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Do you remember when you started becoming aware of how your body looked as a child? Or perhaps how it looked different to those around you? Recently we have been having a lot of questions and conversations about bodies fuelled by our seven-year-old daughter. Perhaps it’s because being stuck at home during the pandemic has given us less to think and focus about! But it made me realise just how important it is that we teach our girls body confidence from a young age.

I have to admit – it’s kind of taken me all by surprise but kids do everything so much younger these days! Having said that, it’s been a welcome opportunity to kick start the body confidence conversation which is such an important topic in our modern times.

With that said, I really wanted to write this article as a call to arms to parents everywhere, to let them know how important teaching girls about body confidence is – even from a young age. Hopefully, it will help you navigate the waters of teaching body confidence to girls in an informed way – as opposed to what was probably my bumbling manner when caught off guard!

To help me I have insights from Astrid Longhurst, Body confidence expert and coach and Michael Padraig Acton, psychological therapist and counsellor to share.

When do our body stories start?

According to Longhurst, our body stories start the day we are born and continue until the day we die. These “stories” are passed down through the generations about how we look, what is acceptable about our bodies and whether we match up to the body culture of the day.

In our early life, we are so often repeatedly told what we are “not” by others. We learn what it means to be a part of the family we are born into by what we are ‘told” about who we are. We are conditioned to accept these beliefs as truths and so the body story begins. However, when these “stories” are mostly positive, children grow up feeling secure, happy and confident in their body. However, when the story is predominantly negative, limiting or judgemental, it becomes more challenging for children to feel that their body is ok as it is.

The good news is that our body stories can be changed. As a parent, one of the most empowering things you can do to help your child grow up feeling happy in their body is to challenge your own body story and change it where it needs changing. Children absorb and model their behaviour and actions from what they are feeling, seeing, hearing and sensing.

Although parents may shy away from talking about it, Padraig Acton highlights, it is entirely appropriate for parents/caregivers to talk to their children about their physical (and sexual) development and it is never too early to do so (in an age-appropriate way).

The role of the media

One thing I am always hugely concerned about in this whole story is the role of the media and its negative impacts on body image. And quite rightly so. Padraig Acton emphasizes that we do have to be very wary due to the excessive use of filters and Photoshop to create unrealistic body shape or appearance (although the ASA have recently banned the use of filters).

He advises that if we find that our daughters – or sons – are paying excessive attention to how media personalities look, take some time aside with them to explain how much of what they see is fake.

Top tips to help your child grow up body confident

Here we share practical tips from both our experts on teaching girls body confidence.

Tell a great story about your own body

Having a great relationship with your own body is one of the most powerful things you can do to empower your child to feel happy in their own skin. Whenever you speak about your body, talk about it with gratitude and kindness. Focus on how your body makes you feel more than what your body looks like.

Teach them to “listen” and trust their body’s messages and how to tune into their body’s wisdom

For example, if your child is feeling sad, you might invite them to make a shape with their body that expresses the shape of sadness. Then you might ask them to make a shape that expresses happiness. Then ask them if those shapes feel different and if so, how. This helps a child to build an early connection with emotions and how their body feels.

Teach your child body compassion

This is a lovely exercise to do with children and really begins to teach them the art of body compassion. Whenever they fall over or get hurt in any way, invite them to talk to the part of their body that is hurt in a kind way. Ask them what their body needs to feel better. It might be a word, it might be a kiss or a loving touch.

It can be tempting to gloss over the hurt in order to try and make your child feel better by saying, “it’s nothing, it’s just a little scratch.” However, if you can invite your child to show kindness and care early on, you reinforce the message that their feelings are validated and that their body deserves to be loved and cared for.

Talk honestly but with kindness

Our children will give clues that something is on their mind about their bodies or body image. It is up to us to be alert to this and to get to the root of their concerns as soon as we can.

Listening to our children carefully makes them feel supported as well as keeping you informed. This will teach our children, whatever their gender, that they can always bring their concerns to us. We should always take children’s concerns seriously and never dismiss them as being silly or unimportant. Never be unkind or belittle your child’s concerns (e.g., saying, ‘It will be alright.’).

Use real-life examples

Take them to a cafe or a shopping centre and ask them to pick out who’s normal. Everybody has their imperfections. Show them how the person who gets served first every time is not always the best-looking one. It is more about their personal skills and inner confidence.

Plan a time to talk during an activity

If your child starts developing a particular hang up about their body or perhaps part of their body, plan a practical activity you could do together which creates the time and space to bring up these serious issues. If your child is focusing on a part of their body they are unhappy with, explore where this has come from. What is happening in their life to make them feel this way? If there is a physical issue going on (not all body issues are psychological), involve the professionals (e.g., a health worker, GP, etc.)

Be a role model

We have to remember we are a mirror to our children and we need to be so careful about the messages we are giving them about their bodies. One of my patients was morbidly obese and it transpired that her sister had been anorexic when growing up. The parents tried to help by praising her every time she ate something. Sadly, my patient picked up the message that eating was the way to make her parents happy with her.

We can also be role models by thinking beyond outer appearances. There are many life skills we can learn to improve our lives yet today’s society seems so focused on aesthetics.

Be calm

Be mindful and do not react severely to what your child is saying. Be calm, hear them and consider what is being said. If you suspect that your child is having issues, consider these and make sure you do not make them feel scared or worried they’ve upset you by telling you something. As parents, we need to be mindful of our role of wisdom and acceptance which are encompassed by calm.

Final thoughts

Although I wrote this article about teaching girls body confidence due to my experiences with my own daughter, I wanted to stress that despite widely held beliefs that body confidence issues are experienced mainly by girls, in fact, all genders are equally vulnerable to body dysmorphia and other issues so all of the advice above applies to boys as well as girls.

I hope the above article empowers you to have the supportive conversations are children so very much need around body confidence.

About Astrid Longhurst

Astrid Longhurst is a world-class Body Confidence Coach, Author and TV Body Image expert. She is the founder and director of the transformational Body Confidence Coaching programme. Astrid’s work takes her all over the world delivering workshops, seminars and presentations. She is also the author of Romancing your body: How to fall deeply, passionately and wildly in love.

About Michael Padraig Acton

Michael Padraig Acton is a psychological therapist, counsellor, systemic life coach and author with 25 years’ clinical experience. Working in the UK and US, Michael specialises in helping couples, families and individuals. He has extensive training in approaches including applied clinical and counselling psychology, CBT, psychoanalysis and psychodynamic, Jungian, Gestalt, systemic and transactional analysis, as well as holistic forms of therapeutic alliance such as mindfulness. His new book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave (A Practical Guide to Stepping Away from Toxic Narcissistic Relationships) is due for release on 21st July 2021.

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