Being a mum can be a lonely affair. Although some of us are lucky to find our mum tribe early on and have a great support network, there are just as many of us who feel alone, isolated, and unsupported in motherhood. I will never forget how it felt to be a lonely mum. We had our daughter overseas and then moved back when she was one. Suddenly I knew nobody, had no support and felt devastatingly lonely.
Feeling like a lonely mum can make you feel as though you don’t exist outside your little unit. It knocks your confidence to the floor, makes you feel low, and batters your self-esteem. Your soul longs for company as you see the others mums pushing along their buggies walking and chatting away, in their little cliques in the playgrounds, living their seemingly best life whilst pushing their little cherubs on the swings.
And then there’s you, a lonely mum, dying to break out, talk to somebody, exchange a glance, a smile, but frozen and consigned to loneliness.
This Mental Health Awareness Week’s theme is loneliness, and now as a mum a nine year old I want to offer some hope to every lonely mum out there who is feeling how I felt back in those new days of motherhood. If you are anything like me, you are probably feeling lonely, low, isolated and uncertain about everything. But I’m here to tell you it does get better.
For me, things changed when our daughter started school, and then it was like I got a chance to start again and make some friends. For you, it might be something else. But until that time, how can you cope as a lonely mum? I’m here to share some things that will hopefully help you feel better.
Feel the feelings and talk
First, if you are feeling low and lonely, it is ok to admit that, whether it be to yourself or somebody else. Tell your family and any friends you may have. Chances are they will have no idea you were feeling that way as everyone is so caught up in their own affairs. The minute you stop trying to hide from it and acknowledge it for what it is, the better you will feel. I promised. It will also help you understand any related behaviours you might express – you know, over emotional outbursts, resentful comments to your partner, and the like.
Don’t give up
When you’re a lonely mum, it can be so easy to let that crush you, to convince you to stop trying. The thing is, you never know where you might meet that person who you finally connect with. OK, it may not be at all those horrid baby and toddler groups (they are a surefire way of making you feel totally rubbish), but it could be in the local coffee shop, or somewhere else. So get out of the house every day. If you do meet someone you click with, don’t be afraid to swap numbers as you don’t know when the next time you’ll see them will be, and the chances are they are probably in the same boat and could do with a friend too.
Be your own best friend
When you’re a lonely mum, the last thing you need is to be beaten down with negative self-talk. This is a time for self-kindness, self-compassion and self-care. So you may feel lonely, but there are other ways of building up your self-esteem and confidence whilst looking after your baby. That might be eating healthily, putting on some lipstick (sounds shallow, but it works!), exercising, or taking 10 minutes out to do something for yourself. Self-care isn’t selfish but absolutely essential when you are a lonely mum.
Know you are not alone
A study by the British Red Cross found that more than 8 in 10 mums (83%) under the age of 30 have feelings of loneliness some of the time, while 43% said they feel lonely all of the time. Another survey found that 90% of new mums felt lonely since giving birth with over half (54%) feeling they had no friends. Simply just knowing that you are not alone can make you feel so much better. Loneliness is a big issue so many mums – and indeed, much of society – struggles with.
While there is no substitute in my view for face-to-face contact and interactions, social media can be a really useful tool for lonely mums if used in the right way (i.e. not for looking at that Insta mum who looks like she has it all together). Have a look around and see what online groups or forums you like the vibe of. Sometimes we just need to be heard in our loneliness, and social media can be a useful outlet if used appropriately. Big note here: be sure to stay away from an toxic groups. There are also apps like Peanut, Mush and Mummy Social which help to connect mums together.
If you are really concerned
Loneliness is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, stress, poor sleep quality and more. If you are concerned about or experiencing any of these, or feel you have nobody to talk to then please do make an appointment with your GP who will be able to discuss how they might be able to support you.
And so finally for every lonely mum out there, sending you a big virtual hug at the end of this. I see you, I hear you, you are loved and not ignored.
