On the inside I’m still the same Hanna as I’ve always been, but my behaviour and priorities has changed dramatically since I became a mother. I guess people around me may think the old Hanna is totally gone, but there is just no space for her at the moment. Unfortunately my changes may not look so favourable to others…
I am more boring
The other day my boyfriend went out to a concert so I was left alone putting the two kids to bed. When they were finally asleep I found myself laying beside them
feeling sorry for him that he couldn’t share this moment. Then it struck me how absurd this was. Why would I feel sorry for him going out having fun at a concert? It is because I have transformed into this boring mum that wants to do nothing but to stay at home with her kids. But that´s not all. Since I got my kids I am more boring in so many ways. I am less spontaneous and less likely to do something unexpected. I even joke less. When it comes to clothes I go for comfy. I would like to care for putting on something modern, special or at least colourful, but I just can’t assemble the interest.
I am more worried
I had a hundred fears when I was pregnant. They were all about me. Would I cope with all the interrupted sleep? Would my relationship with the father survive a child? Would I love the baby enough? Then after my child was born the fears quickly raised to a million, but they were no longer centered on me. I have never had any hypochondriac tendencies before, but when it comes to my children I just can´t help fearing the worst. Google is my worst enemy here. Every little disease could be a symptom of a brain tumor if you just look deep enough into the sources of Google.
I look worse
Let’s put this simple: I am fatter, my tits are hanging and I have aged faster since I got my kids. A lot of mums in this world just keep on looking fantastic year after year. That is unfortunately not my case.
I am broken
To have kids is not exactly the most economical choice I did in my life. Less paid work and more mouths to feed. No Einstein needed to figure out that our economy has suffered. I would love to eat out often and to fill my home with nice design, but that is absolutely not happening. Instead I find myself looking for bargains in cut-price supermarkets crowded with other parents with the same desperate look in their faces.
I am happier
The strange thing about all this is that at the same time that I have transformed into this poor, boring, worried, tired looking person that I am today, I have become more happy than ever. Before I got my kids I had travelled the world, I had made out with a number of boys, I had worked hard on jobs that were exiting and challenging and I had gone to therapy to develop who I really was. I had had enough of me! My kids are so brilliant, funny and spontaneous, it’s like they have outcompeted me in so many ways. My kids are so much better to be full of than myself!
Hanna is a mother, blogger, radio producer, coach and filmmaker who loves to travel. As a mother of a 1 year old and a 3 year old her head is totally filled up with toddlers and she canalize that into her blog Healthywhale. The themes she writes about are often related to attachment parenting and practical tips and she also loves design and furniture so that is also reflected in her blog. She co-hosts her blog together with a dad that put his perspective of things. You can follow her on facebook and twitter.
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