9 post natal depression signs to look out for

Let’s admit it, postpartum depression has been rampant in this generation of mums. It is said that one in seven women will experience postpartum depression in the year after giving birth. I personally experienced these baby blues and depression. I literally thought I was losing my mind. I lost count of how many days, weeks, months, and years I have struggled. Sadness over nonsensical things, overthinking of things that are not even there, anxiety from overthinking, feeling of emptiness and sadness about reasons I don’t even know about. But what are the post natal depression signs to look out for? Here I will share the top five weird things I suffered the most when I had postpartum depression.

Feeling Really Happy, but Outrageously Sad

The weird kind of sadness I don’t even know what’s causing. I know I’m blessed, and that I’m surely loved, but every time I’m alone (even with my child in hand), I feel extremely sad. Like I am going through a very hard situation that can never be resolved. The feeling like the world is on my shoulders, only that the world doesn’t even care about me.

It’s really hard to explain and put into words how much sadness and emptiness is creeping over my head and my whole being. Like I was in a very bad dream and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to wake up. It kept me thinking I don’t deserve my life, and my husband and children don’t deserve to have a wife and mother who’s going nuts. 

Feeling Horrible About Yourself

It seemed like no one was on my side. But every time someone (regardless of how close that person is to me) tries to reach out, I shut my doors because I don’t want to let anyone inside the world of depression I was in. I always thought no one will understand because they’ve never been inside my head or my heart. They’ll listen, but listening would be different from paying attention.

It felt so complicated, even I didn’t understand much of it. All I know is that I feel horrible and I don’t want to share that with anyone, afraid of being pitied, of being talked about behind my back. I was so scared, but I kept it all inside me and cried myself to sleep at night so I could fake some smiles the next day.

Once, my husband said I’m overreacting because I cried when I found out he would be participating in a fun run (part of his work), and I would just be at home tending the babies. It seemed unreasonable but I really felt so bad that I pitied myself for not being able to participate in things like that too. Well, I know I couldn’t because I was only a few weeks after giving birth, and I have the kids with me too. But yeah, my stubborn head just didn’t get it, and I feel so upset at that time.

Wanting To Be All Alone

Crazy right? But really. When I went to my firstborn’s daycare, I met a few mums too, and really, I couldn’t keep my guard down because I felt like they would talk about me when I wasn’t around. I was carrying my 4 month old secondborn son at that time too, and I feel like they were very uncomfortable with me sitting there.

I was even so afraid to breastfeed my baby because I feel like they would ask me to look for a room where I could feed my child. I knew I was struggling with depression and I could feel that people could see through me, making me feel much more complicated and oh, not to mention the anxiety that comes along afterward. Phew!

Extreme Sensitivity and Emotion

When I think about it now, it felt so unreal and unreasonable. But I know how much of a fight I had put up just so I could keep my sanity. I would cry so hard.

I would cry because it took me some time before noticing that my newborn was crying in the next room while I was cleaning the kitchen. I would cry because I felt so tired while my husband was sleeping through the night. I would panic hearing my newborn cry because I was afraid my firstborn would wake up too.  Mammas undergoing PPD are so brave to go through it every minute of the day, and still trying their best to overcome and surpass these hurdles of motherhood.

Always Feeling You Should Be Doing More

I wanted to be there and tend to the kids until they became independent enough so badly. I wanted to be much more engaged as a Mummy, I wanted to clean the house without being interrupted, and I wanted to sleep and get enough rest because I was sleep-deprived since the babies came. I wanted to be able to provide for my family. I wanted to do everything and it made me feel helpless whenever I could sense that I was failing at it.

You’re Not Tired, You’re Exhausted

Being a parent to a child of any age is tiring enough. It is particularly tough when they are a baby and post natal ddepression brings with it a debilitating tiredness which hangs over you like a heavy weight, you’re barely able to keep your eyes open or string a sentence together. Your body aches and your head screams for sleep but your child wants attention and somehow despite having no energy, you have to find the strength to join in.

You Feel Totally Emotionally Detached

The demons make you feel numb, you don’t feel able to care about anything. Of course, you love your baby but once the darkness hits it becomes impossible to express that love. Hugs have no feelings, words mean nothing, and you smile at their laughter knowing you should be sharing their joy but instead you just feel empty.

Your Concentration is Zero

You have a baby, and then your child comes home from school full of stories of their day and it’s all you can do to manage a nod in the right place and a smile at the end. If they asked you to repeat what they’d said you couldn’t, but you hope you’ve got the responses right. It’s not because you’re thinking about anything else. You want to be able to focus on what they’re saying, but you just can’t.

Your Confidence is Non-Existent

All parents question themselves sometimes, wondering if their decisions were right and seeking reassurance from friends and family. Post natal depression strips you of all confidence and you end up doubting every single thing that you ever do for your child. It tells you that absolutely everything is your fault even the small stuff means you have failed as a parent and there’s nothing anyone can say that will make you believe differently.

What Does Post Natal Depression Feel Like

Post Natal Depression is like carrying a very heavy invisible bag around with you and wading through thigh deep mud all day every day. It wears you down and makes you feel physically and mentally exhausted. I constantly felt like I was at breaking point. But breaking down was not an option.

Post-Natal Depression is emotionally and physically hard, it not only affects you but your friends and family as well. This for me led to lots of feelings of guilt for what I was putting my loved ones through. For me having Post-Natal Depression greatly affected me socially, I didn’t want to spend time with anybody or large groups of people. I found being around others so tiring as I put on an act that everything was ok. I told very few people that I had been diagnosed as I was too tired to deal with the questions and conversations that might follow.

The Most Frustrating Thing About Post Natal Depression

The hardest thing can often be how slow the recovery is. Some people who thought they would be better in a few months, only just start to feel an improvement a year down the line. Post Natal Depression also tends to affect your confidence in making any decisions regarding parenting which can be really tough.

How to Manage Your Post Natal Depression

This may look different for everyone. You may decide to manage your post natal depression with antidepressants. It may take a few tries to find the best one suited to you. This typically tends to feel like a fog has been lifted. Everything will seem clearer and you will start dealing with thoughts and feelings in a more productive way to aid my recovery.

You may want to have talking therapy over the phone or face to face Cognitive Behaviour Therapy sessions. These can be so helpful and can help you make so much progress.

Some people swear by getting fresh air everyday, exercising daily, eating healthily, making time for themselves to do hobbies and relax. Others have found acupuncture or even gardening useful. In the end, you have to find what works for you.

Post Natal Depression: Summing Up

Depression for me was one of the hardest things I’ve experienced in this life. I will never forget the buckets of tears I cried, the painful truth that sometimes, you just can’t fight it. Not everyone will look at you with understanding but sadly mostly with the judgement that you don’t deserve. After all, no one wishes to experience this kind of ordeal. 

If you are a Mamma whose feeling sad but not sure what you are really going through, here’s an article full of information about how to know if you are going through PPD: https://www.mothersheknows.com/how-to-know-if-you-have-postpartum-depression/

I just want you to know that going through postnatal depression is not something you should be ashamed of. Instead, do all your best to overcome the struggles of it. Just think that not everyone will have the courage to go through it and surpass it. But once you do, trust me, you will become the best version of the Mamma that you are. And you will never look at motherhood the same way ever again.

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