that often when our little ones are teething or unwell, it’s just as easy to slip into these ‘bad’ habits, because, well, we’re tired and we want to comfort our baby. In these instances, I suggest trying to find a middle ground, find something that works but you can easily wean them off once they’re feeling right as rain again.
Be wary of sleep props
Finding what works for you could be something totally different to what other families find helpful. In my experience though, the common culprits are holding or rocking your baby, falling asleep feeding or for older children, having a parent lie with them until they fall asleep. PLEASE don’t get me wrong, these are all lovely ways to help soothe your little one to sleep. But (you knew that was coming), the difficulty can be that your little one then comes to expect the exact same scenario when they have their brief awakenings during the night.
Let’s just imagine you go to bed this evening. You snuggle down in your duvet and drop off to sleep. Your partner’s softly snoring beside you, the alarm’s set for the morning and all is well. But just imagine how you would feel if 90 minutes later (after one sleep cycle) you wake up on the kitchen floor, naked with no duvet! I’m pretty sure any of us in that scenario would be wondering what the flipping heck was going on! THIS is how your little one feels when they have their brief awakening and they’re not in your arms, or have a dummy, boob or bottle in their mouth.
These strategies we use to get our little ones to sleep can be called props or sleep associations. It’s basically anything they need to happily drift off to the land of nod. Not all props or associations are bad. Personally, I’ve always done a weird little foot waggle to get myself off to sleep (and even more weirdly, both my girls do it too even though they’ve never had the pleasure of seeing me drop off to sleep). Luckily, as I plan on keeping my foot right where it is, and as it’s about as portable as it comes, this could be seen as a good association. Other adults might need a specific pillow case or to have the window open or even to have music playing quietly in the background to slip into slumber.
Essentially, what you want to find for your child is something equally as simple for them to do themself so they can self-soothe not only for naps and at bedtime, but also during those brief awakenings overnight.
If they’re over a year old (in line with the Lullaby Trust safe sleeping guidelines), introducing a cuddly toy or ‘lovey’ can be really useful. I would say (with the voice of experience) though that making sure you have at least one duplicate that is rotated with the original is always a good idea! I have a friend who duly bought a replacement only to lose their little one’s beloved ‘Dog-Dog’. When their son was presented with the replacement he threw an absolute fit as it just didn’t look or feel like his beloved comforter – and that’s because it was an imposter! It was brand new and still had the tags on and hadn’t been loved within an inch of its life like the original.
Babies and toddlers will generally find their own self-soothing strategies given half a chance too. They might also adopt a similar foot waggle to me, or may rhythmically move their head from side to side to lull themselves off, amongst many other behaviours. Some children are head bangers – this is often more distressing for the parents than the baby! We’re programmed to not physically do ourselves harm. So although they may sport a bit of a bruise, the chances of them doing themselves any irreparable damage is pretty slim. If you are worried about it though and you have a travel cot with soft sides, it can be worth using that for a while until they adapt their strategy to something a little less…violent?
Night wakings
What about night time wakings? For many of us, our natural response is to immediately leap out of bed and go to them if we hear our child make a noise in the night. And you absolutely should if they’re properly crying like they’re in pain or there’s a problem. However, if they’re just grumbling or moaning, I would suggest trying to leave them for a few minutes (5-10 minutes is ideal if you can). That’s because you’ve got to remember you are your child’s favourite person in the world, so seeing you is going to be the highlight of their night! So even if they were just about to nod off again, by seeing you, they’ll become stimulated and know that there may well be a cuddle going if they play their cards right. Just giving them those few minutes to try to sort themselves out can make a HUGE difference.
But what if those night time wakings involve a tired toddler trying to stowaway in your bed without you realising? Again, this a huge compliment – they’ve woken and just want to be near you. If you’re ok with three in a bed (or more or less depending on your situation), then I say go with the flow (I’ll always be on hand if you needed help further down the line). But if it’s really starting to disrupt your own sleep as well as theirs, then I would suggest walking them back to their own bed, as many times as it takes. I’ll admit, the first couple of nights are likely to be tough, so maybe trying to do it on nights when you don’t have to work the following day could be a good plan. Consistency is absolutely key!
And finally, never be afraid of some good old fashioned bribery when it comes to toddlers! Depending on how old they are, depends on how instant they get their reward. For very little ones, their prize for going to bed nicely or staying in bed until it’s morning needs to be as soon as they wake (a favourite in our house was chocolate spread on toast – Simple but effective!). If they’re a little closer to school age and not too impatient, then a reward chart for the week can work really well with them getting their goodies maybe at a weekend if they’ve slept well for the whole week. Again, it doesn’t have to be anything fancy! Our favourite treat for this age group is a trip to the local coffee shop (so Mummy can get her caffeine fix too!) and the girls can get a drink or cake that they wouldn’t usually have at home.
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Photo credit Photo by Dobromir Dobrev from Pexels
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